Flower, please email me. We should talk. I've been where you are and although I am no guide or guru, I can maybe help you look at things from a different perspective. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Love
MD
Thoughts about Depression and Anxiety
by flower 53 Replies latest jw experiences
-
Mommie Dark
-
mrs rocky2
Flower, it is only by going out and experiencing life, doing things to help other people that you find yourself. You will have deeper, truer, more meaningful friendships outside the organization. And it is frightening to come from a place where you don't have an individual personality. Trust me, you do have something inside of you that is uniquely you...you will find it!
Mrs R -
flower
Thanks all, (especially One..for your thoughtful and insiteful advice..i'm sure a jog around the park and a low carb diet will cure all that ails me )
glad to be understood ..a little. i still wonder tho if its all even possible. it doesnt look possible.
i think more than likely it takes an incredible amount of inner strength to accomplish what is necessary to achieve a measure of normalcy. i dont know that everyone has that strength. its not a matter of intelligence in my opinion. its almost a matter of will.
does lack of will power make a person a bad person or a failure or a disgrace? i dont think so. some of the worlds most brilliant minds and talents have struggled with will power in their lives in one form or another. not everyone has that something inside that can keep you focused and driven until the goal is achieved.
just my opinion..
flower
-
seven006
Flower,
If you are looking for normalcy you must first find people who are absolutely normal so that you have some kind of measuring rod to judge your present position in relation to them. If you ever find those absolutely normal people will you please point them out to me? As with my thoughts about life and my personal place in it, as well as my thoughts about what is "normal" keep changing. I see you as normal as anyone else and your progression in finding out who you are.
I may be wrong but it appears that you are feeling the personal growing pains of being able to make absolute decisions based on your own personal thoughts and feelings as opposed to the thoughts and feeling of others who have tired to perviously run your life. Until you are more use to making your own life decisions it will seem to be difficult to master the art of owning your own destiny based on you own thoughts. If you expect the majority of your thoughts and decisions to be absolutely right that is just putting undo pressure on yourself and will definitely result in a state of depression. Nobody who has gone through the dramatic life changes in reality and thought that you have can grow without a certain amount of depression and feeling of being a bit worthless.
You seem to be struggling with yourself in an attempt to live for now but doing it using your unhappy past and your unforeseen future as your guide. That is a very hard thing to do and seeing any kind of normal functionality in the process is almost impossible. Your frustration and your desire to feel normal is being clouded by an abnormal past and a future of unforeseen existence. No one can feel normal when only using that as a constant platform of perspective. The fact that you have gone though what you have, and you wish for better, only reinforces the fact that what you are feeling, and how you see things right now, are as about as normal as a person in like circumstances can feel.
As an example, if a person has been married for many years and loves their mate and their mate all of a sudden leaves them and divorces them they are devastated. Their actions and their outlook on life become clouded in the love they felt in the past, the love they feel in the now, and the anticipation of that love no longer being there in the feature. Their actions and thoughts in the now reflect their feelings of loss both form the past and future. The past is certain, the future is not, but the now is paying for and reacting to the feeling of both. If both the past and future were certain and absolute than the suffering in the now would be much less or at least a lot easier to deal with.
Rejection of anything that has been a part of someone's past whether it is a rejection of thought or circumstances in life will naturally give a person a feeling of not being balanced and result in depression. You have tried to balance others rejection of you from their life because of religious thought by countering with the rejection of that religious thought. OR, perhaps it is the other way around. Either way there is still two instances of rejection that have cause major changes in your life. Not feeling depressed or not felling bad about yourself and your life would be absolutely "abnormal."
You say you go out with new friends and coworkers but that person that goes out is not you. I beg to differ with your thought in that regard. I would say that the person going out is in reality the real "you" and the person who looks at it as not being you is in actuality "not the real you." I don't think "you" have ever been allowed to be "you." Not only was it not allowed by others it was more importantly not allowed by the "real you." It might even be that you have never known the "real you" and when the real you shows herself you simply do not recognize her. Given your past life and circumstances that is very easy to see. Your comment about constantly asking yourself if your thoughts are really yours or someone else's is also very understandable and is simply an exercise in you finally finding out who you really are and what you really think. You are in there somewhere in all the confusion. You are exactly right about it taking strength to find out who you are and who you have been told you are.
Who you have been "told you are", does not have the strength to continue and discover who you really are. Who you really are does, or you would not be on this board or asking these questions. You have spent your whole life being told who you are. Give "yourself" a chance to find out who you "really are" and then eventually tell "yourself" who that is. It will not happen over night but instead it will take many years. Enjoy it, look forward to it and then share it with others as you yourself find out. Let your son help you, believe it or not, he has been doing it since his birth. You just haven't been able to see it.
I am going to suggest a book for you that has helped me a lot. It is titled "The Wisdom of Insecurity" (A message for an age of Anxiety) by Alan W. Watts. It is quite the little book.
It deals with a lot of what is discussed on this board. It takes a very neutral but in-depth view of religion and science, thinking and being, self discovery using in your face reality, and living for the now as opposed continuing to suffer from our past or having anxiety with negative anticipation for the future. It puts some fairly hard concepts into a very easy to understand format and helps you realize why some people think the way they do and how to realize that it is how you "think" as opposed to what reality "actually is" that may cause us unhappiness in our lives.
It does not try to show that religion or science has the absolute answer but examines how they both relate and influence our thinking which in turn influences our lives. From what I have read in your posts and from what I have seen in your transformation on this board it is an excellent book for you to read in this particular time in your life. I really think it will help you see things in a more balance way and also help you realize that you are more "normal" than you think you are. Trust me, you will not always feel the way you do right now. You have shown to much intelligence and too much fortitude on the pages of this forum for me to believe any different.
Take it from your many fellow posters on this board who have been exactly where you are right now and trust them when they say it will get better. In my opinion, you will not only get past this with a greater understanding of who you are and what life is all about, but I think you will end up being someone who will be extremely helpful to others who will follow you in their own personal journey along the same familiar path that you are presently on. Isn't that concept a real kick in the ass? It will happen, I can see it and I can feel it. Hopefully someday you will be able to see it yourself.
Take care,
Dave
-
Imbue
Dave,
There are no normal people...really. If you believe that you will always feel like your on the outside looking in. People who never heard of JWs have these same problems and feelings...ever wonder why?"Not part of the inner circle class"-Larc
-
seven006
imbue,
You have said in a few short words what I was trying to say in a long drawn out post. I definitely need to work on my editing skills.
Thank you for your comment, I will work on it.
Dave
-
Solace
Flower,
You are not alone.
I sometimes look back at what my family has been through and wonder how we even manage to get on with our lives. I have definatly learned from the experience and plan on warning my children of the dangers that exist and pray that they listen. -
larc
Flower,
I think people have given you good advice. I especially liked what Seven006 had to write, and I agree that a book like the one he described could be of enormous benefit to you.
I can tell from what you wrote that you are going through a dificult time, but I have seen a lot of growth in you, from your first post up until today. I know you have your ups and downs, but I think your course is positive and will get better.
You said it is hard to change, and you are so right, but every journey begins with a step, and you have made some steps. Yes, you will have some set backs, but for every three steps you take forward, if you only take two backwards you are making progress.
I remember you writing about meeting some people who post here and how much you enjoyed it. Perhaps, you felt out of place and not quite "you", yet you made the effort and took the risk to meet other people. That is progress.
-
mouthy
(((( Flower)))) I dont say things as well as all the above- ( put it down to old age) but when I was "ousted "from the Borg I felt just like you- I wanted to die- I knew I couldnt because I had children to consider (as do you) but it was awful -feeling unworthy of laughing-living- just being what I considered a nothing...
But I must tell you-your young enough to do all the things suggested to you- Go out & enjoy- join a singles group-join bowling groups- I was to old & too crippled by the time I was kicked out- but I am doing all the things I can do- Like getting together a support group- for me & them- I find the more I help others I get a great joy-
Get up every morning & talk to yourself( if you dont want to pray -as I do)Tell your self your lovely-a good worker- a good Mum. A true person-because you are- Talking to you on the phone- e-mails I am learning that you need to build self confidence- I have it now- That is why I can call myself Mouthy. Your allowed to feel cheated for a time- then you kick it out the door & say "this is the first day for the rest of my life" There will be ups & downs- but The ups will make you happy- It is worth it honey... Love ya. Grace -
flower
thanks for replying all.
lot to think about dave. i'll read the book and thanks for taking the time to reply. i'm not sure i agree that there are no normal people. normalcy to me is what i see and hear every day. it doesnt mean that someone is perfect or anything. to me its just being able to function without an inner voice that controls your thoughts and actions. normalcy is not wondering if my thoughts and feelings are my own or if i'm absolutely crazy. even writing these words i dont know if this is me writing or not. maybe i am just crazy. or maybe everyone is like this. i dont think other people are. but maybe this is what being a person is. i have nothing to compare to..i've never been a real person. if this is what being a person is then i dont like it. i want to be comfortable in my head and not so confused..thats all.
thanks again all.
flower