I am the husband of an ex-JW. She left when she was 18, because she was dating a non-JW. They got married, and he began openly cheating on her. After several years of forgiving him, she finally divorced. No kids thankfully. Several years later, we met and eventually married. We have made a family together.
To further complicate the story, she was sexually abused by a JW when she was a young teenager. When she came forward, she was “reproved” for adultery. Fortunately, the abuser was DF’ed. However, her father is a non-believer, and her Mom has kept it secret from him to this day.
Over the years, she reached a truce with her family. We were not close, but they would visit once a year. I actually liked them.
It hit the proverbial fan at her uncle’s funeral. Her uncle and his family were JW. Her cousin is an elder. My wife wanted to support her father. I asked whether there would be any JW issues. Her Mom and brother (still JW) gave assurances that there would not be.
All went well at first. My wife spent her time helping her mother prepare the pamphlet for her JW uncle’s memorial service. I spent some time with her brother. Good guy actually. We even spent time with her uncle’s family. I offered my condolences, and my kids seemed to get along well with his grandkids.
Then the JW laid down the law. As we were preparing to get in the car to go to the memorial service, her brother stands before us with Bible in hand. He asked me if I knew a certain scripture (probably 1 Cor 5), and I responded “Not memorized.” As he began flipping through the Bible, I looked at him directly and asked “Let’s get to the point. What are you about to spring on us?”
He began shaking like a leaf. I mean really physically shaking. I have never seen anything like it before. He was obviously distraught. He responds that “I just want you to understand.” My response was something like “I grew up a Southern Baptist. I am used to watching people go over the cliff doing dumb stuff.” My wife (his sister) hugged him and held him for a while. She told him that it was all OK.
The punch-line was that we could go to the memorial service, but that my wife was shunned from the wake. After the memorial service, we met up with one of her non-JW cousins who skipped the wake and had dinner by the beach. It was actually a nice evening.
By the time we got back, I had been stewing for a while. I erupted. I walked in and ripped into her brother. “I have stayed out of this Witness nonsense for 12 years, but I’ll be damned if I am going to let anyone disrespect my wife. She came here to pay her respects to the family and support her father. How dare you throw her under the bus? I am done with this BS. This nonsense needs to end now.”
I must have been pretty mad, because I remember the frightened look in his eyes.
Later he came out and offered to shake my hand. I looked at him and said “I am sorry. I don’t have it in me. I cannot shake hands with someone who will do that to my wife.”
Needless to say, her family has since avoided us like the plague. We have corresponded and gotten the usual JW lines. Her Mom even came close to saying that the sexual abuse was my wife’s fault. She is all twisted and contorted inside.
Of course, I came to a revelation. As I began studying the scripture they cited for shunning family, I discovered that the scripture does not support their actions. I have attempted to engage them in a meaningful discourse on that scripture, but they have avoided the subject.
In hindsight, I regret getting angry. Of course, it is an impossible position as a husband. If I defend my wife, I will drive a wedge between her and her family. If I maintain the peace, I have to let JW walk all over her. That is not something I can support. She has been a loyal wife, a dedicated Mom, and an exemplary Christian. She deserves better.
My wife thinks that I am wasting my time trying to talk to them. As she says, "You underestimate the power of their conviction. You cannot reason with them."
Maybe she is right, but I hold out hope that her brother will realize that this is non-sense. Am I wasting my time?