exJW Psychology 101--Keeping Your Cool While Fading (page 3)

laverite

Billy wrote:" Among my last acts as an elder was making many of their Congregation Publisher Record Cards disappear."

The Force is strong in you, Young Ex-Bethelite!

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

Flipper: I think you highlight an example where I would feel justified in showing my temper--standing up for someone else.

One of the situations I'll probably encounter this summer is my self-righteous cousin treating his sister and/or my aunt like trash. I'll probably use the line, "Hey, you may think you're pretty awesome to talk to your mother/sister like that, but NOBODY talks to my aunt/cousin like that! Is that the kind of garbage they're teaching you in Kingdom Ministry School now? It's bad enough that they're teach you how to protect pedophiles from the police, but now they're teaching you how to act like a prick around the family?"

I know it's controvertial stuff to say with others hearing, but enough of the family knows about that issue and they are all getting sick of my cousin's attitude.

flipper

BILLY- I know what you mean dealing with JW relatives. With some of them I find I have to walk on eggshells regarding what I say. With others like my mom who is independent thinking herself - I could call Ted Jaracz or Fred Franz weasels and she wouldn't hold it against me. My mom truly does respect my differences with the WT organization she is just controlled and stymied by my dad's " headship " principles. Ridiculous

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

Oh, and I should clarify on this thread that nearly all of my conversations with believing JWs involving anything controversial about the religion have only been with only one person at a time. I only had one such conversation that involved both of my parents at the same time.

Just in case things ever went badly and I went too far in speaking to a person, there wouldn't be a second witness. Also, the conversations can get interesting when we're one-on-one and the other person can speak freely about their thoughts. Plus it's easier to keep my cool when I don't feel outnumbered.

Heaven

Billy, you are a very intelligent person and have found what really works when trying to communicate and maintain a relationship with family who are in a flawed and destructive belief system.

"Emotions Down; Productivity Up." - Monty Roberts

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness.” - Stephen R. Covey

LongHairGal

Billy:

Very good. We all have anger and some have more anger than others. It all depends on how damaged you were by the religion and how long you were there. Over time, my anger has diminished. Thankfully, I don't have any family there and don't feel the need to "drag anybody out".

I also came to terms with the reality that there is no real closure in the sense of getting "revenge" with certain individuals. There are people there I would have liked to tell off if I ever had the proper circumstances. However, some have passed away. So, I am never going to get that opportunity to tell them off or "show them". I don't even entertain those thoughts anymore.

Because there is no accountability inside the JW religion and many JWs are also victims, the enemy is sometimes faceless. Although, I am not referring to anybody who actually committed a crime (e.g. pedophiles) and these people should be prosecuted. I am referring to the general smug/arrogant/self-righteous attitude manifested by many JWs. You are not going to change it one iota.

For the most part I have moved on as a "fader". Like you, I keep my temper on the few occasions I am around JWs. I don't engage them in conversation and I don't let myself be baited. I don't care what they think of me at this point and I am not providing them with free entertainment. (People who lose it and go "off" on JWs just provide them with tempting gossip and it doesn't accomplish anything anyway.)

I am not knocking anybody who feels the need to be an activist, but it is not for me.

Better to just get on with your life and forget the JW experience as a closed chapter in your life.

Oubliette

Keeping control of one's temper is always a good thing. Thanks for sharing!

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

"It looks like I might have some challenging conversations coming up this summer, so I'm trying to maintain "keeping my cool" as a priority."

So it's time to add an update. Having read about the contents of the DC, and the "apostate" talks, I was worried about any backlash from my parents after they returned from the program. We'd discussed enough that they certainly could have labeled me "apostate." I can sum up everything that happened after their convention in one word... "nothing." I'd mentally rehearsed for all kinds of difficult conversations, I was loaded for bear, but nothing happened. Well, not exactly "nothing," so I'll fill in the events.

Decades of experience taught me to dread the DC, but hidden behind a smile. So much work to get everything ready, sitting in uncomfortable seats for days, coming home exhausted, and Mom stressed out. So, the weekend that my parents were in a crowded arena, I went by to mow the lawn and weed the garden. I saw what they needed and stopped by the store. I actually did a lot of work in the garden since the weather was better than perfect. And I was there when they got home, figuring if I saw much stress or awkwardness, I'd just leave. Well, obviously they were very happy to see so much work done, and Mom was in the best post-DC mood that I'd ever seen, because she wasn't coming home to a bunch of work.

So, I didn't have to run away as soon as they got home. Instead, we worked together and talked about all kinds of nonJW things. The only DC discussion that came up was a passing mention of one release, the mention of a bro that was on the TV news, and the updated list of who are now in wheelchairs. At one point, I thought we might get into it. Dad came toward me, with Bible in hand, saying, "I have a project for you." He then opened the Bible showing the binding falling apart. "There aren't any new ones anywhere and this is falling apart. Is your hand steady enough to glue this?" So, I continued being the good son and carefully glued his binding... without gluing the whole thing shut. So, still no new Bibles in the KH, no Bibles at the DC, no announcement about the Biblelessness. WT should be totally ashamed of themselves.

In my situation with my parents, the GBs power grab to try to alienate JWs from their exJW family with this DC program didn't work. I really think that I paid much more attention to the contents of the DC than my parents did. Otherwise, I was wondering if somebody said something crazy or if something else weird happened that the program seemed to mean nothing to them so soon after it was over. Maybe the "no new Bibles" situation has gotten to them, since I think they were really expecting something at the DC. My parents were more concerned about the news of the wildfires out west, their upcoming vacation plans, and all kinds of things nonJW. And I'm pretty good at reading my folks, but I detected that they had no desire to talk about the DC or anything "spiritual." I didn't have to hear, "best program ever" nonsense. It all seemed really weird... don't get me wrong, it's a very good weird.

I certainly don't mean to gloat about how well this is going with my parents while so many others here on the forum have families that are so messed up by the cult. I realize things could change with my parents, but it sure seems like they're nothing like the diehards they used to be.

And that makes Jehovah Corp and the GB sad.

finally awake

I'd be thrilled to no end if one of my kids weeded the garden for me! You are a good son, Billy

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

Working in the garden used to seem so futile since I used to believe that it would all be destroyed very soon anyway. LOL

exJW Psychology 101--Keeping Your Cool While Fading

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