Newly wed UBM and soon to meet JW in-laws

by UBM101 44 Replies latest jw experiences

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  ABibleStudent

  Hi UBM101, Ditto what ignat wrote. I feel that you need to discuss how you feel with your husband and the best way to approach his parents. If he does not agree with your approach and feels that he can convert you with time, then you are in for a very difficult marriage.

  If your husband asks you, "Why you will not become a JW", I would tell him to read "Combatting Cult Mind Control" for himself and give him your copy instead of asking him if he really wants to know.

  I wish you and your husband a happy and wonderful marriage free from the WTBTS's BITE Control.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  UBM101

  We had a long distance relationship and no, we did not live in sin . I am pretty a Christian myself and we kept it as "clean" as we can. We dated for 2 years, and finally decided to get married. I can see how hard my husband try to keep to his faith & belief (as he said his faith and belief changes sometime and that makes him sad - but me happy ). I am quite convinced that he doubts and probably it is hard for him to belief but something inside that holds him in. Probably fear of losing his family, or other factors, I have no idea.

  He has all the traits that Bells mentioned above which at first annoyed me but came to understand why later. We have had a few heated argument before and I concluded that direct argument and discussion is not gonna work. What I can do best now is to live and show him that the world and Christendom are not as the WTBS claimed to be, and subtly highlighting the flaws and lies of the WTBS as much as I can.

  And future plan is, to keep him physically as far away as possible from the family.
• 

  ABibleStudent

  UBM101 - And future plan is, to keep him physically as far away as possible from the family.

  Hi UBM101, What does your husband like to do? You can visit www.meetup.com to meet other non-JWs who your husband might like to be friends with. If you live in the USA, I would sign up for daily promotions on www.travelzoo.com and www.groupon.com so that you can go out and have fun for less. I would also invite your husband's non-JW friends over for dinner as much as possible.

  Do you know anything about investing? Ask your husband what he dreams about doing later in life? If he dreams about activities that involve spending money, then both of you should learn about investing. I have had investment accounts with several brokerage firms, but I like www.tdameritrade.com the best for their research and their ThinkorSwim software. After starting an account with TDAmeritrade for ~ $500, you can download ThinkorSwim for free and start listening to the chats, and using its Papermoney and ThinkBack features to practise investing without putting any of your money at risk. Trust me when I say that you will be spending a lot of hours learning how to use the ThinkorSwim Platform and how to invest, so your husband will not have much time to read WTBTS propaganda and avoid going to meetings.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  jwfacts

  I am somewhat concerned when you say:

  Hubby is kind of in-between, doubting in his beliefs, having plenty of worldly friends but very much still mentally in.

  If he does not sort that out it is possible something will happen that will push him back in. Your primary concern should be in gently guiding him to understand that the Watchtower is a high control organisation and cannot be trusted. There is a difference between following Jesus and the Bible, and following the leaders of a modern day religious organisation.

  Regarding his family, I would recommend option 4:

  Smile, nod your head, and then say it is not a topic you wish to discuss. If you have any questions you will discuss it in private with your husband.
• 

  ilikecheese

  My boyfriend is a JW and his mom hates me because I'm not one. I'd just say be sweet as pie but stand firm in your convictions. It's really all you can do.
• 

  pronomono

  Since your husband is inactive, it is only natural that his JW family will try to pull him back to where he was. In his family's eyes, their religion serves as a necessary bond between them. This situation has to be handled delicately if either you or your husband want to maintain a relationship with his family. If the situation becomes confrontational, you will no doubt be marked apostate and cut off from them until you are willing to change your views. If you are open to discussion, they will try to indoctrinate you, and when you don't progress, you'll get written off as they move on to someone else. If you play the middle ground of being okay with their religion, supporting their right to believe what they want, and not force your beliefs on them (although they will try to do this to you), you may be able to salvage a good relationship with them. In my experience as a JW, most of them are great people, but have serious flaws due to extreme paranoia of those outside their religion. If you can show that you are not a threat to their spirituality, you may be accepted as their friend since you are now family. If you get this far, in time they will get weary of trying to sway you and will accept the relationship that you have. However, do not become offended when they try to bring up their beliefs from time to time. We are instructed to do this, since peoples attitudes and situations change. Handle it properly and they will not be offended when you subtly side step their attempts.
• 

  steve2

  jwfacts expresses a thought I also had: Your dear hubby is in two minds. Therefore, abide by that wise old saying: Come between your husband's relationship with his mother at your peril.

  Play your in-laws skillfully. There is no need to raise the matter of your views on their religion. Make it their business but none of yours. Equally, if they try to get your views, keep your business to yourself. You would not be the first wifely rabbit innocently answering your in-laws nosy questions as they size up your suitability and gradually find ways to undermine you when they have their boy alone.

  Good luck in your marriage. Moving to a new area well away from your husband's parents will be a pertinent way for your husband to demonstrate he's wedded to you and NOT to his parents.
• 

  The Searcher

  You could always say that you agree with J.F. Rutherford's statement that "religion is a snare and a racket".

  Then ask them, "do you believe every single teaching that comes through yor literature, and if so, why?". (they have to say 'yes')

  They will relish the the chance to tell you about God's inspired, direct channel of communication on earth, (aka the Faithful & Discreet Slave or Governing Body) based on Matthew 24:45-47. Time for you to open up the Bible!!

  Ask them to explain why they believe in "new" scrolls, when Revelation 20:12 uses no such word.

  Then ask them why they believe that these scrolls are opened during Christ's 1000 year reign, when the previous verses clearly show that they are not opened until after Satan is destroyed - after the 1000 years!!

  Then conclude by asking them why they believe that these scrolls will be "wonderful new teachings" during the 1000 years, when verse 12 plainly states that they are used specifically to judge the dead - after the 1000 years!

  If they deny what the Bible says in favour of Brooklyn's teaching, your husband will get one huge wake-up call!
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  nugget

  The problem you have is if your husband has doubts but still believes he may be sucked back in. JWs are very effective at applying guilt and pressure to get ex believers back in line and unless someone is mentally free they are still influenced by all this. The other thing is when JWs are processing difficult situations they can shut out the unbelieving spouse since JWs are conditioned that this is a personal struggle and not to be influenced by worldly influences they will see you as part of the problem not part of the solution. Be aware of this and if your husband starts to withdraw from you you might get an early heads up that they are affecting him more.

  I would avoid confrontation but I would suggest being polite but firm. If they try to pressure you to study or look more into their faith then thank them for their offer but say that you are happy with your faith and have no wish to study with them. If this should change you know where they are and would come to them.

  Be curious and question every assumption. Talk to your husband about what was said get him to think about things that he has accepted. Not as a challenge but as someone who would like to know the answer. Getting him to look into things and explain will help him understand why he has doubts and clarify his own concerns.

  Good luck
• 

  carla

  "And future plan is, to keep him physically as far away as possible from the family"- best idea you could have

  Jw facts pointed out that he is of two minds, very concerning especially if you are going to see the family and spend any amount of time with them. If his brain is not free of the wt he will never be completely free no matter how far away you move.

  You are going to a kh? part of a 'deal'? yeah, as a ubm I have made many deals myself over the years. Here's how a jw deal works - you make good on all your deals concerning the jw's but they never follow through on their part of the bargain. Example- if you have made a deal to go to a kh and he must go to a church of your choosing make sure he does his part of the deal FIRST! they will 'change' their minds and say that if they follow through with x it will make jehovah sad blah, blah, blah...... therefore they just cannot go through with it even if they gave their word.

  You should also understand as a ubm, jw's are completely fine with lying to unbelieving spouses and it is even encouraged by the elders and other jw's. Also see the definition of the word 'lie' in the Aid book and other literature.

  I hate to bring up kids here but should you ever have kids you could have one heck of a fight on your hands. He may say one thing now but pressure from his family and his jw mindset will require him to bring kids to a kh. That is a thing no kid should ever have to endure. I was successful in keeping my kids out of the cult at great sacrifice and nearly WW111 in my house but my kids have thanked me for it and have gone on to become Christians.

  I wish you well.