Feeling numb and alone

by DeWandelaar 22 Replies latest jw experiences

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  DeWandelaar

  Since some time I post here on this forum... I am always willing to help people or to express my opinion if it helps someone...

  I have already posted something about myself but I haven't told much about my history.

  I am married with a nice wife and I have three kids (two of my own and a stephdaughter). Since a year I do not go to meetings and I unofficially stopped with the "truth". I had a meeting with some elders expressing my concerns with the teachings and with the slave. They told my I was on thin ice and encouraged me not to express these feelings with others. They thought I was disappointed with people and although some of it is true it is not what caused me to stop. But... I was thinking: I can do it the hard way (bringing myself to the point to officially stop) and the "easiest" way (fading). Although I was fierce in the beginning (before the meeting) I started to choose for the fading road.

  Now... some couple of months (almost a year) later I feel numb and quite alone... the easier way is a hard way since I am now in a sort of "vacuum". I am no witness... but I am not in "the world" either. I feel a lot like a dead man walking really... as if my life stopped there...

  As of family: my mum passed away 2 years ago and my sister 3.5 years ago (within a week she died of leucemia)... My father who raised us in the truth has "betrayed" me as well and totally lost control of his own life after the passing of my mum. I understand it though it showed me first of all that HIS faith did not help him very much.

  The relationship I have with my wife is ok but for some reason the only time we "make love" is when we have drunk a lot... and even then... it just does not happen often. I do not blame her (she had a lot of bad experiences in the past) but it just adds up to the numbness I feel.

  And my kids? My first son is so extremely energic and disobedient that it fustrates the shit out of me... and my youngest is following the example...

  Together with a worse financial situation (2013 has been a really bad year for me) I seem to loose my grip on my life entirely.

  I know that writing this down does not help me in any way (except that I shared it with "strangers") but I feel alone and the only thing I see is nothingness.

  Sorry to bother you guys... but noone else seems to listen to me
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  Ding

  I am no witness... but I am not in "the world" either.

  I can relate to that!

  I felt like I was in limbo for some time.

  I didn't fit in at the KH, but the WT had poisoned me to everything else.

  They do this by design.

  It's one of the marks of a mind control organization.

  With regard to non-religious matters, try to find things you like to do and check out some local groups that do it -- cars, sports leagues, book clubs, etc.

  With regard to religious issues, I recommend that you take your time investigating things and sorting out what you are going to believe.

  Don't go looking for the "right" religious organization to join.

  One thing the WT does is get JWs fixated on organization -- always looking for an organized hierarchy rather than on a relationship with God.

  Study the Bible without WT literature for awhile.

  I recommend starting with Galatians and Romans.

  Read them as if you had never read them before.

  You'll be surprised at how different they are than the WT spin.
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  troubled mind

  You are not alone .... I am so sorry for all the loss you have experienced in such a short period of time . Take some time for yourself to heal emotionally . You may not realize how much of what you are currently going through may be based on the fact you are still in a grieving process over your mother and Sister. I am sorry your Dad has not handled the grief ,maybe it is not too late to work things out with him for mutual support . A local support group could be beneficial too .

  As for fading .... it is NOT the easier road . It does make you feel in limbo because you ARE ! You are being pulled in many different ways and pretending to be something you are not . Really give this route some thought and decide, is it truly the best way for you ?

  In regards to your family life ,my advice would be to seek family counseling . Or in the very least begin a new way to bring the family together . When my kids were little we had very little money ,so we found every free thing there was to do with kids . We went camping ,found every local park to explore . We found zoos and museums and special community events geared towards families . This helped strengthen our family and gave us time together to explore interests . When you are drawing away from a community based religion such as the JWs you need to replace that sense of belonging with something else . Look for clubs or interests to join that will give you that feeling of being apart of something else and a way to meet new people-friends to introduce into your life .

  Good luck with whatever you decide ,and remember you are not alone . Someone to talk to is only a keystroke away .
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  nonjwspouse

  In case this helps you in any way. Those extremely energetic kids ( which by the way are commonly disobdient by nature) are usually thirsting for all sorts of learning. Teach them and learn with them about all kinds of things. Learn history, science, art, music, growing a garden, ANYthing that takes energy, and show them how to channel it. The most challanging kids are many times the brightest, which is the reason they are challanging.

  Take on that chalange, fill your emptiness with fun tiimes with your kids learning, creating and doing. hether you decide a class is appropriate, or just going off on your own, camping, visiting museums, going to outdoor concerts to watch the musicians play..... find out what they have interest in and go with it.

  I am learning by reading the many postings here that energetic kids in the KH are generraly labeled as bad because they are way to bored to sit still for so long. They develop poor self esteem, thinking they must BE bad. You can channel their energys and watch them grow, and gain cvofidence in thier abilities. But if your wife is still in the JW mindset, it will be up to you to bring that mental, emotional and physical development into your boys lives.

  You can do it!
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  Adventurousone

  Hello:

  Sorry to hear of your loss of your mom and sister. And also your dad disowning you because you faded away. Sorry to hear about you and your wife. Drinking doesn't solve the problem even though it might numb it for awhile. Maybe things will change for you and her in the near future. As far as your kids being energetic it could be because their getting to much sugar. There are so many different forms of sugar, and they put them in almost everything we eat. Why even McDonalds puts sugar in their fries. Why so you'll keep coming back. If your not already eating healthy I would advise you to start as soon as you can. It's not really that expensive because I can whip up a cheap but inexpensive meal for me and my husband for just a few dollars and have leftovers too. That may help in some way or another. You also got some good advice from others on the forum so feel free to put them to use because you may find that they'll work. Don't ever feel that your a bother because your not. We love to hear about the experiences your having because there is sombody out there feeling the same. So keep busy maybe doing some research will take your mind off of your problems. So take care of yourself.
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  jgnat

  I was going to put in my two cents worth but I think everyone has nailed it. Now that you have taken away it is time to start adding in.
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi DeWandelaar, You have been given some excellent advice about your feelings, your children, and your wife.

  Since you are having financial difficulties, I would recommend the following:

  1. Reduce/stop drinking alchohol as much as possible. Go for long walks with your wife and talk with her about her feelings instead of getting drunk to have sex. Good communication and agreement with your wife about non-WTBTS issues is very important for you to recover emotionally and financially, and to raise your children.
  2. Research and learn how to make a workable budget and then make one with your wife and both of you stick to your budget. Cut out most if not all discrentionary expenses. Instead of spending money on gas, walk, bicycle, and/or carpool as much as possible. Buy cheaper food that still tastes good to you.
  3. If your wife does not work, talk with your wife about working part-time and/or getting a better education to improve your family's financial situation.
  4. Read, do lots of research, and start to think critically of your WTBTS experience. To learn more how you were victimized by the WTBTS go to the library and borrow Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visit Steve Hassan's website www.freedomofmind.com, and watch videos that are on Steve Hassan's website.
  5. Do not show your wife your research about the WTBTS unless she starts to express doubts about the WTBTS, asks you questions about your research and feelings to help her question her beliefs about the WTBTS, and only in small doses so that she does not experience cognitive dissonance.

  Please continue to post your experience and ask for advice about specific topics on JWN so that you can get through this rough time for you and your family as well as to help other visitors to realize that they are not alone in how they feel.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  clarity

  "Sorry to bother you guys... but noone else seems to listen to me"

  So sorry Dewan, you aren't a bother, it is horrible to feel this way,

  I do understand.

  >

  Sometimes I have really wanted to 'let it all hang out',

  on here, but then I think ...what if no one reads my words

  and the page is left empty.

  >

  Good for you for sharing, keep your chin up and

  concentrate on seeing your kids as 'real people'

  & have a bunch of fun with them !

  Lovely ideas from these wonderful people, so no time

  to worry about anything but enjoying your family!

  clarity
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  yourmomma

  i cant add anything better than what has already been written. i will say this, if at all possible, deal with your numbness, because speaking from experience, there comes a point where you cant get it back. its like a switch and after a while it can break. mine broke and i keep trying to flip it back on, but im just number to everything. now the benefit is i am able to thrive when things are bad, and dont suffer depression and am generally content, but its like a numb content. its almost like im not comfertable unless things are bad, when things are good i get edgy. most of this is JW induced stuff.

  just my 2 cents, hopefully im wrong and you can get it back, but im at a place in my life where im realy doing good with alot of stuff and i want the switch to turn back on, but its just not happening. its probably like a cult PTSD or something. good luck!
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  Lozhasleft

  It's very sad to hear your pain and isolation. You don't say whether or not your wife and kids are still entrenched in the WTBS, but I'm guessing they may be. Advice from an oldie? Start really talking to your wife about your feelings, women can usually relate to emotional pain. Get your son checked out, could he be on the ASD spectrum, or is something disturbing him? Ask for help from professionals, there may be underlying issues. Fade or not, branch out and start meeting new people, whether from volunteering or through a hobby. Stretch your world. Finally, get as far away as you can from the WT org. There's no happiness for you or your kids in staying anywhere near it.

  Loz x