Out and Gay but fed up of 'fading' - advice please.

by frogonmytoe 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  frogonmytoe

  Someone once quoted Gandhi to me, but I don't actually think it was Gandhi, saying that man can only be happy when what he says, what he believes and what he does are all in harmony.

  How many of us led lives that meant all three of those were at loggerheads whilst JWs?

  I came out as gay when still a witness, to my family first and then my friends. They were all accepting of me, to varying degrees, but accepting.

  I even asked the Elders for help. That was interesting, but certainly not a full-out rejection. Then I started having sex. Then after about 8 years I confessed (!?) to it, and wasn't disfellowshipped. Although I do remember going on the service with an elder the day after my Judicial Committee and being met on the doors by no less than three semi-naked men, ALL of them attractive. Made me laugh anyway...

  At age 35 I met my boyfriend and fell in love and moved countries to be with him. We have set up a home and have a life here, but none of my JW family know about this happiness and joy I have in my life. I ring my sisters regularly and visit twice a year, but say nothing of what my life entails here, I can't share what is most important for me. My family have known for the last year that I haven't been going to meetings (in reality, for about 4 and a half years) which I was hoping to pave the way to 'fade' for long enough so that they felt no need to get me thrown out when I did tell them about my boyfriend. This plan could possibly be completely flawed from the outset, and not worth my time and trouble.

  But now I am thinking I'd rather be unable to talk to my family, but that they know I'm happy; than not be completely honest with them and keep in contact. I love them all and feel I am neither respecting them nor my partner by denying his existence, but lack of contact still scares me. I am still trying to work out what is best to do. Of course, there are no guarantees, either I will be completely shunned if disfellowshipped, or spared disfellowshipping if I try to 'fade'.

  Do anyone, gay or straight, have advice, personal experience or a wet slap with a cold fish to knock some sense into me?

  frogonmytoe
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  Hortensia

  It's complicated, but I think it's important to be authentic to your true self.
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  sspo

  If you have found happiness with your partner and you have moved "countries" to be with him, i would not worry about your family.

  There is no best way to handle your situation, once you let them know that you are living with someone, it's going to be up to them how they want to treat you. They already know you are gay and continue to talk to you so it could be since you are far away

  they will treat you the same.

  It's good to let them know your situation and not hide what's going on in your life. Just be happy.

  You have already "faded" from your previous congregation, most likely the elders were happy that you moved so i would not worry about being DF.

  They will not come after you after so many years.
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  irondork

  Are you sure you're gay? I've never known a gay man to request fish in the face.

  DON'T DO IT !!! I hear it's spoooooky!

  Seriously, as I read through your post a thought kept running through my mind:

  This above all: to thine own self be true,

  And it must follow, as the night the day,

  Thou canst not then be false to any man.
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  joe134cd

  How in gods name did you manage to openly tell them you are gay & not get you ass kicked for it. I guess you got a private reproof for it.
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  OnTheWayOut

  This is your call. I feel it is important to be yourself. I faded but am already married (to an active JW). My fade consists of absolutely no JW stuff and no talking about it to the wife or JW mother. I am pretty free to do as I please including celebrating birthdays and holidays.

  But that hardly compares to what they think of a gay relationship. My JW mother wouldn't tolerate that. But it is way more important to you than birthdays.

  I suggest a soft telling to them, so they are free to keep pretending not to know. For instance: "I am very happy doing Yadda Yadda. I have a great roommate named Steve and I can't imaginelife without him. Here is a photo."

  That way, you said it, they know what you said, but they can pretend you did not say life-partner or lover or husband.
  If that isn't good enough,you might retain some relations. You know them better than any of us.
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  return of parakeet

  "But now I am thinking I'd rather be unable to talk to my family, but that they know I'm happy; than not be completely honest with them and keep in contact."

  If that's the way you feel, then it's easy-peasy. DA yourself and send occasional letters to your family to assure them of your continued health and happiness. If they love you more than they love the WT, maybe they'll even answer back.
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  free @ last

  Welcome frogtoe! Happy to here you're contentedly coupled.

  Your story just reminded my how unevenly 'justice' is meted out in dub land. Most gays would not get away without serious consequences after a confession. But then others get by without even a slap on the wrist. Wish everyone got lucky like that.
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  SAHS

  “frogonmytoe”:

  “. . . either I will be completely shunned if disfellowshipped, or spared disfellowshipping if I try to ‘fade.’ ”

  One thing which could probably have a bearing on whether or not you would be disfellowshipped is whether or not you were actually baptized.

  A long-standing friend of mine has quickly faded from the Jehovah’s Witnesses around 25 years ago and has been on and off practicing “fornication” (just with women, in his case, as he is vehemently anti-gay) during that time, but he was never actually baptized, so nobody really cares, including the elders, especially as he has been out for so long. He has not actually been disfellowshipped or disassociated.

  His older brother, though, has in fact been baptized, and has also slipped out of the organization for about as long. Although his older brother doesn’t seem to have committed major disfellowshipping offences such as adultery, he is extremely worldly (a very judgmental, loud-mouthed bigot and complete asshole) and non-religious/spiritual. However, apparently there has not been any announcement as to his being disfellowshipped or disassociated either.

  I do realize that the examples of these two men are not the same as your situation in that they are not gay; however, it does show that a person’s fate in terms of judicial action by the elders can be influenced by the length of time and degree of a person’s successful fade, the general notoriety of the particular case, and whether or not the person has ever been baptized. Moreover, it could depend on how far away the person might have physically relocated, and also just how close they were to family members and friends to begin with. These are all factors that would weigh on the statistical probability of any judicial committee decision, as well as the likelihood or degree of being shunned should things go south in that respect.

  Don’t forget, a family that shuns one of their own members would only be doing so because of having been told/ordered to by the organization’s policymakers due to whatever fears have been implanted and reinforced in them – which certainly does not necessarily reflect the intrinsic beliefs or wishes of the family itself otherwise. That’s why I believe that another factor in an individual case in terms of the reaction by and treatment of their family is the extent with which the members in that family would allow themselves to think for themselves, independent of any kind of religious organization. That, of course, would depend on the strength and solidarity of the family itself as an independent unit, and one’s attachment thereto.

  I myself am not “gay” in the classic sense; however, I do have definite “aberrant” tendencies – not regarding children or anything harmful like that, but I do have some rather unusual emotional attachment and fetishistic interest toward animals (male and female, but mostly male – you can refer to my very first post on this Board). I am therefore still forced to be living a kind of lie, not just with that but also my personal (“apostate”) spiritual beliefs and aspirations – partly due to my unique economic situation, and quite a bit due to the long-standing emotional attachment within my family. They are staunch and long-standing members of the Jehovah’s Witness religion and community, and I want to be careful not to unnecessarily ‘rock that boat.’ I’m thinking of their emotions too, and want to try to spare them the grief of having to believe that I am “spiritually dead.”

  Oh boy. [little sigh] Didn’t mean to rant like that. Sorry. What a “tangled web” we can end up weaving in this darn “life” thing. All well. What can you do. One day at a time I guess. . . . . Anyway; I wish you the very best of luck.
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  Seraphim23

  As a gay guy who is an x witness, although still officially baptised I would say that if you are sure that your BF is with you for the long term and you with him, and you trust him, them your emotional stability and foundation doesn’t have to be with your parents and family. Consider telling them and see what happens because it will be OK even if it takes a while.