by cognac 135 Replies latest jw friends
Many here are right, dear Cogn (peace to you!): you may only be delaying the inevitable. Regardless, you need to find the strength to do whatever it is you do on YOUR terms. 'Cause he'll only give you what you are willing to take.
Again, peace to you!
Your servant and a slave of Christ,
SA
Some JWs just refuse to pay any attention to reality and you can't force them to make a good decision-
Cognac
So sorry to hear of this -- if you have been supporting him - I may be wrong.. and if he files for divorce, do you have to pay alimony to keep him in the style he is accustomed to?? Get a lawyer, if he moves out, is that abandonment and will that stop him from filing for alimony.
Do you have to sign divorce papers or can he get a unscriptural divorce without your signature? COntact a lawyer and see what your rights are... as far as him seeing his daughters, tell him to move around the block and he can have them visit him as you look for work... and send a letter to the hall to the elders and advise them not to give him any counsel or there will be a lawsuit, I am just nasty.. also get legal cousel re the children and his rights to have them to take them to the hall, etc. holidays, vacations out of state, support - he should pay half their expenses... get a lawyer.. I think I have said enough on that score.. plus if you have a mortgage, bills, etc. he should be in for at least half of those as well.. make a list and present it to him, it might jolt him back to reality when he has to support two households...
I would not give him the satisfaction of confronting the other woman - makes him feel he is being fought over.... it will get more difficult as you are now laid off and will have to be home around him and dont allow your fears and frustrations to overflow around the kids.. Send them to their room to play or sleep and turn the tv on when there is to be an argument, if you can hold yourself back long enough.
I have not read all the comments but all I can say is that it will get better and the weight will lift off your shoulders when he is gone, you have your life, do you have parents, siblings, friends, that can help you with the children? Talk to someone and then decide what the best solution is.
As far as him having someone at the Big A - thats a joke, is he crazy? Does he think he is going to go thru with his new chickie? Jesus condemned even looking at a woman with lust in his heart, so what scripture is your husband looking at that he can squirm out of this one? If he is using the Bible as a reference, he doesn't know it very well and it is only an excuse for what he wants to do..
TL
Is he worth fighting for?
Any man who treats you like that is not worth the emotional and financial investment. The best you can do it to be an example of emotional stability for your children. Emotionally healthy women demand that they are treated with respect, and he is treating you like crap.
I understand that you want your children to have access to their father, but children emulate what they see in their lives. Watching him treat you badly will set the stage for them to copy these behaviors (your's and his') in their lives, which will probably do them more harm than a divorce with a good parenting plan and frequent visits.
As far as him having someone at the Big A - thats a joke, is he crazy? Does he think he is going to go thru with his new chickie?
He is using this Big A as an religious excuse and justification for his bad behavior and trying to heap guilt upon her.
If you accept disrespect from your husband, your children will likely grow up disrespecting you. You have yourself to blame, if you let that happen. Don't accept disrespect. Expect, demand respect.
S
People say I push him to much. Maybe they are right. Maybe I should just let him hate himself instead of me...
S- apparently, I didn't. Never thought he'd cheat...
My first husband cheated. It took me six months to get through the pain and the nightmares. Once I did, I began to try to look at things from his point of view. I realized that when he came home to me, he felt like an abusive, selfish person. When he went to her, he felt like a hero. She didn't get the treatment I was getting from him. Also, she had something huge in common with him: she used hard drugs. I did not.
The funny thing is, he told me later that he had planned to move out and then go live with her. She had a young child, too. He did leave, but ended up getting his own little place. You see, at the time I was about 6 weeks pregnant with our daughter. When it came down to it, he discovered that he didn't want to move in with her. I was the one he truly loved and I was carrying our child. Her child was not his child. I ended up leaving him though because of his serious drug problems. The JW's, who studied with me here and there & the lifestyle also played a role in his decision to step out and see this other woman.
My point is that your husband may be doing the same thing, trying to find fellow feeling and attention from someone who thinks that he is "great". He may love you still very much, not realize it and not understand how it will feel to lose you and the children.
As for being hard on him, it's one thing to encourage him to try to be the best he can be. It's another if you unwittingly say things to him that are not encouraging, but more stinging. Stinging comments, between you, accumulate until they are big enough to bowl you both over.
I hope that this works out better for you than my situation did. I left him on his knees, crying out to me not leave. That was the last time I ever saw him, though we spoke on the phone once and wrote each other letters. He ended up marrying a second time, a good lady with two daughters. Then they had two more daughters and a son. She nursed him while his health declined, up until he passed away at 34. I wasn't notified of his death until 3 years after it happened. My daughter never met him and she is grief stricken over that until this day. She wonders why he didn't seek her out to meet her and to tell her good-bye. She doesn't say it, but she does blame me for that, too.
I think you are wise to take your time and not make knee jerk decisions. Especially is this so if there is genuine love between you. You have young children, too. There may be a way to find out why he is really talking to the other woman. And it may be more about being accepted and looked up to, like you have mentioned. We all want that don't we? To be accepted, validated and important to those we love.
HI cognac, just sending you some love from another mum of little ones, there is plenty of advice here so I wont give any. Just lots and lots of love and a big warm HUG from Australia.
Any man who treats you like that is not worth the emotional and financial investment.
There are relationships that are so unique and cover such a broad and deep spectrum of connections and things in common, plus common history, that are indeed worth fighting for. Cheating isn't the only vow people break in marriages. JW's treat cheating as if it has to be unforgivable. It does not have to be. Time can give you a very different perspective on it. That is one reason a lot of states make you wait 6 months to a year to finalize a divorce.
Actually, if you demand and expect respect from him, it might change your relationship in a dynamic way.
S
In commanding respect, your actions will speak louder than words. You also should be respectful in how you treat him, too.
