by brainmelt 40 Replies latest jw experiences
Welcome. I haven't gotten my wife out, but I got out without DA'ing or getting DF'ed by fading away.
It's more of a challenge with kids. Best to work on helping your spouse so the two of you can figure things out.
I wish you well on that. Much good advice has been put out here.
Fading with children is difficult and very hard. Staying in a religion that restricts their childhood and isolates them from their peers is extremely damaging. We wanted thenm to have the chance to make real friends not conditional ones.
When we faded our children were 7 and 9. Our son has aspergers so it is also impossible for him to keep a secret. We had to make choices about whether to live as JWs but no longer go to meetings and on service or whether to allow them to have a normal childhood with the risks that would entail. We went for the later. I had seen how the belief system was harming their ability to relate to others and causing them to be isolated. This meant that the fade could only be maintained for a limited time. Part of this was because as parents we realised it was unfair to make the children responsible for keeping a secret from family. This is a big thing because later on if they blurt out something to their grandparents that leads to a JC and Df'ing then there is a possibility that they may feel they are to blame for the bad things happening.
We were honest with the children from the beginning but made it clear that whatever happened it was our decision not theirs and as their parents we were responsible.
I wish you luck we have not managed to maintain all family relationships but 3 years on I feel we did the right thing for our children.
Hi, and welcome.
Yes, children can complicate things. My husband and I had no children when we left. I remember though that this has been attributed to the Jesuits:
give me a child until he is seven and i will give you the man
So the sooner the better leaving. As a child of a jw, what I see was so difficult was being cut off from outside information and what did get through being demonized. Having your only social network being jws.
It is good to start looking for outside sources for friends, support, social lives.
This is a great place to find people with similar circumstances that are further along in leaving. Mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, adult children....
As some have said, no need to rush but to make a plan and take it in stages, being flexible.
Here are some tips that might help.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/34518/1/On-The-Art-Of-Fading
Blondie
thank you all for such a warm welcome. ive such a lot to think about and its not going to be easy but hopefully we'll figure things out
Hi brainmelt, Take your time. The world will not end as the WTBTS predicts. You have a lot of reading and independent research to do. Make your plans, go slowly when trying to awaken your spouse, and post on JWN if you have questions about your plans and if you need to vent.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
This forum is over 10 years old, so many many posts and many interesting threads, take a stroll the older ones when you have a chance to breathe. If a poster says something that hits a chord, click on their name and see what else they said.
Hi Brainmelt! I am in a situation similar to yours only I have no children. I almost 30 years old, born in, married to another born it who is convinved that it is the truth. As to what will become of our marriage remains to be seen, I haven't left yet so I am facing some difficult decisios as well. I'm here for you if you want to message me!
Have sent you another pm brainmelt x love sky x
Go slow,,actually the children can acclimate and integrate into the real life more easily. Going slowly, one day at a time for sure. If you are not going at all and their father is not that active, then the kids find an open window in their lives. Little by little. Encourage them in sports, if they are inclined. Mine were very active, sportsy so all that came natural and a healthy diversion for us.
Always encouraged school and extracurriculars. So none of them were ever baptized. Again, their dad wasn't hardly active so was relatively easy for us. I always reminded them to be respectful of their dad and how he believed and he didn't push against things much, except holidays, of course. All five kids graduated college too and are grateful for their freedom of mind and heart.
So many best wishes in the best part of your life ahead and for your children to be able to look back on their youth with joy, no fear of destruction, and their mom having unconditional love for them.
