Moving out, away and starting a new post JW life

OneDayillBeFree

Recently at my last meeting, an older brother "in good standing" got disfellowshipped.

Sitting only two seats away from him, I saw as he burst into tears as lifelong friends and family began their shunning and immediate gossip in the form of whispers came up from above the brothers and sisters in the kingdom hall. I felt like giving him a hug and telling him that it was going to be okay and that whatever the reason for his disfellowshipment was, it didnt matter and that god still loved him but before I could muscle up enough courage to do so, he stood up in tears and left.

I shed a few silent tears for him. I didn't see anyone else do the same.

It was at that moment that I realized without a doubt that living this way is just not worth it at all.

So I've thought about it long and hard and now I just want to move far away and just start new again. I've realized that there are some, if not many downsides to this when it comes to keeping family ties but at this point it no longer matters. I've given way too much of my life to this organization for little or nothing in return. It's a sad reality but it was the one I was born into, not the one I chose.

Prior to making this decision I was getting ready to get my first apartment in a nearby area, not far from my congregation and family. But I simply can't stay here anymore.

I'd like to know of any experiences from those of you who left and did the same or from those whe left, either by choice or got kicked out from their parents home at an early age. I need all the advice I can get. Thanks!

OneDayillBeFree

ruderedhead

Please make sure that you are financially ready, befree. Moving out means more than paying rent. You need household items such as dishes, pots, silverware, towels, etc. You need daily toiletries such as soap, shampoo, t.p., toothpaste. A bed with sheets. Laundry soap.Do you currently have a vehicle that is yours? Do you live someplace you need one? Plan this rationally, not emotionally. You will be fine as long as you are smart about it. You don't want anyone saying you are having a hard time because you left the witnesses. All the best to you!

whathappened

One day, my heart goes out to you. I agree you should leave the organisation immediately for your own sanity. I can't give you much advice, but don't rush into anything you may regret later, like moving too far away from your family and friends. Can you stay within a couple hrs drive? This way you can still see them on occasion but it will be hard for them to keep tabs on you.

Best of luck to you and we are here to listen and support you.

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

I moved about 2 hours away to university in a big city.

Earlier when I was removed as an elder, it had been rather ugly, so the BoE was glad to see me go. I got only one text from the secretary asking for an address to send my card, but I didn't respond. I had some carefully worded conversations with my parents and am otherwise on good terms with them now and visit them every few weeks. There's plenty to talk about besides religion, much to the disappointment of WT Corp. One of the noteworthy tactics in my case was that I'd suffered terribly with depression and my life was going nowhere while I was there attending meetings. Since I moved away, I've become much more cheerful, talkative, interesting, and "normal". My parents can't deny that I'm much better off now.

There's been a lot of psychology that I've used in trying to keep contact with those I want to, and losing many of those that I don't want anything more to deal with. If you think I can help, send me a PM.

OneDayillBeFree

@ Ruderedhead oh yes I've thought about this financially too but that's really good advice nonetheless. I have a vehicle of my own, and pay rent at home even though its my parents house. (Even though I'm aware it doesn't compare to living on your own). My job is largely computer based so I would still be able to work from home regardless of where I'd be, at least for a while.

Also I wouldn't see it as a decision purely based on emotion. It does play a part in it but I'm trying to see this in the most realistic way possible.

@ whathappened I see what you're saying and it makes sense. Moving a few hours away would not be so bad if I planned to continue to play this game of I still believe and I'm afraid of the organization kind of way. The thing is that I've grown tired of doing that. And I don't want to lie to friends or family anymore. There comes a point where enough is enough. But still moving relatively close could work as many brothers forget about others as soon as they move congregations that meet in the SAME hall. But part of me has always wanted to just move farther away. It is something that needs further consideration.

OneDayillBeFree

@Billy the Ex-Bethelite

That's great! I'm liking this moving away-not-too-far idea more and more. And I'm practically in the exact boat you were in as far as depression goes. PM sent!

nicsfreedom

I moved 900 miles away and started over, which was the best decision ever. As you are learning these relationships are 100% conditional and not worth holding on to. The behavior in the KH's is disgusting and toxic. The sooner you are away from it the better. I wish I had left sooner. I received advice from some to try and hold on to these "conditional" family and friend relationships, big mistake. It was exhausting and so not worth it. Definitely plan as mentioned already tho.

HarryMac

Also, remember, you're not stuck for the rest of your life with this decision.

'I moved a little too far away OR I should have moved further away' ... you can reassess and do it in 6mos or a year.

In my honest opinion the people who have lives that suck make a lifetime habit of making bad decisions.

Your life will be a result of a bunch of decisions, not just this one. We can afford to make some mistakes and still do great.

Some people think until the cows have not only come home but died and don't take any action because they're already drained... others don't work hard enough to make their decisions work - it's a personal balance. Just some friendly advice.

OneDayIllBeFree: Your day is getting closer.

DesirousOfChange

I'm not aware of your age or past experience, but have you already acquired the education and job skills to support yourself in more than a hand-to-mouth or paycheck-to-paycheck fashion? It's damn hard to work at a low- or moderate paying job AND go to school so as to improve your future opportunities.

Life on your own is not cheap! Most married couples have two incomes today that contribute to the household expenses. A single guy doesn't have that unless you can find a roommate you can tolerate. (If she is cute and hot, it's not a bad option!)

Write out a budget. Plan wisely. I'm not saying it's a bad decision. Every young person has to leave the nest and fly on their own at some point in time. It's your responsibility to make sure it's a good decision that this is the right time.

Good luck,

Doc

Mum

Many years ago, I moved from the east to the west, over 2,000 miles. I had a relative in the place I was going to, so I had a support system. I had a job in two days. No JW's knew me there. One day as I was walking home from work, I realized that I was on my way home to relax, read, enjoy my time, with no pressure to do anything I did not want to do. The longer I was away, the more I enjoyed it.

Don't get me wrong: it was not all roses. There were plenty of thorns. Nevertheless, I could decide for myself how to handle obstacles and did not have to worry about "stumbling" anyone or whether anyone would approve or disapprove.

That was about 35 years ago, and I know my life has been infinitely better than it would have been if I had remained a dub drudge.

Moving out, away and starting a new post JW life

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