No Natural Affection...

by lostinnj83 22 Replies latest jw experiences

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  lostinnj83

  My latest encounter with my mom has me furious and I needed a place to vent:

  I don't post alot but for anyone who has read any of my posts knows that while I have been struggling for some time, I am still an active JW working towards leaving.

  Anyway, I got into a car accident yesterday. Fortunately I am well enough to type this up so for that I am greatful. The extent of my injuries seem to be some severe whiplash but even though it was a relatively minor accident, its still a traumatizing event at least it was for me.

  My first conversation with my mom she told me that hopefully I can use the couple days off that I have to build myself up spiritually. I asked her if she was planning to come to visit me?

  Her response was well when would we come visit? she said today is out of the question, you know we have the meeting tonight and your dad has to conduct the school and we know how you feel about us so we try to respect your privacy. I haven't expressed ANY negative feeling towards them but she was projecting that onto me.

  I am very upset that she has put a spin on this whole situation, she isn't coming to see me because she has meeting tonight and won't miss it, thats the bottom line. She said maybe we can come down tomorrow but you usually have alot going on, and that perhaps I thought they were going to miss the meeting to come to see me but they won't be doing that.

  As angry as I was, I said ok.

  She then goes on to say you will probably misinterpret that but you haven't allowed us to be their for you.

  Well excuse me if my car accidence conflicts with your meeting schedule! I'll try to plan around that next time!!

  They have no way of justifying their behavior so they have to spin it around and some how make it seem like you are the one with the problem.

  This response was from someone who spent 7 hours over at a bible study's home because she was having some difficulty. It really blows my mind!

  This is the type of treatment that I am receiving while I'm still physically in???

  How do they justify the lost of natural affection? I really am at loss on this one, this seems low even for JW's.
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  WingCommander

  In all fairness, this isn't just JW's. For instance, my Lutheran In-Laws. For 10+ years, OUR side of the family was just expected to rearrange our lives to attend their family functions (neices birthdays, etc) because of their church or girl scout activities. When it came time for OUR son's birthdays, we then had to rearrange OUR lives to suit THEIR schedules so that they could attend. No consideration was EVER made for our lives, and if we kept to our schedule, they simply wouldn't show up.

  We put up with that crap for 10 years. We got tired of their snide judgemental attitudes and hateful behaviour as well. (from the now grown-up, unappreciative, spoiled nieces) So, we told them where to head and where to shove it. I haven't seen them in almost 3 years. My wife can't even stand the sight of her own sister. They are manipulative assholes, and we are glad to be away from them. F'em. And my mother-in-law? Always takes my wife's sisters side on everything. WE are the black sheep. Did I mention we're now fed up with my wife's parents as well?

  I know it's hard when it's your own mother, but it not just limited to JW's. You gotta live your life for you, not other people.

  - Wing Commander
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  baltar447

  Yep. As I've pointed out before in one of my threads, dealing with someone in a cult is like dealing with a mentally ill person. They NEVER take any responsibility and are MASTERS at projection. They will turn everything around and make YOU the bad guy. Get used to it, it's not going to change unfortunately. Don't expect anything out of them and you won't be disappointed. Wish I could offer you something more upbeat, but that's how it is.
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  Separation of Powers

  I'm sorry you are experiencing the reality of the organization. I concur with the other post that stated that this isn't confined to just the organization. It is true that many have "no natural affection." But, in an organization that "markets" itself as the only "spiritual paradise on earth," affection for family and friends should be blatantly apparent.

  I cannot tell you how many times in my life and those of the people I love where the organization took precedent mainly for the sake of appearances.

  It is really a simple mathematical equation where we become "B" or "C." You already know what "A" is.

  A > B If C < BThen A > C

  SOP
• 

  LongHairGal

  lostinnj83:

  I would feel the same way you do. Their meeting is more important to them than their own flesh and blood.

  And you say: is this what I can expect and I'm still in?? The answer is "Yes". This is what you can expect. They will spend more time with strangers out in the "field" because they have to "impress them" and it will increase a JWs "perceived" status in the hall if they have a "study".

  The religion is about performance and following rules and how you are perceived by the other nobodies in the hall.

  wing commander:

  You are also correct that this inconsiderate behavior is not necessarily limited to JWs. From what you describe, I would say this behavior also shows itself whenever there is a "power struggle" as to who has more status in a relationship or family.

  In your case, certain family members feel you should cater to them and kiss their behinds. If I were in your shoes, I also would have told somebody off and I wouldn't care if we never spoke again. I will not have a relationship with anybody on those terms.
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  whathappened

  I am sorry this has added to your trauma. JW's are so robotic.
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  NVR2L8

  My old pioneer mom couldn't find time in her busy schedule to see my younger brother (not JW) who wanted to have her see his newborn grand son...You can't come on Tuesday because we have our meeting...I am out in service every morning...Thursday is grocery shopping day...His comment was that he is not about to start going out in service to be able to spend a little time with our mom...Then she complains he doesn't visit or even call her!
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  adamah

  Lostinjj, yeah, that's really lame. Some people just don't know how to be in loving relationships, and seemingly don't have the capacity to give or receive love. What they're really doing is often just as bad as those who work 80 hours a week; it allows them to adandon their families, but only done using a different cover and excuse, so scared of loving and being loved they'll join a cult that immunizes them from it's "dangers"..

  As you say, if they treat you like that NOW, then the silver lining is that being shunned will be nothing new, and arguably better, since it'll allow you to move on to find and experience 'other-than-dysfunctional' love and grow.

  I've written about shunning on my blog, and how clearly a new approach is needed, so you might take a look if you get a chance.

  Adam
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  FirstLastName

  My brother did not come to my wedding cause it was out of town and he would have missed the Sunday meeting. His "relationship with God was more important".

  Its very frustrating. I am sorry.
• 

  Lynnie

  Yes I have the same thing going on with my 83 Yr Old Uber Pioneer mother. (I've been df'd for over 35 years). She

  tells me that it's all my fault that I'm being shunned that she "had nothing to do with it" etc. even though I've pointed out

  that it's her organization and following along like an zombie. I swear she likes my nonJW

  husband so much better than me because he's not a witness. Oh and she doesn't care that I might be homeless

  in my old age since she's giving all her money to the WTBTS and tells me things like "well you aren't going to live

  very long anyway" (since Armaggedon is "right around the corner"). What mother would say that to their

  daughter? A JW that's who! Nice~