by ingimar 18 Replies latest jw friends
I could get my JW husband DF'd several times over but I'll never do it. I want him to be on my team.
It is very good that your husband is giving up meetings to be with you. That's his empathetic self triumphing over the cultic personality. Reinforce this part of his personality and he'll wake up.
If your husband smartens up you won't have to worry about that elder in the driveway. The very best outcome is the day your husband sends the elder packing.
Restraining order on the Elder
I finally got my born in, inactive 30+years, then resuming studies husband to read Combatting Mind Control by explaining to him tearfully, that it describes why I feel as strongly as I do and why I have been reacting as I have. At first he flat out refused to read it, saying I '"have no right to ask him to read that" . But one evening, shockingly, after I asked once gain telling him it was about helping him to understand what was happening within ME, he agreed, and agreed to discuss it with me. We did discuss it, but not much. I have to be satisfied that he did read it. He has since quit going to meetings, and studies claiming it was due to my health (extreme stress is a nasty thing). Maybe a planted seed took root? Who knows.
Whatever you do, don't out him , or even speak with the people at the hall. You must never interfere unless you wish a divorce.
Just try to make his non jw-life with you enjoyable, be there for him, listen to him if he ever does want to talk.
Thanks all, some great info. I will try and restrain myself from doing something that I would regret. I just need to calm down! I like the idea of playing the victim but not a crazy victim just a sad and concerned victim.
I really can't see my husband reading any literature that he sees as trying to lure him away. Perhaps in time. He also will not talk and if I ever try to ask a question, he instantly turns into cult husband. I have told him that it is very sad that we can't talk about this but I guess that is how it will be. I have a really hard time not bringing up things but I must try for a while.
A good thing is that my husband is very passionate about many things outside of the JWs. I told him once that he could never be a good JW as he didn't have the time and he did agree with that. That is hopeful but sometimes I think that he just stays busy to keep his mind off the JWs or perhaps it is to keep his mind off of the seeds of doubt that have been planted. Who knows.
I do need to try and make our non jw life happy for I know that when I turn into crazy wife that I push him one step closer towards them. Just not sure that I have the energy for all this restraint on my behalf.
I suggest writing a plan. That will take the stress off trying to restrain yourself every day. Just stick to the plan and don't worry about it. Do get Combatting Cult Mind Control. That book is for you, not him.
There are ways to ask questions that don't set off the cult radar. You may comment on the television series, "Breaking Amish" for instance. Not Witnesses, but with creepy parallels. I got husband to watch a full episode before he clued in. The series is most effective in flashing a scripture, which hubby would agree with, and then showing how this most literal of religions let the scripture play out in real life. Which, horrified, he did not agree with. He got really quiet. Now, when promos for the show flash up, he rants about how stupid it is and he won't watch it any more. Home run.
It sounds like your man can empathize; encourage this wherever you can. "Put yourself in my shoes", or "Imagine how this is making me feel", will pull him out of the cult mindset and really think about how this is impacting your lives.
Never, ever remind him he is breaking the "rules". I did this once and now hubby excuses himself for the anthem at baseball games, something he used to love to do. The more your hubby does natural things, the more natural he becomes.
jgnat
yes, make a plan /stategy and stick to it, it will keep you focused
jgnat. Thanks. I have read the book Combatting Cult Mind Control and it is excellent. I think that I will reread it. Idid try the "put yourself in my shoes"approach and I think that it sort of made him think for a bit. Will have to retry that to. I did have Breaking Amish on one night but he tried to switch channels. When I said I was watching that, he went to another TV. I like the idea of a plan but not sure what I would write down except "stay calm".
You would definetely create more stress for yourself if you outed hubbie. I suggest the opposite....tell him how proud you are of him and that you see many wonderful opportunities for him with his....job/education/hobbies/etc. Try to do things together that bring you enjoyment and that will benefit both your health and your marriage.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Nothing makes a JW more zealous than persecution. Do not try to make trouble for him in the congregation, it will only backfire on you.
