This topic resonates with me on a deeply personal level. I feel awkward socially, although I fake it well. Perhaps being a JW is to blame or perhaps just the family environment I was in. As I type this, and every other post I make, I'm terrified of rejection. Many of my comments are qualified with statements of "I hope this doesn't offend anyone" or "I hope this isn't off topic or out of line". Every interaction is governed with this obsessive concern. I see it clearly when reflecting on my 30+ years as a JW, I was so fearful of going against the grain. I worried about what I said, what I wore, what I thought, where I was seen, who I was seen speaking to, what I liked, what I believed. I've now been out for 5+ years and things have changed very little. Even though I now have freedom to be me, I find it difficult to not be overly concerned with what people may think of me, even complete strangers. This has definitely affected my ability to interact freely with others and to make new acquaintances wknd friends. When I do make a friend, I am fiercely loyal and protective of that relationship. As an example, I so admire people who can get up and sing karaoke, I so badly want to, but find myself paralyzed with fear, even though I've delivered over a 100 public talks and assembly and district convention parts. I've done it a few times but on those occasions I was very drunk and the liquid courage was abundant. Is this because of being a JW, I don't know, but I just can't stand it. I call it the "don't give a shit" gene and figure I just didn't get it. This only scrapes the surface of the social retardation I feel and deal with daily. The practice of hiding who you really are and how you really feel is so unhealthy. I'm proud to say that I go out of my way to teach my kids to embrace who they are and not to hide it. I encourage them to not say or do anything that they would be ashamed of. If they do, I encourage them to analyze why they are ashamed and to try to help them not be enslaved to the world if political correctness as I have been. Our communication is outstanding and I hope they can have a solid sense of self-worth throughout their lives. For me, I feel it may be too late, I an what I am.
Did being a JW affect you socially?
by Mahtaw 23 Replies latest jw friends
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Joliette
Yeeeeeeeees! I made friends luckily growing up, wouldnt say that I had a best friend, but I did have friends. At the age of 11, I went through this uppity phase, thought I was holier than thou. I even stopped talking to a lot of Witness girls at my hall cause they werent 'spiritual enough'. Whatever the hell that means. I really regret it, cause I didnt know I was under mind control. Missed out on getting to know people. Huge regret. But growing up, people did call me a weirdo, thats even people at the hall, them of all people. But I still made friends growing up, I was really lucky. But I still got lonely and I got nervous. And my family always made fun of me for being awkward and strange. Always.
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BluesBrother
Of course it does ......It is very hard to unlearn the prejudice and reticence that you have built up for strangers. Many, if not most of us have dificulty making friends and developing the art of conversation. That is why we are here on-line....as they said about the Hotel California " You can check out anytime you want, but you can never ever leave"
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LivingTheDream
Mahtaw,
How could growing up a JW NOT make you awkward in social situations. Let's see, here's how it went for me...
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Brock "Hi, I'm Brock. Nice to meet you!"
New Guy "Hey Brock. Wazzzup? Want one of my smokes?" [offers a smoke]
Brock "Uh. sorry, no. I don't smoke..."
New Guy "That's cool. Hey you wanna go talk to those chicks over there? Maybe we can score..."
Brock "Uh. sorry. I don't date outside my religion..."
New Guy [puzzled] "Who said anything about dating? Let's get laid man..."
Brock "Uh, can't. My religion doesn't allow for premarital sex ..."
New Guy "No problem. That's cool. Wanna come to my birthday party next week?"
Brock "uhhh, can't"
New Guy "Wanna go shoot my gun?"
Brock "uhhhh, well..."
New Guy "Hey, let's go watch that new cool movie together 'Explosions and breasts Incorporated' "
Brock "Well, rated R movies are sorta outta..."
New Guy "Christmas party? Join our after school varsity team? Visit a haunted house? Take a college class with me?"
Brock "no, no, no and no"
New Guy "Er, well. Whatever dude. Later"
Brock [timidly] "Bye"
** another potential friend lost **
Mahtaw - It's not your fault man. Give yourself a break.
Brock Talon
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Calebs Airplane
It took me 3 years to finally feel comfortable in social situations... so I can relate... hang in there... you'll be rid of that awkwardness before you know it...
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DATA-DOG
I don't know. Tell me what you think about this experience I had.
I met a real nice guy, he's a real audiophile, so we hit it off. I like quirky people so we chatted about about music and records, and who's cool an who's not. The normal stuff. I took a flyer for his website in case I wanted to buy some stuff. Then I see him him 2 weeks later and we chat some more, I start feeling a little weird. Then a month goes by, and I am back in the record store. "Hey, BLANK, what's up?", I say. He says, " How are you DD? I haven't seen you for a month."
So we chat some more and he says he tried to e-mail me... ok that's cool. Then I get a creeping feeling because he is worldly and I attract gay men like nobody's business. So just about the time I am shrugging off the weirdness, he says ," We should go out for a drink sometime." SILENCE....
" UH...yeah maybe some..day??" I still don't know if he is gay, or if he is just a "normal" guy. Do regular guys ask other guys out for beer? He could be totally nice, I mean he is..but what does he really want? He is worldly (tm). I am too scared of people to even take a chance on making a friend. I think if i was out of dubbie-ville I would hang out with him. Since I am fading, I feel that I must just forget about it. He may be one more friend that I never know... Did I aswer the question?
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Quendi
I never had trouble making friends inside and outside the congregation. Being a Witness actually taught me how to talk to people in ways that were open and friendly and that served me very well. By the time I was disfellowshipped, I had a wide network and circle of non-Witness friends and that proved to be my salvation. They fed, clothed and sheltered me when Witnesses shunned me. I would have been homeless otherwise and living on the streets.
When I pointed this out to the elders on my judicial committee, all they could do was give me angry and embarrassed looks. They understood full well what I was telling them and had no rebuttal. I congratulated myself on ignoring the WTS injunction against having “worldly” friends because my life would have taken a real turn for the worse without them.
Quendi
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LisaRose
I was socially awkward, but I don't think it had anything to do with the dubs. It was just because I was an introvert and was very shy. It has gotten better as I have gotten older, I learned a few tricks and got more confident, but it still doesn't come naturally, I have to work on it.
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exwhyzee
It's only to be expected that JW's are somewhat socially hobbled, especially born in's. As a JW, you are required to select your friends and marriage mate from whatever pool of JW's you happened to be associated with. You already know what everyone around you beleives or thinks about on almost every issue or topic. You know what they will or won't do in any given situation. You know what activities they have during most of the week. You know they don't have any political ideologies or aspirations or major educational goals. They are all taught that in order to be sheeplike and agreeable, they must defer to someone else. Basically you only have to find someone you click with personality wise and the rest takes care of itself in a way. You don't get a chance to develop any strong interpersonal skills for use when getting to know someone who isn't a carbon copy of yourself. On top of that you generally are well practiced at keeping your real thoughts and desires (if you even know what they are) in check and aren't comfortable letting others see them. As a JW, when you are around non JW's in an unavoidable social setting such as work or school, you have to keep a certain part of your life on the down-low much of the time. You can't openly admit, for instance, that most of your life's activities are based on the belief that the everyone around you is going to be destroyed by God soon because they (according to your beliefs) are part of Satan's world, no matter how good they may be.
It's tough to learn all the necessary social skills all at once when you find yourself outside the JW circle, rather than over a lifetime as most people in the world have a chance to do.
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Mahtaw
Jeremiah, I relate with everything you just said.