HOW to accept counsel and criticism from an Elder

Terry

There is a CATCH-22 that can trip you up at the local Kingdom Hall.

If you receive "counsel" from an Elder about any behavior at all and you "resist" or question the counsel you can be accused of having a "spirit of rebellion".

So, you have to either shut up and comply (with even the most ludicrous and ill-founded suggestions) or answer back and be chastised and "marked".

Is there a better way?

I have a few suggestions that might help.

1.Smile and thank the brother for bringing the matter to your attention. Look them right in the eye.

2.Ask if you can sit down privately later somewhere and have a more in-depth casual chat about the details.

3.Begin the "chat" by mentioning that you were surprised that your behavior had offended the brother.

"I always have thought of you as very strong in the Truth; you can imagine my surprise that ( insert complaint behavior ) stumbled you! It was very kind of you to bring it to my attention before real harm was done."

Note: their ego is now the issue.

4. " I mean, you can't help what offends you--your conscience is probably a lot more tender and sensitive from your years of service."

Now, watch their expression and eyes when you say:

5. "I truly want to express my gratitude that you followed the bible's admonition to counsel me first privately before discussing this with anybody else. You DIDN'T discuss it with anybody else first----DID YOU?"

(Say the next sentence with firm but gentle authority)

6. "Worldly people wrongly criticize Jehovah's people by saying we aren't allowed to have a personal opinion or free expression without being shut down or silenced in the congregation. Yet, here we are having a free exchange of ideas!"

7. "Wouldn't you agree that if a behavior or personal means of self-expression isn't specifically identified in the Bible-it is really a matter of personal conscience?"

The brother or elder will use the line about "offending a weaker one's conscience and stumbling"

8. "Well, as you've said earlier--you certainly are NOT a weaker brother--so NO HARM DONE--right?"

The brother or elder will mention "others" who "might" be stumbled.

9.Smile and give a robust laugh while slapping him on the back as you say:

"I know what you mean. Just about anybody could be potentially offended by anything--now couldn't they?"

10. (Whatever reply the elder gives next, follow with) "I'm sure you will agree with me, Brother X, none of us wants to live in the same SPIRIT OF FEAR that the churches of Christendom have. In Jehovah's organization we have a SPIRIT OF FREEDOM because Christ Jesus FREED US from the fear of man. Allowing the fear of weaker people to control us and restrain us would be to plunge back into the darkness."

"Like the scripture says, Those whom the Son has set free are FREE INDEED!"

Conclude by saying:

I'm so very glad we had this conversation.

"You know, a weaker brother might have simply tried to bully me by trying to use their personal preference as a wedge under the authority of being an Elder in the congregation. But, you Brother X, are too mature and loving a brother to ever pull that crap! Thanks so much for your help.

I feel much better now---don't you?"

Mr. Falcon

good point, Terry. I've always found the whole "counseling" thing to be condescending and passive-aggressive bullying. Like, designed to humiliate you and make you feel powerless, ya know?

Terry

Elders are not meek and lowly. They are not really servants. They are prison guards employing intimidations.

For intimidation to work, the intended target must buy in to the idea they are inferior.

If this premise is challenged intimidation quickly reveals itself to be actual bullying.

It takes a clear mind and practice to recognize that you have the power to resist bullying by flipping the context.

Stumbling others is in the mind. Weak people are stumbled because of ignorance. Ignorance is the standard, then, for christian conduct!

Thought crimes, supressions, repression lead to obsequious behavior.

Challenging an Elder to demonstrate a clear instance of Jesus' teaching goes a long way toward flipping the dynamic!

"Where did Jesus teach that?"

A: Well, the Society says.....blah blah blah

"Thank you, but I asked: where did Jesus teach that? Aren't we Christians. Isn't Jesus our exemplar?"

A: Are you saying the Society is....blah blah blah?

"Let me help you NOT miss the point, okay? Where does Jesus--our example and our leader--teach what you are counseling me about?"

The Elder will wiggle. The Elder will deflect. The Elder will puff up with righteous indignation.

But, he is dodging for a reason!

Repeat your calm request without any emotion at all.

"Brother Elder, is my question about Jesus somehow UNREASONABLE to you?"

Splash

A handy phrase is "For those loving Jehovah there is no stumbling block",

or "The stupid one is hurrying to take offence".

Splash

Band on the Run

My mom was truly awesome, combining so many of your suggestions. She did a step'n'fetch it routine while she kept moving and talked to them in motion into the car and hit the accelerator for freedom. I was almost in tears. She could not wear her favorite wig. Her skirts were too short. My baby sister was brushing her little baby feets against a KH chair. My personal favorite was when she let me bring my fashion doll, Suzette, to a convention if I promised to keep quiet.

Suzette caused a great stir. My mom was severely rebuked but I still held Suzette. Finally, a very old family friend arrived. They grew up together as JWs. He was the main speaker at the convention. In front of all the outraged crowd, he knelt down to talk to three year old me. He announced in front of everyone that he was very happy to see me again. Next, he asked for a formal introduction to Suzette. I was so happy. He shook her hand and brushed some of her stray hair away from her face. Paradise arrived.

We don't have to listen to the locals b/c she knows most of Bethel.--back when you could know everyone. Walk tall and proud. I know how to deal with them.

If the incident with Suzette was one of your most cherish memories, you are in the wrong place.

Captain Blithering

@terry, - that is superb! I'm gonna try get this reasoning into my head, (I'm not a good arguer) it's brilliant!

irondork

For why should it be that my freedom is judged by another person’s conscience? - Paul

Julia Orwell

Gosh I used to arc right up at them. Then i'd settle down and comply. What a little sheeple I was.

piztjw

Personlly I have found the single best answer to use is, "Well, you may have a point. I will give it further consideration."

Then I promptly forget what they said.

In a case a few years ago I was supposed to read the WT article about marrying "only in the lord" and was hauled in the back room because, "some might be offended because you married a non-jw (thirteen years ago)."

The shearer of sheep that "counseled" me waited until he was the sole "elder" in town to voice his personal opinion.

Now every time any of them ask, "Why aren't you doing (insert whatever order they yammer)?", I simply say, "Well someone just MIGHT be offended by my doing that, and I SURELY don't want to "stumble" any of the weak ones!"

The hypocrisy of the congregation fleecers of the sheep preaching about forgiveness then refusing to practice what they preach was instrumental in my seeing TTATT

Mum

Those "elder" guys are something else! At my JC meeting, the one who was the most hard-nosed had been a born-in JW, and joined the military when he turned 18. Then he married a "worldly" woman and had six kids! Why was he an "elder" to begin with?

They are arrogant because they really have not achieved anything in the real world, but in the cult world, they are "leaders" and potential "princes." Women pursue them. The whole congregation adores them. They are demigods, "special." They don't even know they're ignorant. Pathetic!

HOW to accept counsel and criticism from an Elder

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