What do you call someone who is dislexic, who is agnostic, and has insomnia?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
Hee hee Nikki
Here's a cute joke...
by ohiocowboy 46 Replies latest social humour
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Yan Bibiyan
Mid 1980's in Northern Ireland.
A man is grabbed from behind, a knife pointed at his neck.
Asks the assailant, "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?
The man thinks quickly, knowing that the wrong answer can get him killed.
" I am Jewish"
"Allah Akbar"!, says the assailant, "aren't I the luckiest Palestininan in Belfast"!
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Kojack57
Four presidents go to see the wizard of oz, jimmy carter, Ronald Reagan, George bush, and bill clinton. The wizard notices them and says with a fiery voice through the curtain " what do you men want to request from me." Jimmy carter steps up nervously and says he would like a Brain to have the knowledge to lead the country. Poof it's done.
Ronald Reagan steps forward and requests a heart so he can move people to action by reasoning with their emotions. Poof it's done.
George bush comes up and asks for courage to lead the people through hard times. Poof it is done.
Finally, Bill Clinton is standing there looking around in every direction and the wizard says " Bill what the hell are you looking for" Bill says " where's dorothy?
Kojack
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Bangalore
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.Bangalore
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ohiocowboy
Thanks for the funny jokes and puns! Here's another one that I thought you may enjoy:
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the call is free.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." -
coffee_black
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nea rly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'Coffee
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Babyruth
A cat and a mouse died and went to heaven on the same day. St Peter asked the mouse the next day how he was enjoying heaven so far. The mouse declared that heaven was so grand and big he wondered if he could have a pair of rollerskates so he could see more. He asked the cat how he was enjoying heaven; he said in amazment 'just when I thought it couldn't get any better I discovered meals on wheels'