Accepting my own mortality, and the naturalness of death - the final step in my JW recovery.

by fresh prince of ohio 61 Replies latest jw friends

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    I always had a great fear of death without understanding why. Yet I feel uncomfortable addressing it. Thanks for your OP. Perhaps the WT upbringing has something to do with it. My gm focused on the worms in your body in the grave. And the bugs. My mom, however, also a born-in, had no great fear of death. The family business was a series of funeral homes. She played in the equipment, including open caskets. The very idea repulses me.

    As I get older and my mom was in a nursing home before death, I fear the pain of before death. This makes sense combined with my years in agonizing facial pain.

    The idea of not being conscious bothers me. This may be one reason why I chose not to kill myself during the pain which was not rational. There was no hope. I was merely stubborn. Sometimes suicide is rational. I also fear loneliness when dead.

    I discussed this with friends and family. Not once did I think of the Witnesses. I must confess I never once, not even for a second, believed I would survive the big A. My identiifcation was with the panic stircken faces in the WT illustration who face thunderbolts, earthquakes, floods, the total wrath of Jehovah all at one time. Even as a child, I could feel myself falling into the earthquake crevices. The illustrations in the orange Paradise Lost book were most vivid. Heck, if I were born in a different time period, I would be presented to the cow or ox god/goddess as an offering. My infant self burned to death.

    Christ's love was not present. I wonder if former Witnesses do have more problems dealing with the inevitably of death. One good thing appears. Now I believe that the big A is symbolic and not likely to arrive (I wrote yesterday of Pagels new book and the fact that John's prophecy about Rome completely failed) my death will likely be less dramatic and violent. We value life because it is fleeting. Eternal life on earth under the WT theocracy means eternal bondage and boredom.

  • Comatose
    Comatose

    Really great topic here. So glad I read it. I finally was free of my guilt and doubt and anguish when I accepted my mortality and what it all means. For me it was a few simple thoughts.

    1. Everyone who has ever lived in the entire history of man has died. Regardless of even JW belief, every person has died, even Jesus. I am not more special than every person in history. I am human like all others before me and I will die.

    2. What makes life beautiful is truly living it. I actually had more peace when I accepted death as being inevitable And started LIVING NOW. Today could be my last day. So I will take care of my daily responsibilities and boring normal routines, but every day I'll do something for me. I'll read, I'll go for a walk to see the sunset or enjoy the stars, I'll do something to make my kid smile, whatever it is I'll make sure every day could have been an okay last day. Sounds funny but I feel real peace with this.

    The true harm and unfair burden of being religious and especially a JW is that you don't get to live the only life you will have. You are encouraged and lauded if you have a bad life and sacrifice happiness now. You are told to give up happiness now and wait for "forever". So sad. It's part of why I don't think I should ever wake my parents up. They are older one and not the type of people who are able to see and accept this reality we now accept. All they have is the hope that their future will bring them all that they sacrificed.

    Hang in there Ohio. Best wishes. Thanks for a great topic.

  • Ucantnome
    Ucantnome

    i had much more fear of death as a witness.

  • HBH
    HBH

    Fresh Prince,

    I remember you from the 2100 thread. An uncertain future is not an excuse to "check out". Are you married? You can PM me if you like. But I'm not a theropist. As far as your belifs, it's good to continue your journey to recovery.

    While it is true, the (econimc) system demands eternal growth, and we live on a finite planet. But this could go on for a while. Check out Dimitry Orlov. He recomends we invest in each other. As in who do you know that will help you even if you don't give them any money, and vice versa. Another example is Joel Salatin, an incredable examle of positive action, with the whole system against him.

    Just some thoughts,

    Be well, try to think positive and hang tough.

    HBH

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    Apognophos, I certainly hope that a collapse of the US economy, such as what some, not even necessarily hysterical, voices are insisting is imminent. *sigh*, doesn't result in widespread starvation. It just frightens me to...well...death!

    Gypsy, I checked out Hitchens book on Amazon and I still think it might be just a little bit TOO brutal for me to endure right now. A blow-by-blow account of what it's like to die from cancer written by perhaps the most brutal essayist the world has known...I guess at one point he does a (again) brutal take-down that cherished inspirational Nietzsche aphorism 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger'.

    Pterist, yes, the PROCESS is what makes it so frightening. Think of all the horrific ways that it could happen! *shudders*

    Band, I too was one of the (probably in the majority) of witnesses that felt that I wouldn't make it through the big A because of not having done enough to be pleasing and having secret sins and vices.

    Comatose, thanks for the kind words. The past two months have been the most difficult ones of emotionally of my entire life, by far (see my breakup guilt thread for the source of my extreme angst).

    Ucantnome, it may have been a function of my age (i was in my 20s during most of my time with the JWs) but I didn't really fear or hardly think about dying. The big A was too close.

    HBH, i may check out those people you mentioned. If I don't 'check out' first that is. Don't worry, i'm not in the active planning stages of doing anything. It's just something that I THINK about a lot. Because I think a lot. I think too damn much. And I do see a therapist.

    So they're playing that Geico commercial on TV with that melancholy Allman Brothers song (Midnight Rider). I don't oowwwwwwwnnnn the clothes i'm wearin', and the roooooooadddddd goes on forever...just kinda choked me up a little, not sure why.

  • Bruja-del-Sol
    Bruja-del-Sol

    Nice thread... I've been DF'd eleven years ago and at first I still thought as a JW like 'justice has been done, I was wrong according to their rules' (my sin was adultery). So I was a little scared about Armageddon coming soon, knowing I wouldn't get through it, be destroyed etc. But I felt the urge to get out of the life I had, a marriage that was 'so so' (we were more like brother and sister instead of lovers, and my ex-hb was very dominant and acting like an elder brother, telling me what I could and couldn't do) and a religion that suffocated me... so I took my chances when some internet fling came along.

    After a year and reading a lot on the internet it suddenly hit me hard: I am going to DIE! I'm not about to be destroyed in Armageddon, I'm just going to die like anybody else...

    It took me weeks to recover! I was born in the cult and 33 when I got out. I always believed that I was going to live forever and that I would NEVER have to die. After I left I believed I would be destroyed. Of course when you use your senses that's the same as dying, but in my mind it was different. 'Being destroyed' would have been an action taken by 'Jehovah or Jesus'... but dying... that would be something that 'just happens', when my time comes...

    After that realisation I've started reading a lot, about NDE, the afterlife, ghosts etc. (also something I was really frightened of were 'demons', so that was part of the reason why I had the need to learn more about ghosts) and now I've found my way in what I believe and what I don't and I'm no longer afraid of death (nor demons).

    This thread just triggered the memory of that moment when I got 'hit with the news' that I would die too... and that's why I decided to register and tell you guys ;)

    Greetz from sunny Spain.

  • cofty
    cofty

    Welcome to JWN Bruja-del-Sol

  • doofdaddy
    doofdaddy

    Welcome Bruja-del-Sol. Greetings from sunny Australia.

    Death, inevitable but not something I look forward too! If I get a terminal illness I will plan my exit. Euthanasia should be a legal option for all.

  • cantleave
    cantleave

    Once you accept death as inevetiable you can really start living. We are in this conscious state now, nothing else is guaranteed. Live life to the full and enjoy it!

  • Bruja-del-Sol
    Bruja-del-Sol

    Thanks for the welcome cofty and doofdaddy. And I totally agree with you cantleave. That's why my hubby and I live in Spain now (we're originally from the Netherlands), a dream come true after years of 'if only' and dreaming about it... We're living our dream right now!

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