In an effort to get some help and hopefully help others, I'd like to start this thread about psychology, specifically starting with the subject of anger management.
Personally, I don't have much of a temper. What I do have, I've learned to control. I think I got that from my father's parents. Particularly looking back at my experiences in bethel, I learned how to keep my cool, often to my advantage. The organization has no shortage of hotheads, and I was careful about covering my ass and keeping my cool. There was more than once that I got chewed out in an email (with a long list of people in the CC) or in a loud voice (often in front of others). I didn't lash back. Instead, I would respond carefully and apologetically, making the other person look like the unchristian hotheads that they were. I had to bite my tongue pretty hard sometimes, but that was all part of the plan. After things cooled, I'd then come back with my defense before everyone involved with my proof of what I'd been told or not told earlier. Sometimes it was hard to resist the urge to fly off the handle in a fit of justified rage, but I found even more satisfaction at learning how to make those idiots feel small and foolish for their temper-tantrums.
Enough about bethel crap, I'll move forward to more recent history. My coolheadedness has certainly helped with my fade. JWs love to claim how exJW "apostates" are so very angry all the time about everything. As I learned more of TTATT, I increasingly felt the urge to get angry and speak my mind, but I was determined that the label "angry apostate" would never be stuck onto me. Notably, in the meeting where I was removed as an elder, I would have good reason to get mad for the dumb sh!t that those elders were saying, but I didn't. I let them be the fools that they are. Then I walked away and could truthfully say: "I learned that Br. X certainly has a temper!" "Br. Y certainly can't keep his story straight if you ask him any questions." "Br. Z promptly reported to his non-elder friends what transpired, so why are you pretending that anything in there is confidential?" And in later meetings with some of the elders and with COs, I completely kept my cool. I actually think that it was very disarming for them that they couldn't come away saying that I was angry or bitter. And plenty in the congregation knew exactly what was going on and got angry at what jerks the body of elders were.
Additionally, in my dealings with my parents, I've made it clear that I'm not an uncontrollable or unreasonable hothead. Perhaps it's part of our family dynamics that whoever raises their voice in a disagreement is the loser. And when somebody starts getting loud and showing a temper, they're going to hear something like, "Well, if you are going to get loud and angry, we'd better just end this conversation before you have a stroke or seizure or something." I've been very careful to never act angry toward my parents, or interrupt them while they're talking, or even try to put them "on the spot" in discussions. By keeping the conversation civil, I've found that I've gotten them to agree with me on a few important points, while we still differ on others. But most importantly, the communication lines are still open. Actually, we talk very little about religion, except for talking about what's going on with whom. Dad and I are more likely to talk about religion, but it's never an argument. It's actually very interesting to get his perspective on things.
One of the things I think helps me is that in our conversations I keep "the organization" as an outside third person. It's certainly not easy, since JWs are so heavily programmed to be mindless drones with their full identities connected to the "Mother bOrg". Even though I am tempted to rant and rave in anger over WT policies, teaching, and practices, I avoid the impression of anger toward WT, it's much more about frustration, I suppose. And as I think about it, I would say that rather than showing anger, I just say something like, "It makes me angry when I think that an elder who hears about a child being raped would call the Legal Department at Patterson rather than call the police ASAP." When I say things like that, it makes my parents angry too... at Watchtower. And that is one of the things that my parents and I agree upon.
So, that's my thoughts on how keeping control of my anger has helped my fade and helped me keep communication going with my parents. It looks like I might have some challenging conversations coming up this summer, so I'm trying to maintain "keeping my cool" as a priority.
Anybody else have any observations or opinions on anger management?
exJW Psychology 101--Keeping Your Cool While Fading
by Billy the Ex-Bethelite 41 Replies latest jw friends
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Billy the Ex-Bethelite
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Satanus
So, through all of this, you are not dffed?
This info would have helped me, when i exited.
S
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Billy the Ex-Bethelite
Not DFd or DAd, just faded when I moved away. We've actually had a lot fade from that congregation. Among my last acts as an elder was making many of their Congregation Publisher Record Cards disappear. LOL!
My situation drew the most attention since I went from model bethelite to ex-bethelite to ex-elder to ex-publisher in just a few short years.
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d
I used to be angry.But I am not so angry that much anymore.
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TMS
Great thoughts, Billy. . . . . . .
Here are some of my approaches:
There's a certain quiver in the voice when the emotions are so connected to what we're expressing. You can hear and feel the emotion in the voice of a religious fundamentalist when they call in to a radio talk show. I know I felt that same emotion well up when, as a JW, I dealt with criticism or mockery. I tried to suppress it then and have gotten much better at it now. Discussing religion dispassionately like most any other topic is a huge advantage. The lack of emotion also makes for clearer thinking, more reasoned, thoughtful responses.
Not being opinionated or dogmatic on things that do not matter, always being the "reasonable" one, makes it difficult for a frothing-at-the-mouth apostate label to stick.
I also join in discussions about the nuts and bolts of being a JW. . . and the memories of good people. It's not like I've amputated that part of my heritage. Having been a JW is a big part of who I am today, adding certain skills and eliminating many normal opportunities. I don't view those types of discussions as a compromise. If it leads a relative to ask if I would ever consider going back, I can just smile and say "oh, no." The discussion stops there, but they know I have my reasons and they must be good ones, based on how I carry myself.
tms
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insearchoftruth4
Its Cool to be Cool Billy! Be in the Cool School. Schools for fools is in those boring meetings......Hope you have the Cool..est fade Bro...Inso4
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bats in the belfry
Billy the Ex-Bethelite >>>
Not DFd or DAd, (...) Among my last acts as an elder was making many of their Congregation Publisher Record Cards disappear. LOL!
About a decade ago I did similar, without the elder and bethel bit, of course. So, I had no access to the PRC.
Will the BoE forget about that Congregation Publisher Record Card, or rip it up, ever?
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irondork
d: I used to be angry.But I am not so angry that much anymore.
Same... although I am reminded of just how short my fuse can be when met with disrespect or attempts at manipulation. This whole Watchtower affair has left me raw.
Great advise Billy. I like your family modo: whoever raises their voice in a disagreement is the loser.
I would SO lose first... mostly.
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SophieG
Great post Billy! I can certainly relate about anger management. In my case it’s best if I manage it because I can easily go from zero to rage and it is not a pretty sight to behold.LOL!
One of the things I think helps me is that in our conversations I keep "the organization" as an outside third person.
This is a bingo for me. Recently to my surprise, a few JW friends have been reaching out to me undoubtedly because my “language” has changed, mainly on social network sites. I actually had lunch with a good JW girl friend recently and during the conversation I talked about the organization in a way where she was quite receptive to what I was saying AND even agreed on certain points. I had to explain to her how the org has affected me and was able to stay away from doctrinal issues. It seems whenever I would raise these issues I would get angry because they could not grasp the points. Then that would lead to them getting angry, cult shutdown, and nothing would be accomplished.
I have seen it said here that trying to reach the person’s authentic self is a good way of helping people see the org for what it is. I don’t think I come across as an “angry apostate” to any of them. Just someone who has decided that the JW way of life does not work for me. That I am still the same person, JUST HAPPIER and better emotionally, and mentally. And they can SEE that.
I have learned speak up when it’s necessary and it’s always the tone and meaning behind the words that I feel really reach people. I decided as much as I love my family I can’t make them come out. Spouting off the falsehoods and injustices of the WTBS only shoves them further in. Living a good life, being at peace about things appears to raise their curiosity much better.
I am fading and it’s been going quite well. My goal is not get DF’d or DA’d either. I intend to walk away, live my life and keep my family ties at all costs .
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gingerbread
This is the kind of practical information that those of us who are not disfellowshipped or disassociated and were born in/raised in need as we are exiting. Thank you Billy!
It's difficult enough just deconstruction ones belief system. Keeping the disbelief, frustration, anger and fear inside can become all consuming. I'm not an angry 'apostate' with a driving desire to 'expose' the WT or lash out at elders or family for what they hold to be true. And I'm not allowing resentment to overshadow the search for personal fulfillment and spiritual bliss.