Julia, many huggs and kisses to you. It is unfortunate of the coincidental timing of the cycles of depression to your fade. From your brief posts, I feel I somewhat understand your frustration as I have suffered from depression since I was a kid. Further, I have reached certain celebratory milestones in my four year fade.
From your posts, it seems that you are going through a temporary low and you are perhaps considering that your low is causitive with your recent fade. It concerns you also that you are passing through the various doors of age and because of your WT indoctrination you have regrettably passed up opportunities.
For me there have been times that my family and myself incorrectly thought that material prosperity or other positive things we enjoyed were due to "Jehovah's Rich Blessing" because of our active witness life, sacrifices to the organization, and loyal support of his arrangements through the "earthly organization".
However, after accumulating some historical "data" to compare time and circumstances in my personal life, (I'm over 50 now) I know that in fact there is not any causitive connection of jumping through the continuous hoops of JW's or running on the JW exercise wheel with financial success, personal satisfaction and happiness, or mental and emotional fortitude. Any formerly perceived connection of being an example JW with satisfaction, happiness, or success is NOT causative, but only cooincidental.
I'm sure that you are aware of this, but it is WT indoctrination that encourages people to make connections of either successes or failures in life to the quantity and quality of service to Jehovah and the organization.
WTBTS does this by use and application of Bible examples like the Israelites loosing the battle against Ai because of the sin of A'chan. The battle loss at Ai was because of A'chans hiding spoil from the city of Jericho in a hole dug in his families tent. A'chans theft was the causation of Israel loosing Jehovah's blessing, subsequently the battle against Ai. Another Bible story that is used to "connect" JW's service performance and obedience to Jehovah's blessings is the difficulties that Adam and Eve had after they sinned and were not in the Garden of Eden.
The concept that loyal support of Jehovah's organization was directly connected to my personal happiness, financial success, family unity, and Jehovah's "protection" was one of the hurdles that I had to overcome.
