Fading ... Do You Owe Witness Friends An Explanation?

by What Now? 33 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Iown Mylife

  HI WhatNow -

  It is lonely, we've been through a similar transition in our lives, from thinking we had many friends and being very social, to nobody calling and realizing we never had true friends.

  I want to say, it really will get better. I went through a sad lonely time but then i got busy with my own business and then gradually began reading websites like this and books like C of C. It became plain to me that it was better to be lonely than spending my life hanging around with superficial, hypocritical people.

  I don't know what the answer is. The two of us here are really too old to make new, deep friendships. But I'm enjoying all the great folks on this forum, very much!
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  Hortensia

  It ain't nobody's business but your own!

  You've already seen the quality of their friendship -- only one person asked you flat out what was going on, and then she spread gossip. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Phones and email work two ways, they could have called you and asked if they cared.
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  Incognito

  If your intention is to fade, you're best not to offer explainations.

  As I suspect that those inviting you to dinner and other social functions are from your own congregation, they would likely already know that you have been abscent or 'inactive' so no further explaination should be necessary. If they still invite you, attend if you want but offer no excuses to permit them to back-out from their invitation.

  You may consider JWs to be friends but WT indoctrination will have most beleive they have nothing incommon with you if you stop attending and are a risk to their faith if you develop views not in-line with the WT organization.

  As you found out, whatever expaination you provide will be used against you. Most JWs really don't want to know why you're not attending as any explaination you offer will never provide a valid reason. They usually demand an explaination or action as they like to pigeon hole everyone with a label: Publisher, Elder, Pioneer, Associate, Marked, Disfellowshipped, Apostate, Wordly, Demonized, etc.

  Of course, many witness love to gossip so any info you do provide will spread like wild fire along with whatever else they care to make-up about you or 'speculate' about why you've stopped attending.

  As you provided a written response to one person already, there is no telling how many others that text was shown to. Written texts, emails, notes and conversations with more than one person really need to be discontinued as written responses maybe collected and retained for use against you while conversations which canbe overheard may have additional witnesses to what was said, even if what was heard is out of context.
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  What Now?

  Thanks everyone for your replies!

  If someone asked me to come over for dinner, should I have said "well, we're inactive right now, is that still ok with you?". Should I send a letter or email or text to everyone, advising them of our situation?

  I hope you all caught my sarcasm there ;)

  I am really turned off by the way that our current situation is being handled. I tried being honest with a friend, revealed some personal feelings, and basically told her that we're having a difficult time and her decision is to immediately shun me? I would have expected a real friend to fight harder than that. She ackowledges that I'm a kind and generous person, and a good mom - aren't those some of the qualities that you would want in a friend? Apparently it's not enough.

  I'm also really irritated at this elders wife. She has contacted me only twice in the past year - once, to make some food for a party that she didn't even invite me to, and another time to get some information for another friends baby shower. And she feels justified to tell other people that I'm disassociating myself based on secondhand information from someone who is an emotional basketcase who blows absolutely everything out of proportion?

  I regret that our conversation was in text. But that is pretty much the only way that me and this sister ever communicated with each other.

  All of this only reinforces my decision to leave. We weren't emotionally ready for THIS yet ... I wish we had more of an established social network outside of the organization. But I can't imagine going back now.
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  Honesty

  What Now?,

  Welcome to the reality of JW love.

  I advise you to 'widen out' and find some new friends because every one of your JW 'friends' will eventually unfriend you on Facebook and everywhere else they are 'friends' with you.

  I lost every JW 'friend' I had when I DA'd except for one and she had been fading for years, although I didn't know about it because we were in different congregations.

  I have gained 10 times as many friends since leaving the JW's and every one of them is a true friend who have proved their friendship is genuine many times.

  Hang in there and remember that the JW's are captives who have given their minds over to a publishing company that has them convinced hawking books is spreading the gospel of Christ.
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  DATA-DOG

  I have come to believe that there a very few true friends in Dub-land, how could there be? No honesty means that secrets are kept, without trust, how can there be true friendship? I have met people through the internet since learning TTATT, people that I have never seen. Still, I can be honest and open with these real friends, without fear of being thrown away when I need help the most. Jw's don't have that. They must keep pace with the ever-changing cadence of the Organization. They must constantly decipher the " indistinct call " of the GB's trumpeting. If you can't hold on to the chariot, that's too bad. They will kick you to the curb.

  " I tried being honest with a friend, revealed some personal feelings, and basically told her that we're having a difficult time and her decision is to immediately shun me? "

  That's because the TTATT you have come to learn, is a place that she can't go. For her reality to remain, she must have THE truth. Therefore you must be wrong. To allow any other view would be to threaten her construct of reality. It's just too scary, so YOU must be the enemy.
• 

  Separation of Powers

  Hey WhatNow?

  I appreciated your sarcasm, myself, being a firm believer in sarcasm, thougt it witty and on point.

  The established social order in the organization is the only reason some stay in. I would venture to say most.

  To leave the organization is, for some, to leave the only social order they know. That is a devastating option for some, so they choose to remain. For the brave, however, there is a whole world of people out there that are innately sociable! Can you believe that!

  Aristotle stated that "man is, by nature, a social animal." I, for one, believe this to be true. There are plenty of people out there that agree with this concept. You simply have to reach out and socialize. No, you don't have to go to bars. You can get behind a cause, something that you firmly believe in; something upbuilding in its truest sence. Not in the "upbuilding" sense of the organization, which simply means, "be positive and encourage more effort." ("Don't worry...WORK." N.H. Knorr) When your heart is behind something that other hearts are behind, your connection with other people will be lasting and genuine.

  I know it's hard. Some, like me, are content to have had a limited social circle within the organization. So, leaving it, or abandoning it rather, was not so hard. Others struggle a little, mainly because they were told that they should extricate themselves from society. Well, now that you have extricated yourself from the Society, it's time to wedge yourself back into that crowded subway train and head on down the line.

  SOP
• 

  LongHairGal

  What Now?

  You cannot confide in JWs.

  Since the Jehovah's Witness religion is an all-or-nothing religion and getting more cult-like as time goes by, it is practically impossible for it not to be noticed if somebody stops going. The only exception is if a person has a spotty attendance record already.

  Your friend "unfriending" you on social media is an example of what will happen when somebody is tempted to spill their guts. Her saying YOU should "tell the truth and make it easy on everyone", is bad advice for you. It is not about THEM but what is good for you and your family.

  In my case, it is practically thirteen years and at this point, it should be obvious that I am "out". While I don't think I owe anybody an explanation why I am a "fader", people are always going to wonder why. I could not care less.

  If this is too sudden for you, maybe you can salvage the situation by not letting yourself be cornered by any of them. Screen phone calls and do not answer the door.
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  sleepingbeauty

  So what word is out. Now you are completely free to come & go as you please. You can branch out, meet up with other XJW's from your community because I'm telling you now there's gonna be a good few more of them out there than you realise..

  Thankfully me & my hubby have been able to befriend other xjw's through facebook too & that has been our saving grace. What country are you if you don't mind me asking... If your in the UK then theres a good number of us who are more than happy to cheer you on :)
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  DesirousOfChange

  No one had called us in disbelief, to hear firsthand what the story is, or to see if we need any help.

  I think that is because it is becoming so common, thus no one is in "disbelief" anymore when it happens to the next person. Frankly, I think MANY active JWs have serious doubts, but it's all they know and everything in their life is inter-connected with the religion. Leave the religion, and everything else goes away too.

  Doc