Something else, don't let people tell you to get rid of your husband. It's easy for them to say, right? But this is your husband and he is the father of your kids. You have told us that you haven't been an innocent person in the problems between you. Marriages aren't something you have to throw out with the trash at the first sign of problems, especially if there are young children involved. Your husband has not moved out and moved on to another woman. Give it time to determine if there is hope. By all means, treat him with the same respect and dignity with which anyone, including you wants to be treated. It doesn't mean you respect all of his decisions, but it does mean that you allow him dignity and to hold his head up. He's much more likely to work this out with you if you don't put him in shame all of the time.
My husband deleted me as a friend on FaceBook
by cognac 60 Replies latest jw friends
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AGuest
I gotta "second" what dear FHN has stated, dear Cogn (peace to you!). Although many men (and women) may ACT like children (well, in our eyes), if you TREAT them like children they will do so even more, if not already. There is this perception by many of what constitutes a "wife" and a "husband". For some reason, once one becomes one or the other, the roles sometimes immediately change to mother/son - father/daugher dynamics. Little boys leaving their mothers... only to make their wives her replacement (and wives who need to "mommy" someone including their husbands among their "children". Little girls leaving their fathers... only to make their husbands his replacement (and husbands who need to "be the man over" someone including their wives among their "children." And GOODNESS... the TRAINING as to "how" to be a "husband" or "wife"... received from the WTBTS... TOTALLY foments this kind of a dynamic!
THIS... is NOT... a proper marriage arrangement, however! Not in the eyes of God, anyway. Adham wasn't CREATED to dominate over Eve, nor was she CREATED to be in subjection to him. That was NOT the arrangement from the start - it was the CONSEQUENCE of their sin (and no, not the punishment for it; but the result/consequence of it).
"Christians," though, are supposed to imitate CHRIST in their marriage... and be as the "last" Adham/Eve... and not as the FIRST Adham/Eve. Which is what is meant by the husband "loving the wife AS he loves his own body" - because she IS of his own body - Eve came OUT of Adham. Just as New Jerusalem is of the Body... of Christ. And the wife having great respect for her husband... as she would FOR CHRIST... because he was FIRST (without Adham, Eve wouldn't have existed on her own - and without Christ, the Body that are adopted as sons of God... would not exist). Even so, Eve came from Adham's RIB... his SIDE... and not his FEET! In the same way, Christ does not trample his Body under his feet - no, he places them in a position of CO-rulership!
Unfortunately, few people marry their friends... someone they REALLY want to spend their lives with... because they truly LIKE such a person. Rather, they marry for a lot of other reasons: first, societal/cultural reasons, including religious and familial. These are the main reasons. Second, being inflamed... and not wanting to "sin." In this case, marriage is used to forego sinning. But... it actually rarely does - because one or both parties eventually end up committing adultery. Either literally... or in their hearts. Another reason is the fear of being alone. We are social beings and for most being alone is not only not desirable, but frightening. Many, though, are fortunate to marry for the right reason: they have found someone they not only love... but LIKE... with whom they have many things in common, but also separate interests that don't interfere with the relationship. Most of my friends have this kind of marriage (praise JAH - because as a JW, most of my "friends" had horrible, psuedo-marriages)... and I am SO happy for them and have great regard and admiration for them.
When one marries young, though, even if it's a friend, there is often the situation where one (or both) starts out with some "ideal"... of how they want to be, want their spouse to be, the relationship, the children, etc.,... and then try to "change" their mate to fit that ideal once they're married. Think, though: do you want someone to marry you... under the pretenses that they accept you "as you are"... and then try to change YOU? Probably not. And so that's why COMMUNICATION is SO important... before as much as during... the marriage. So that you can KNOW who it is you're marrying... and married TO.
Just some thoughts that might "help." Maybe not. When you lived more than half a century, you should have learned SOMETHING about these things. Especially if you've been married... and know a lot of others who've been/are married. You just pay a little attention and... illumination! Well, should be...
Again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,
SA, who doesn't really "do" Facebook - WAY too much to "see" on there (I'm like a deer in the headlights!)... and I try to not walk too much by sight... LOLOLOL!
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144001
<<<< Something else, don't let people tell you to get rid of your husband. It's easy for them to say, right? But this is your husband and he is the father of your kids.>>>.
Something else, don't confuse advice to consult with a lawyer with advice to get divorced. Consulting a lawyer in a situation like this is wise, and having that consultation does not mean you have to actually get a divorce. It does mean that you will be informed as to the realities of your legal situation, instead of ignorant of them.
If your husband will agree to attend marital counseling sessions, this could also be helpful. The interests of your entire family, especially the children, would best be served by resolving the issues in your relationship, if possible, while keeping the family together. A marital counselor might be the repair kit that your relationship needs. If he is hesitant about going to counseling, and he likely will be, you might be able to defuse some of that by agreeing to allow him to select the counselor, subject to your criteria regarding professional background, etc.
Good luck!
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caliber
Every relationship requires that you have boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. it’s about understanding what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships If you consistently act out of a healthy level of self love for yourself, you will naturally have boundaries – we teach people how to treat us
Even "open marriages " have some boundariesIt is not" bossy" for marriage mates to be reminded of mutually understood boundaries.
The disrepect comes in hurting your mate... what" mature adult" doesn't have a pretty good idea what these things might be anyway
but merely don't want to be remind of they're guilt
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NeverKnew
I hate that you're having to deal with this. From experience I can tell you that this crap robs you of the experience of special moments your children are offering.
I know how addictive this site can be. I will admit to my own addiction.
Is there any chance he thinks YOU have a boyfriend online?
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FlyingHighNow
The problem is that when boundaries are crossed, how you handle it is paramount. A boundary of "there will be no physical violence" is one that can't be trifled with. But your mate finds solace in the attention of someone else on facebook? That's a symptom of something coming unraveled in the relationship. Demanding that your mate not beat on you is reasonable. Demanding that your mate get off facebook is like shooting your relationship in the foot.
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Band on the Run
Indeed, several male friends told me they were convinced they wanted a divorce unitl they met with a lawyer. When they heard the consequences of a divorce, they changed their minds. You need to know your options. Women don't tend to deal with lawyers as much as men. They stay in bad marriages.
A lawyer should never tell you what to do. Their job is to make you aware of the risks involved with various courses of conduct. I have yet to see any regular user of legal services, such as CEOS, just cave in to what a lawyer counsels. The client always has the last word.
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skeeter1
"It's cheaper to keep her." Divorce Lawyer quote. LOL.
Your relationship isn't in the best situation. I would not rely on the fact that there are no more Facebook messages. He was caught on that medium and is likely using another.
If another woman is saying, "I love you" to your husband, then she either is a fruitcake or he's done something to cause her to say it. If it is a real relationship, then it will have to also die a natural death. People in extramarital relationships with "love you" words really don't want to end it, and if they did end it ....would prefer to do it after a 10 day long cruise together.
The best (ok, sharpest) advice I heard is for the wife to write BOTH her husband and the girlfriend for a 3-way dinner date at a local restaurant so all three of you can come to an understanding. The husband has usually made the wife look bad to the girlfriend. This is the wife's chance to set her reputation straight, set the rules for the post affair game, and to get a feel for if the relationship is truly over. I don't think the 3 way happens alot, but it scares the pants off the husband and girlfriend.
Perhaps a more gentler way to do it is to tell your husband to "go to the other woman, you love him so much tht you'd hate for hiim to lose the 'love of his life'"; but with the understanding that you will not wait around for him to decide. If someone else comes your way, you may not be around for him when he gets back.
I realize you are in limbo with this relationship. You are having alot of trouble deciding what to do. You seem to analyze the situation, and will make a move when you are ready. Just don't let it go on too long, becuase wallowing in a toxic relationship is not healthy for you. You will feel better when you can move on with your life.
Skeeter
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FlyingHighNow
They stay in bad marriages.
And what is a bad marriage? Sometimes the marriage is just off course because you have two people who have no clue how to make good one. So they make mistakes and things compound. The thing is, if you two love each other and both want to make a good marriage, it is still possible.
I haven't read everything you have said, but I have seen you tell us that you understand that you have really fussed at him, like he's a kid. That isn't going to encourage more mature behavior. All of us want to feel good about ourselves and be held in good esteem. When someone constantly lets you know you're a dissapointment, it doesn't help esteem or morale. This other fb lady who "loves" him, she is making him feel esteemed and good about himself. Accepted. That is what he wants from you, his wife. He hasn't been getting that, so he's found it somewhere else. Neither of you is helping the other feel wanted and esteemed. You're both making mistakes in how to make a good, healthy marriage.
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caliber
Some comments appear to describe a nag
Nag,
To annoy by constant scolding, complaining, or urging
To scold, complain, or find fault constantly
To torment persistently, as with anxiety or pain
To be a constant source of anxiety or annoyanceon a postive note we should all seek to be gracious in marriage
Grace, n. a sense of propriety and consideration for others; a disposition to kindness and compassion; a disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill; mercy; clemency; a favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence; kind or polite
There is more happiness in giving than receiving
Some labelled as naggers may protest and say ...if I am not I may be labeled ' an enabler...'
enabler 1. Tacit Enabler - Supports another's bad habits by staying silent.
2. Overt Enabler - Supports another's bad habits by providing assistance such as money, transportation, approval, etc...