Be honest. Am I an abusive Father??

by DATA-DOG 64 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  DATA-DOG

  I was angry with my kid for questioning me. I do everything for them. I work, I pay the bills, I provide food, clothing and shelter for them. Instead of respect, I get attitude. When my kid was really young, it was always, " Why?, Why? Why?" My word was good enough. Sometimes my words were, " Because I said so, that's why."

  Now that my child is growing, the phrase," because I said so", is not good enough anymore. Children want more and more "reasons." So when my authority was questioned repeatedly today and my actions were questioned and my faults were brought up. I just told it like it is. After all, I am the head of the house. I provide everything my child needs and has. Sure there were some hurt feelings, but I have to lay down the law sometimes. Here is what I said, you be the judge.

  " Hey, [ blank ]. When you start thinking that you have a valid complaint, just remember this, YOU are a speck of dirt. Who are you to complain about ANYTHING! What do you have to be proud of? Go stand in the corner, and think about that for awhile!"

  DD
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  LoisLane looking for Superman

  Hey Data - Dog... Are you OK??? That does not sound like the regular Data - Dog.

  Yeah... What you said was abusive.

  What's up?

  LoisLane
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  cognac

  I'd say that's abusive. It could be worse, and we do say things out of anger sometimes. But, it was an abusive thing to say.

  I would definately apologize.

  Kids ask why because there brains and still growing and developing. I believe its common because that is how they figure things out when they don't have as much life experience as adults do.

  They just don't understand so it's easy for us to lose patience. But, it's still wrong and you should, imo, apologize.
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  finally awake

  I get the frustration, I've been known to use the line "because I said so, and you don't need another reason" on my kids. However, the speck of dirt thing is a bit too much in my opinion. Your kid, no matter how irritating, is a valuable human being even if he hasn't accomplished much yet.
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  Bob_NC

  This is just Bob's from NC one man opinion.

  Children learn and develop an inner truth about themselves from their parents, from what their parents say and don't say. Words are powerful. Do you want to your child to believe about itself "YOU are a speck of dirt. Who are you to complain about ANYTHING! What do you have to be proud of?" Or more importantly, do you want your child to believe that YOU believe that about them?

  How about something like this when questioned why why why. "One day before you know it, you will be making your own choices about everything. When that time comes I am sure you will make good choices. But right now you still need to learn a few things. And besides that, I work and provide everything that you have. So that gives me some say in what you do for now. That is why." No degrading remarks, no tearing down. And don't be mad when you say. That's just how it is...for now.
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  LisaRose

  Well, I don't know that I would use those particular words, but it doesn't seem like child abuse to me. It's hard raising kids, especially when they become teens. I think you owe your kids a *certain* amount of respect, but works both ways, actually they do owe you more respect as you are the father. My husband raised his son on his own until we married. At 16 his son and he were butting heads and they both are as stubborn as mules, so it got pretty heated. He thought his dad owed him an apology for something. I took him aside and said, look, your dad is not perfect, but he loves you very much. You owe him respect because he is your father, it is NOT an equal relationship, that is just how it is. He is responsible for you, financially, legally and in every other way, so cool your jets and you will be an adult in a few years and can do what you want, until then, nope, sorry.

  He joined the marines at 18 and turned out very well. They knocked any remaining attitude right out of him, they are good that He got out in eight years, with his degree, fantastic job, he is a really upstanding young man. He and his dad have a great relationship.

  It gets easier.
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  cognac

  I want to add that I know it's hard for a parent to not feel they are getting the respect they deserbe when they have made countless sacrifices for their children.

  I think that it's really a great and humble thing for you to get outside opinions for clarity in the situation. Not the easiest thing to be a parent and just the fact that you came here shows you care and are probably normally a really wonderful, loving parent.

  Imo, you made a mistake. We all do. I wish you the best.
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  ShirleyW

  I think the speck of dirt comment was a bit much, as far as the stand in corner bit, I don't know your kids exact age, but if they're teenagers, that's a bit demeaning and if a teen does stand in a corner they're probably saying you've totally lost it and/or cursing you out while they're standing there.

  I can understand how parents get tired of kids being accustomed to getting everything and not be appreciative. But none of us here on the board know how long you've put up with that kind behavior and yes, it is your house and they're you're kids so you do have the right to discipline them as you see fit.
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  LoisLane looking for Superman

  I would definitely go into my precious child's room, knocking on the door first for permission to enter, then get down on my knees, and beg my child's forgiveness. And allow time to go by if he doesn't answer you immediately. You just crushed your child. He might never forget it or forgive you.

  A speck of dirt... from your body and your beloved wife's? A speck of dirt?

  What reasoning do you have for saying that. Did someone in authority say that in anger to you? That is what it sounds like to me.

  If I was your child and I grew up and married and had children, I do not know if I would let you even be with my children. That is how heartless, what you said was.

  Say you were drunk and swear to never take a drink again or something.

  If the Boss is mad at you or you are mad at your clients or customers, do not take it out on a child.

  It might not seem like any big deal to you, but you rather threw your child out the door.

  Your child would rather you not do so much for him materially, but rather show your love to him by your speech and actions.

  I do not mean to come down hard on you either.

  You will only have your precious child with you for a short time. Some people are fortunate that after a certain age, their children still want to come home and visit.

  I wish you peace and love and happiness and joy and laughter in your home. You as head of the house, will have to figure out how that can be accomplished.

  LoisLane
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  snare&racket

  Jesus.... Way to fuck your kids head up! Go apologise.... A LOT, then spend 10 years helping your kid become anything and anyone they want to be.

  "Understanding emotional abuse

  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence.

  Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.

  You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so."