by grumblecakes 39 Replies latest jw friends
just say no. if you don't want to meet with them, why play around. you don't have to supply reasons or excuses....it is your life, your decisions. if you don't want something - that is the end of the matter. not happening.....
nobody owes them anything - they set themselves up as guardians of the sheep - but the reality is that they have absolutely no say over what anyone says thinks or does.
Also you need to have a clear idea of what you wish to achieve. I decided I did not want to DA or be DF'd. So, I achieved that, avoiding shepherding calls was part of the strategy, but only lasted a few months.
I then had to face the Elder who wished to call, and posed the fact that 1914 was not in the Bible. He never returned as promised to back up the teaching, so it was a good one it seems !
The thing is, if your aim is to fade, you have to roll with whatever crap they chuck at you, and don't allow them to dictate any outcome, keep control yourself.
But sitting back and doing nothing much, just taking a quiet back seat within the cult, is not progressing your fade, it needs to be done in positive steps, albeit baby steps at first.
Good Luck !
Going to a couple of meetings will not take you off the radar but intensify their attention and will still insist on a "shepherding" call. We stopped going immediately. Phone calls came (ignored), drop bys, ignored. We had told them they had to come at a scheduled time. It took 1 year for the phone calls to stop; drop by once a year before memorial, last year that stopped. We get invitations in the door once a year (DC). That's it.
We have no interest in "proving" them wrong.
No pearls before swine.
Just stick with not going, offer no explanations, just say things are great (they are) and you will call if you need thelp.
We run into jws from time to time when we are but excuse ourselves if they bring up meetings, conventions, etc.
As others suggested, just thank them for their concern and decline for the time being. Tell them you will call them when you are ready. And I agree with your last post -it is not always so easy for everyone to just walk away. I only have my wife still in, and I am still amazed that I am having to deal with this stuff.
Sorry, you can't avoid it. I made an appt to meet w/elders before the meeting in the library. I didn't want a bunch of strange men snooping around my home. I didn't know these guys, and knew Shepherding calls were a requirement. They were really angry that they didn't get inside my house, but agree dto meet at the KH before the mtg. I got asked a lot of obnoxious personal questions. Then, I moved and was in another area. I really was leaving for a trip back East, and told the elders on the phone that I was going back East for a lengthy time, and I never went back to the KH. That was when I just stopped going. I no longer answered my phone or knocks at the door...I eventually moved out the area anyway.
Just say no ... you are also not in any way obliged to say why
You can say no, but be aware of the consequences. It is a JW requirement. You will be labelled as rebellious, you are hiding something, and will be marked in the congregation. It's a big step to say no, unless a person is ready to leave the JWs, they had better comply. That was my last straw, that final shepherding call from new elders from Bethel placed in our congregation. I finally had had it, stalled them, and never went back, and I never will step back into a KH. I finally had the guts to walk away from the abuse, control, as I was born into the cult.
grumblecakes:
What I would do is just ignore the voice mail and carefully screen calls. I won't have a conversation with them. Also, I would look first before answering the door.
If they happen to corner me when I'm coming home from shopping and have packages: I just say in a louder than usual voice: Sorry, I have to go now! And I go straight into the house and close the door.
You don't have to be nasty, just evasive.
Grumblecakes: any updates? Hope all is well.
Missy
Hi Grumblecakes! I second Blondie's post. I experienced the same progression of events over a two-year period of time. I walked away cold and went from being contacted daily for five months to receiving my Memorial invite in the mail from the congo secretary last year and my Memorial and DC invites in my door this year.
My husband faded over 30 years ago. I was still in for three decades, and raised our kids as dubs. Hubby readily engaged the dubs, agreed with everything they said-- Yes, conditions are sooo much worse. Yes, I miss you and the friends too! Yes, I know my son gave a talk on the school; I heard him practice. Yes, yes, yes. Smile, smile, smile. Then he would always turn the conversation to them and their families. So nice to see you! Take care, bye!
Our daughter was asked for a shepherding call on the telephone when she was 17 years old. She "respectfully declined." She walked away and went to college. That was 15 years ago.
Our son chose the nuclear option: "Just f***ing DF me! I have a girlfriend (he was still married at the time-- really complicated story), and I smoke!" He was waving a lit cigarette at them. They cornered him at work. They obliged and DF'd him. That was 7 years ago.
I ignored all contact until about a year after my departure when a single el-dub in work clothes came to my door on a very rainy day. I let him in. He was alone. (Never talk to one of them on the phone either BTW, there may be a "second witness" listening in.) He asked how my sabbatical was going! Lol! I played the mental health card. Told him I knew where he was and knew how to contact him, if I needed to. I haven't seen them at my door or on my caller ID since. I still have lunch with my one conditional dub friend about every 4-6 weeks. Yes, she is probably counting the time. Helps me to keep up on congo news and fog my dub in-laws!
And get this; there is a whole hive of dub drone bees renovating a house right next door! I recognize all of the trucks. Hubby goes over to chat all the time. The contractor, a “bible student” with an “opposed wife” recognized me when I was walking to the mailbox early one morning. I said hi, listened to his woe and suggested he listen to his wife and do some online research about JWs. I thought I might have stirred the nest, but hey, it’s been a few weeks and no word yet—still just an “inactive sister”. Who? Don't even know the man! Never talked to him! No video; it didn't happen.
Grumblecakes, you are not accountable to them. Do what you have to in order to maintain the relationships you want for as long as you want. Just don’t talk to any dub on the phone or in person unless they are alone. Play the waiting game, and play whatever card(s) you have to. Each situation is different. Hope all is well for you and yours.
