I moved recently and while unpacking my boxes I discovered my journal that I started keeping a few years ago but have since not written in.
I think that whats in it may be helpful to some lurkers out there who are in the situation I was in at the time a lot of it was written. Even if only one person out there who was rejected, discarded and shunned and yet blames themselves is helped by what I'm writing it is worth the pain revisited and sweaty armpits i have right now.
I dont write here for sympathy. I write for me because I've never had anyone understand me or anyone that I could be open and honest with before. Never been able to just let out whats inside. And for the people out there that may be helped by knowing they arent alone. I dont have any answers really as to what to do to fix your situation but all I know is that finding out that I wasnt alone in how I felt has been such a comfort to me that I hope I can give some of that comfort to someone else.
I still don't think I can publically write some of my life experiences whilst I was a jw, which was my whole life, because its just too hard and scary and personal. But I will share what I feel I can from my journal and hopefully it will help someone out there who has felt the same way to not be so alone.
11/20/99 - its been so long since i've written and so much has happened since. i cant remember most of it though. well i dont want to i guess.
i had a meeting last night with brothers allen, payne, and lopez. the second meeting. i was so stupid for going. i cried the whole time and i know they wanted to leave. brother lopez doesnt like me and i know he doesnt believe what i told him.
i dont think i should have told anyone about anything not even mom. the story is too unbelievable and they want to know all the details before they decide. i told them that i dont want anything anymore except i just want to die. they sent me home to think about it. i know they hate me. just like everyone else.
and i know now that i have to do what i've been planning for a long time. first i have to make sure that j is taken care of when i'm gone. i hate myself already for making him an orphan. all i want is for him to be happy. i hope he is strong enough to overcome. i want him to live forever.
i hurt so much. i just want to tell someone everything i've felt since i was a kid. i'm so alone. i dont have anyone. i was thinking about calling my doctor cause i know some meds will help me a little but now i know there is no medicine to help me. i am too far gone now i wish i had killed myself a long time ago instead of bringing another life into this mess to be hurt.
i still dont know 100% that i'm not going to take j's life too. it might be better. i wouldnt let him feel any pain. just go to sleep and not wake up. he doesnt deserve my same fate but i cant stand the idea of him turning out to be like me. if he cant be happy and have friends and have jehovahs love than i know it would be better. i hope jehovah will love him. i dont think he'll hold the bad things i've done against him.
he really is a good god. thats why he couldnt let me back in the congregation. it was for everyone elses good. he has to protect them first. i deserve to be suffering for what i have done. its my own fault i made my own choices to go against jehovah. its too late to be sorry now.
Ok thats all for tonight. Maybe it'll be part one of more but I'm not sure. If your out there feeling the same please know that you arent to blame for how you feel. The organization is sick and twisted and not at all the only true religion. If you need proof please stick around and know that you arent alone. Get the answers you need and you'll realize all your pain was because of a lie.
flower
edited cause i screwed up the format :)