Out and Gay but fed up of 'fading' - advice please.

by frogonmytoe 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  laverite

  Onthewayout does it again - I agree 100% with his advice. A "soft telling" is brilliant. Say it so that it is clear what you are saying without actually saying it. And they can pretend whatever they need to pretend to maintain a relationship with you. Will you be able to bring your love to the Kingdom Hall as your husband for a relative's wedding? Will he be in family pictures? Probably not.

  It's not fair. It sucks. It shouldn't have to be this way. You deserve better, but this is the hand you've been dealt given the JW family you come from. I'm sorry for that. The most important thing is be happy and enjoy your man to the fullest. You deserve comfort, support, love, mind blowing sex, and a happy long life with your guy. Life is far too short to waste with the silly rules and prejudices of the JWs.

  There's nothing more important to me than family, and as a father my perspective on my own JW family has changed dramatically. I just can't imagine rejecting my children for silly JW rules. I find I react first as a parent when hearing stories of family rejection (I'm a parent first and foremost before anything else in life). JW shunning really pisses me off in this stage of my life now more than ever.

  Hopefully your family will manage some natural affection over the GB rules.
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  exwhyzee

  I imagine by not telling your family about your current arrangement, even though things have gone well for you, you might have a sort of incomplete feeling about your life. It would be sort of like going on a great vacation and then not being able to tell anyone about it or show them the photos. Not only that, you'd always have the feeling that any day someone from your family might arrive up at the doorstep or that somehow the whole matter had been discovered and you'd then be forced to deal with the topic on their time table.

  I like the idea of breaking it to them gently over a period of time. Little indications that you've met someone without rubbing their noses in it. They must realize on some level that you have not been living like a Monk. Either way, all of us who have left the organization have had to make a similar choice. Do we just play along with the game and smolder inside or do we get it over with and suffer the consequences what ever they may be. This is the hard reality for those of us who one way or another, wound up being part of a religious cult.
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  frogonmytoe

  Thank you all, I think the general trend is towards what I know to be the best decision for me emotionally and mentally, easy peasy as Parakeet says.

  Irondork - the problem is I'm SO gay I have no idea to what fishy thing you might be referring ...I'll tell you a spooky story if you like, but it's not for public consumption.

  Exwhyzee - that's the nail on the head. I really feel like I am trying to create this perfect life where my JW family and boyfriend can intermingle and be happy, it's never going to happen.

  Joe and Free@last - you're right, a private reproof, and I know for a fact if I had even admitted to the feelings to my previous congregation they would have publically flayed me whilst feeding me my genitals.

  Seraphim, I trust my man like no one else before (and it's difficult for me to trust people, even more so with other gay men!) and I really see this being long-term. And in a way, even if I didn't, this is my life, so those that don't approve of it shouldn't be allowed in it to judge it. Easier said than done I guess.

  Onthewayout - great idea, I'll give it some thought. I actually think one of my sisters (we have a weird know-what-the-other-is-thinking thing) has worked it out, as she asked me if I was happy "because if you are out the truth you need to be happy"

  And SAHS, I will check out your post, I'd be interested in your experience.

  thanks again. I'll make my next post a bit more giving than taking...
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  steve2

  Why risk shaking the hornet's nest just to see if you will or won't get stung? You live in another country and your life as a born-in JW belonged to another time. Enjoy your life with your partner. If a JW family member announces they will be visiting you, rent the DVD The Wedding Banquet for some hints on how to pass your partner off as a friend abd find a girlfriend who'll play act being your fiancee. It's easier pretending to be straight to your JW family when you live in another country.

  On the other hand, you could announce to your family that you are gay and live with your male partner. That has the virtue of being honest and, since you are now in another country and your JW life belonged to another time, if your family reject you, just tell them to turn the light off when they leave your life.
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  im stuck in

  Frogonmytoe : I read here all of the time but never post but your situation compels me to speak to you. First let me say that I am happy for you that you have found someone to love. Being gay and associated with the Watchtower is a very difficult life. I feel for you so much. You see I too am gay although I am still in and married to a woman for many years. I do this only to hold my family together they are so die hard I would be left for dead. I know that some will say i am a fake, perhaps i even agree with you. But i never came to grips with my sexuality until only a few years ago. We're i your age I would definitely do as you have done and live my life the way I was meant to with a man I love if I could have found one. So my friend embrace your life and I favor the soft telling of the family and let them draw their own conclusion. As time goes on they will realize that you are happy and living the life you were meant to live. If they don't it is their loss so sad for them.

  As we all know the Watchtower is regardless of what they say a religion of hate they teach it and they live it although they don't know it. And they are not the only religion most are the same way. We were taught hate all of our lives in a false cover of lies that we were the most loving people on earth. I know without a doubt that God is a God of love and would never have made us this way if he didn't love us. I was an elder for many years and have seen first hand the pain that this religion causes while those at the top (G B) do what they want marry young girls as old men, live a gay life (Greenlees) and molest dear little children.

  I am happy for you that you have found a man to love, live your life to the fullest with him. God loves you. Life is so short make the best of it. I only wish I were in your shoes but I am an old man now.

  Be happy my friend.
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  frogonmytoe

  Well I am a path-of-least-resistance type of guy, Steve2. But my family know I'm gay, so I think the girlfriend idea might not work!

  Stuck in, thank you for commenting, what you said has really touched me. I don't judge you as fake, I know how strong you must have to be, and your situation is a thousand times more complicated than mine.
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  Fernando

  Mindful that it is a complex situation, without the possibility of a win-win situation, I tend to go with Steve2: "Why risk shaking the hornet's nest just to see if you will or won't get stung?"

  Followers of the Watchtower are spiritual prisoners kept in the dark - unable to see - blind.

  It probably is unwise, unkind or even cruel to ask such persons to "see" or "get it". Like beating a blind man with a stick to help him see.

  They have really only two choices: hate LGBTI persons, or quit the Watchtower. Intense fear and shame keeps them from the latter choice.

  Then again, you are probably the best judge when it comes to picking the relevant, useful and best bits from a "multitude of counsellors".

  I believe strongly that our heavenly father is gay friendly - so a prayer might also help in clarifying a potentially safe way forward.

  Greetings, blessings, peace and love to you and your partner

  Fernando

  South East Queensland, Australia

  ---

  (Why does the "true religion" secretly blind its followers to the "Good News" according to Paul, Moses, Isaiah and Psalms?)
• 

  GromitSK

  The other thing you might consider is writing down a list of the pros and possible cons to both keeping things quiet and coming out fully. It is a technique that I find useful. Getting all the considerations down the working out how I'd deal with them and how much of a deal they would be helps me. If your partner is the kind of person you could sound-out about your concerns, this too can be a big help, if not perhaps a good friend could?
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  Giordano

  "But now I am thinking I'd rather be unable to talk to my family, but that they know I'm happy; than not be completely honest with them and keep in contact. I love them all and feel I am neither respecting them nor my partner by denying his existence, but lack of contact still scares me. I am still trying to work out what is best to do. Of course, there are no guarantees, either I will be completely shunned if disfellowshipped, or spared disfellowshipping if I try to 'fade'."

  So lets say that you tell them and they shun you.......would that situation add stress to your relationship? Does your partner care that your parents don't know about him?

  Or you break up with your partner? Breakups happen. Picture that for a moment and make sure you could carry on if on top of that your family wants nothing to do with you. How much do the phone calls and twice a year visits mean to you? Or the fact that it's your family.

  But perhaps your family already knows your probably involved with someone but can't or will not acknowledge that out loud if they have stronge feelings about that type of situation or are afraid that they would be compelled to shun you.