Hi Liveandlearn. In regards to fading that's something you can do before getting df'd in your case is already too late unfortunately. Fading is basically when you go gradually inactive stop attending service and meetings live your life (whether approved or not by WT standards) without raising alarm bells. I.e. if you are going out with someone you trying not to get caught in public, if you celebrate holidays you aren't going to put a big 9 foot high Xmas tree in your front yard etc. You keep your life on low key. There's people who manage to do this for a long time and that allows them to keep relationships open with the family. Seeing you were married and you wanted out and saw no other option, I am not sure that fading would have worked anyway. I also discourage you from getting back into it because of your family, you seem quite resolute and perhaps you have to experience it for yourself what we are trying to tell you, but if you really have to do it, I would suggest you do what someone else also mentioned to move as far as possible as you can and drive into the meetings. That way you can keep your life and start living the lie again. Mind you, you would always have to watch over your shoulder and if the elders know you moved, they might suggest you go to a local congregation and contact the elders (it damned happened to me at one stage lol) of that area so the move would have been for nothing or you might have to move again. Frankly is very stressful and I know it's family, my family shunned me for some years too but I stuck to my guns and always made appeal to their human and emotional intelligence in discussions and eventually they came around to accept and stop shunning me. Same goes for my other JW relatives and some of them are elders too. They always are of the thought probably that by showing me love I might change my mind ...but hey I let them dwell in their own thoughts :) Like finally awake said: your family are adults and they are responsible for their own emotions and choices, you cannot force them to be or do or feel. The best you can do is go on living your life successfully, that, believe me I speak from experience, is more working than any fake going back or argument you can have. Good luck :)
Looking for advice
by Liveandlearn 41 Replies latest jw friends
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rebel8
why should I be punished when they can get on doing the same without recompense? You shouldn't be punished at all. You're not a child. If Jehovah wants to punish you, then it's His business to do so. As you noted, it's pointless to have these "imperfect judges" making these decisions because they a) aren't aware of all the sins/sinners (makes you wonder how that could be if they're led by Jehovah, and b) they are not fair.
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LisaRose
If you get reinstated and the elders don't find out about your live in, won't your parents figure it out when you start talking to them? I had the same problem, a bad marriage. I left my husband, but I didn't want to hide and pretend, so I sacrificed my relationship with my mom. Sometimes you just have to make choices in life, at 45 I felt I deserved some measure of happiness, and I was willing to accept the consequences.
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patient
Get out stay out ... dont look back enjoy your life with your new partner ... dont drag them into this disgusting organisation! Your parents and family will wise up in time ... mine did ... you asked for advice .... all the best my friend
nigel
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JWdaughter
This has been done before. It will take time, but you can do it. You fade away a bit, marry your partner (if you actually want to marry, mind you) announce it, it will be a setback perhaps for reinstatement process but you can eventually be reinstated if you suck up enough. Then, back in good graces, you buck up for a year or so, make a good show. . .then move to another congregation and fade away without getting kicked out. Keep contact with the folks, keep involved with the family. Don't push the envelope at least until the parents have passed,then decide how much you actually want to keep faking it. That's my suggestion. DON'T let your spouse get caught up in the religion unless you want an entire life of conflict and angst.
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ABibleStudent
Welcome Liveandlearn, Are you feeling guilty because of the WTBTS indoctrinated phobias, or do you miss contact with your parents?
You write that you are a salesman, so is there any way you can use your skills in a face-to-face meeting with your parents to show them that the WTBTS will not help them as they get older, but that you want to help them and have a non-religious relationship with them. Who else will help your parents as they get older?
I understand loving your parents and want to help them as they get older, but I do not understand why you must sacrifice your life and ambitions.
How much research have you done about the WTBTs and overcoming the WTBTS's BITE control techniques? Have you read any of Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest Book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visited his website www.freedomofmind.com, or watched his videos on his website? Have you visited websites like www.jwfacts.com, www.freeminds2.org, www.jwsurvey.org, and www.watchtowerdocuments.com, etc?
Instead of trying to get reinstated, why not make plans to help your family to critically think for themselves? I know that helping your JW family to critically think for themselves will be an uphill and frustrating experience for you, but at least you will be living your life instead of making sacrifices to appease your JW family.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
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Liveandlearn
Thanks for all your comments. The guilt isn't about the society. As I say, I'm happy to believe what I believe. Whether they're right or wrong is of no consequencen. The guilt is the hurt I've caused everyone I've known over the last decade in particular my parents. A f2f is impossible, they won't entertain even a phone call. They've made it clear. Good for them for sticking to their morals. I admire that and maybe if I had their faith I wouldn't be in this situation. Nor could I destroy their faith for my own selfish means. If they're happy believing what they believe then at least they have some happiness despite my disappointments. Ignorance is bliss in some situations and I'm happy to play long one last time Jwdughter your warning hasn't gone unnoticed. Thank you Patient my parents are far too involved. They've thrown themselves into it even further as their reliance and distraction I would say Lisa I was wondering about this perhaps I could move out and be reinstated. Is someone with a worldly partner ever going to be reinstated though? I wouldnt think so Thanks for all the love and wishes. Says alot when people who say they're a friend won't even help out when they're needed. They're quick to judge and not open to listen
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Liveandlearn
I've just read the disfellowshipped talk at the assembly. It's bribery. NO mention was made of returning for god but that they want to be part of the family. so I don't feel guilty about my plan now. They use shunning ast a way to up their member count and they fully know people come back because if it. at least the average hrs in the cong will go down when I'm back
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laverite
Liveandlearn,
If you feel you need back "in" due to being held hostage by the Organization, do not feel one bit guilty about that. Not one bit. It's terrible you are being shunned, and (in my opinion) the Org has MUCH to answer for. You know how they are with their theocratic warfare strategies. Use some of your own and don't feel guilty about it. The WTS wouldn't feel one bit shamed by using their dishonest 'theocratic warfare'...
I really hope things go in the direction you want them to go. You deserve it after what you've been through!
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laverite
Outlaw - LOL. I haven't ever worn panties but the expression "Put on your big girl panties" makes me giggle every time.