It does really suck that when someone leaves this evil religion that people/family don't even seem to care or want to know why. They move on as if nothing if nothing is wrong except the person that left and thats it. My kids don't ever asked why and my wife doesn't say anything and of course the so called loving friends that loved you so much when you were there don't come by either. Its just bizarre.
Getting Stuck on the Idea of Closure
by OnTheWayOut 40 Replies latest jw friends
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Hortensia
I don't think you can really get closure when you're still living in the situation -- wife a JW and you not a JW. I guess you learn to cope with it but that's not the same as closure.
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OnTheWayOut
I will answer page 1, then move on to page 2 soon.
LisaRose, great thoughts on "old wounds." I guess I get opposite reactions from people who understand and people who don't understand. I will try to remember that "they don't understand."
Adiva, very true that the hurt doesn't last as long as it used to. I have had to just let it go with some JW family. The best neutral ground is with my in-law family. They just don't say a word about our differences. Not a word. They just pretend all is fine, no questions whatsoever. I think they are afraid to ask.
Adamah, all true. Even the experts get that, yet they have the marketers mixing in to insist that we all can fix our feelings of loss in our ongoing lives. And sometimes the experts can get to thinking that they can get to the crux of the matter and "fix" it. I think we aren't necessarily "broken." It's just ongoing life that we experience and carrying some baggage is part of it.
Gayle, I suppose yours is the direct way to say what I just said to Adamah above. Thanks for that.
The Searcher, thanks for commenting. I am not in the mood to address scriptural application, but comment on.
Caleb's Airplane, I have learned to just lightly comment on the 400 lb. gorilla in the room. Yeah, the comments are often ignored, so your thoughts apply.
Mandette, yours is a totally moving comment. I will think about you all day. I truly appreciate your thoughts. Many of us, like yourself, can find some peace in their own life to put that stuff behind us, but we care for others that are still in the thick of the lies.
Obliette, you are getting it. I think that people's expectations are coming from marketing application of "acceptance." They are trying to teach us that we will reach "total closure" if we just read the right book or watch Dr. Phil on television or find the right mix of marketable solutions. I have not been immune to that and I got around to realizing how that is flawed thinking. Then I thought maybe others would benefit from the thoughts.
Clarity, anyone who wants to keep contact if I fade from JWN can PM me their facebook contact or their email address and I will return the same. My greatest friends are ex-JW's and I intend to always keep contact with them.
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Mandette
OTWO, How sweet of you! You did make me feel like I'm not the only one who has "issues" years later. I've had people say "get over it". But it's just not that simple. It always manages to rear it's ugly head. The damage done is extensive and so unnecessary.
Yes, you're definitely not alone and neither am I.
Thank you again. ((Hugs))
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jgnat
How about acceptance meaning coming to terms how your history has shaped you in to who you are, both good and bad?
I relate the JW experience to the complicated relationship I have with my mom. Acceptance comes with acknowledging that she will not change. When I grieved over that loss, I calmed down considerably. I did not feel like she had a stranglehold over my emotions any more. I now deal with her on my terms.
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Phizzy
" I now deal with her on my terms. " You are now in control, dear jgnat.
We must make sure we have that kind of relationship with the JW's, whether family or not.
We can then at least be in control, which we were not when in the religion, which is what caused us so much harm and angst.
I do not think complete closure is possible, whether talking of losing loved ones in death, or talking of our JW experience.
Both are a part of our life experience, and for many of us a big part of who we are now, and cannot be completely expunged. The pain lessens as time goes by, but we never forget.
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designs
It hurts and baffles the mind to see family still in.
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flipper
OTWO- Hey buddy - fantastic thread . Excellent discussion. I have had these same thoughts over the years here when I read various posters say " move on and get over it ". It's simply not that easy. Yet think about it- who says a person has to " get over it " in the first place ? Where is that written in the great " wise " books of the world ? LOL ! I have seen the OPPOSITE be true that some ex-JW's refuse to talk or discuss ANYTHING about their JW experience and it causes them to get all bottled up and messed up emotionally inside because they want to be in denial of the fact that they were mind controlled at one time and had any learning experiences or negative effect from the JW cult at all. Some of these people I've talked to are more messed up than some of us who try to heal by talking about it. LOL ! ( Not saying that we're messed up - we actually are quite sane but you get my point. Denial isn't just a river. )
There is a lot of sanity and healing in my opinion that comes from hanging out here on the board and not only receiving support for ourselves but giving support in return . It's kind of like giving back in a way to ease the pain that we and others suffered in injustices within the JW organization and just voluntarily giving of our time to assist other exiting JW's to have a soft landing place once they escape the cult. Many of us and them have no support group and this is the only place they will get a listening ear. It's so important in my opinion that lives depend on it as the suicide rate might be much more possible for one who falls out of grace with the WT organization with nowhere else to go.
I look at my life as having a sort of " closure " on having BEEN a Witness, but I'll always hold out hope that my JW daughters or other relatives will someday possibly exit towards freedom. As long as there's life- there's hope - true ? Being a JW was part of my past- so I choose to use that proactively in opening people's eyes to the deception of the WT Society whether I'm talking to non-Witnesses or JW's who don't know me. I actually find it healing within me to assist others as it seems to re-confirm the decision I made 10 years ago to walk away from the Witnesses the more I try assisting people to see the injustices of the WT Society. It keeps solidifying the desicion I made.
Anyway- that's kind of my take on it. I feel it's perfectly healthy to talk, consider, and reflect on how far we've come in a positive way after exiting this mind control cult. It doesn't mean we are not over it- in fact it probably means we are realizing how DRASTIC an effect the JW's had on us and to give ourselves a pat on the back from time to time to see how we've progressed to freedom of mind. My 2 cents. Peace out bud, Mr. Flipper
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life is to short
Great thread, I also have a hard time JUST MOVING on. I know some ex JW just seem to let it all go and move on with their lives and will tell me come on its been 5 years now why do you still go to JWN. Yet when I look back at their time here on the board they were on for 5 or 6 years themselves.
Also they do not still have a family memeber in as I do with my husband. Also they did not deal with pedophiles and as I did in the hall. They did not or were never as invovled in the religion as I was. Not that I am bragging in the least, I feel stupid now for being so dumb but these people that tell me to just move on and get over it, they lived a normal life. They had kids, bought homes, had good jobs while they were JW's. I stupidly listened to the faithfull salve and did not have any kids though I would have loved to have had one or two I gave up that dream because the new system was so close that I was going to have kids in the new world so I pioneered as I was told to do. I know that was stupid now but at the time I totally bought into the kool aid and I cannot change that now. So when I see these people with their kids and now grandkids, I just feel this hurt in my gut for what I gave up.
I pioneered and lived on nothing, there were no movies or dinners out, or date nights with my husband, it was waiting in the car for hours while he was in elders meetings, our second year anniversary was spent waiting in the car until 2:00 in the morning while he was in an elders meeting. After that I gave up even trying to have a anniversary with him. Even than it hurt watching the so called normal ones in the hall have time with their husbands but I was told and I believed it so much, that it was what Jehovah wanted from me. I know, I know looking back I was so stupid, I was throwing my life away and I was too blind to see it.
I went to Bethel and took a vow of proverty, and even with all the problems there were at Bethel it was sooooo much better then pioneering that I truly thought Jehovah gave me the chance to go to Bethel as I was so close to suicide pioneering I truly believed that Jehovah gave me an out by letting me come to Bethel. I actually had time with my husband for the very first time in our four year marriage as crazy as the Bethel schedule was it was amazing how much easier it was than pioneering.
Looking back I now see I was totally missed up mentally, there were times I put myself in such danger all because of the religion, by going on calls that were so scarry or being told by the "Brothers" I hate using that turm brothers, but anywho I was told to go to parts of Brooklyn alone as a women without my husband even, places that they would never send their wives but I did it and went alone, places that are truly scarry to be in. I went, I did it, my husband let me because those above us demaned it of us.
I look back at my life, you see I did not wake up until I was 45 years old, I think how could I have been so stupid, but I was, I so bought into the kool aid. I grive now for the children I wish I had, the jobs I gave up, the homes I never had, the money I would have now, years with a husband who would truly be there for me not putting the religion first, the many, many, many nights I sat alone in the car while he was in elders meetings.
When these people tell me to just move on and get over it and I see their lives now and how they did not let the religion in like I did I know they mean well for me but I have so much more to grive over than they do. I know it was all my fault but it does not make the pain any less.
Also when you feel you have to just move on and let it go, it is so easy to go into something else that is destructive when you are coming out if you are not careful. I joined a group of people who I thought and was told that they were going through problems like mine. I thought I found a group of friends that understood me finally untill just a couple of months ago when one of the main ones in the group tried to take my business from me telling me I did not know how to run it right even through I have had my business for over 10 years now and have been running it just fine. She is my best friend in the whole world she informed me and she knows what is good for me, as I am too damaged to because of my past? I was like WHAT! I have been so mad at that and again I have been how could I have been so stupid to allow this to happen yet again. I just did not see it coming and it totally blindsided me because I wanted to move on so badly from the JW's. I now know you have to be so very careful.
I do not know if I will ever get over this. I truly wish I would and could, but JWN gives me a place to come and I am so thankful to Simon for all he has done by having this sight for us. Your thread OTWO is so spot on thank you.
LITS
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exwhyzee
It's difficult for many to reach an actual closure while being shunned or have family members still in the organization, because it's death by a thousand cuts they are dealing with here.