Getting Stuck on the Idea of Closure (page 4)

OnTheWayOut

Crazyguy, that is so true. I lost JW friends. They never asked if there was something wrong they could help with. JW family have a good idea what's wrong so they assume the problem is mine.

Hortensia, exactly. Thanks for sharing.

Mandette, we are in good company with each other and others here.

Jgnat, very great thoughts on what closure actually means.

And Phizzy, nice additional thoughts on what Jgnat said.

Designs, that is so true. A huge part of why I am here still is that people here get that.

I will post more replies a bit later. I don't want to lose these words on my smartphone. I also got a PM from someone appreciating the thread. If I made a small difference for one person, that is awesome.

sammielee24

I think one of the hardest things to do in life is get past self identifiers throughout life. Things we align ourselves with in some way and that when destroyed or removed by choice or circumstance, causes us to react in many different ways. Humans are complex and no book or opinion is the right book or right opinion that will work for all people. It can be hard not to let ourselves be defined by others in the same way it is hard for us not to define ourselves by a paramter that we had in place.

A friend of mine is going through chemo at this moment and is losing her hair. Every day when she showers, there are clumps going down the drain. She has tried to be proactive - bought wigs ahead of time and kept cutting her long hair shorter and shorter and shorter - but nontheless, she is depressed because her hair was a marker, an identifier, for who she saw in the mirror. We all know she is much more than her hair - but the physical part of her is a part she has identified with all her life. We can think of self esteem in the same way - a person who is conditioned to identify with being ugly, or stupid, or worthelss - can take a lifetime to move past because although they can have great success in the material aspects of life, they often revert mentally or emotionally back to those identifiers that are so difficult to break.

I know a few people, but one in particular who left the JW's in his mid 20's. Just faded. He removed himself from all of his JW family for years and then resurfaced and appeared to have 'it' all. He divorced his JW young wife and moved on to another woman, a non JW, all the while proclaiming that he had moved on from the JW's. He became a very successful businessman. Ten years later he divorced for the 2nd time and when we were talking about it - he admitted that his wife had started studying astrology and horoscopes and such and he couldn't handle it. HIs core beliefs of the JW's that he thought he had got rid of, were in fact still driving some points of his life and while he had appeared to move on, had accepted his family would never leave, had moved past some of the conditions of having been a JW - he had no in fact ever really been able to 'leave' and so in some ways was never and has never been able to disconnect entirely from being a born in JW to someone without that religious identity. He may never be able to fully move on but may successfully live with a basic acceptance of who he is now - past who he was then - and that might be good enough for him to life with.

Everyone has their own journey - anger or resentment can be motivational or destructive - acceptance might bring peace. All in all negative energy brings negative energy back and so if trying too hard to move on brings too much stress or hate or negativity into your life - it may be better to accept and acknowledge your past and your path as unique to you - it's okay and right when it's right - when and if you reach the point you want to move further along the path, just strive for your own sense of peace and the good the world has to offer, will be brought back to you tenfold. sammieswife

OnTheWayOut

Flipper, my sister-in-law was one who bottled it up and seemed worse for it. Because she didn't deal with it, she went back after about 18 years out. I like your thought on closure from having been a Witness.

LITS, good points you make. It's not only who still has loved ones in. Many factors might make us hold on tighter, such as deeper personal involvement. And it is not your fault. You were doing all that you could for "Jehovah." We don't ever wish bad upon others but you are probably out because of the pedophile issue and the botched handling.

Exwhyzee, a death that keeps on giving it's pain. Yes.

Great thoughts, sammielee. I hope to help a little as others have helped me on that journey.

erbie

Can be very difficult to move on but that's why we all come together here bro.

Here, we are all equals and we help each other out.

Even if it means just having a laugh and a joke

OnTheWayOut

erbie, thanks. Often a laugh or a joke makes my day.

zed is dead

OTWO,

I feel your pain. From knowing you, I think that you would be able to gain closure from the past if circumstances were different. The problem is that you are not truly removed from the abusive religion if you still have immediate family that is still in. You can get close, but then something happens that throws the religion back in your face.

I call these moments "zingers." They suck you right back into the emotions that you have otherwise dealt with. It is like you have buried the dead cat, but your family keeps pulling it up by the tail. Situations like that cause you to have to do another mini-grieving, where you do a little bit of work on each stage of the grieving process to get back to your zen state.

zed

LongHairGal

I just recently spoke with another ex-JW who still has anger like it happened yesterday.

I told him there will never be real closure or justice because certain "guilty" parties in the religion have passed away. The people who wronged him so many years ago are gone.

At this point, it is like being angry at a phantom. Identifying this issue helped me to understand why I had a lingering anger that was pointless for me to dwell on.

I won't speak for others who are still in the religion and battling current issues but for those of us who are out for a long time, we have to put it behind us and move on. The "closure" will have to be in our own heads.

Heartofaboy

Hi OTWO................you were here when I joined JWN & to me you are one of the pillars of reason on this forum.

Hoab

OnTheWayOut

Zed is Dead, good point. Going through stages of loss over and over again with "Zingers."

LongHairGal, understanding is always good. Better than nothing. Thanks for the thoughts.

Heartofaboy, "pillars of reason." That could stir up this thread in a whole new direction. Still, I like it. Thanks.

Pistoff

OTWO, I am really glad you are 'still' here. Love your posts, your take on things.

I am in a similar position; I woke up 11 years ago, found this place. My wife still attends, though I can see that it is really a struggle for her. She has friends there, and most importantly, family that is true blue. She is between a rock and a hard place.

I think it helps a great deal, to be able to come here and read, vent, jump in, object, argue, concur, whatever.

What really helped me to get, maybe not closure but perspective, on my JW life was to research the historical Jesus, the origins of belief, the history of christian (messianic) belief and the recent history of end times religion.

It was comforting to me to see the development of all of the above, that they fit patterns of thinking and human behavior, and are not the result of any supernatural direction.

Getting Stuck on the Idea of Closure

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