I've lurked here for some time now, and posted a few times but wasn't going to do this until a couple other sweet members here suggested I do - so here it goes. To tell my story, I have to go back to THE beginning.
When I was 3yrs old, I had a very loving older brother, Craig, who was 5yrs old. While we were out playing on a Montreal street one day, a streetcleaner with a hungover driver hooked my brother, dragged him several feet, and ran over him, in front of me. It was the single most defining factor in my life. Afterwards, I was given away (that part is blank), and when returned, (never got to go to the funeral), my father blamed me and never ceased telling me that I should've been the one to die. That was the beginning of a lifetime of abuse at his hands. He had already been kicking mom into the ground, causing several miscarriages. He loved knives and sitting on the sofa sharpening his favorite knife while glaring at me as I passed and saying 'There's gonna be blood shed here tonight'. Both mom and I wear the scars, emotionally and physically. It was the era when no one stepped in to stop it. It was merely a 'domestic thing'. He would make every holiday a nightmare. Xmas dinners went down the stairs and presents out in the garbage. Mom couldn't buy anything for me without taking a beating for it - even school supplies. When I was sick, I couldn't disturb 'him' at night, and would often lay in pain until infection would ooze from my ear, and if I was throwing up, I would be dehydrated by the time I could reach my mother. He got pissed if she took me to the hospital. So that was my childhood - fear, stress, walking on eggshells constantly, sexual, physical, emotional abuse, and alone. I ran away from home a month before I turned 16. I lived with my boyfriend's family. I met him when I was 14 and he was 18. (there's a saga to living with his folks that I'll leave out). I got pregnant and they kicked me off the farm. I went to live with my mom, who was absolutly supportive. We moved in with her sister n family until she got an appartment. First hubby n I got married just before our first was born, and then I moved to Germany with him. It was there that I met up with the JWs. New baby, marriage, country, language, no friends, and he was gone for most of the first year on exercises.
I liked that they didn't celebrate holidays, as I had grown to dread them. They 'knew' their bible and could answer my questions. They were friendly. I was hooked. I studied like a good lil trooper. In 1984, our youngest was born, and I had my second c-section. I told the doc - tie the tubes, I'm not going through this again. The elders gave me s**t for that and I wasn't baptized yet. I felt like crap. Looking back, I just wanted to be accepted, part of a family, loved. I was taught NOT to say no by daddy dearest.
We moved back to Canada and I spent alot of effort being a good dub. My closest friend, Starr, was suffering issues that she wasn't allowed to get help for. She took her life, and I found out in a letter after the funeral. (see a pattern here?) We had been posted away from her a year before.
As I raised my children, practicing what I preached was paramount, and this brought me to lock horns with JW doctrine. I hated the cliques, and the falsifying of service reports etc. The deeper I looked, the more hypocrisy I saw. By this time, my witnessing to my husband paid off (haha) and he quit the military one year before retirement. He began beating me. We moved to a tiny town where he worked for Michelin. His mindgames became unbearable. He brought out a rifle. The elders put me and my girls into a 'safe' house while hubby hunted for us. Meanwhile, the elders failed to get my girl's homework, which caused trouble at school, and they also fell for hubby's antics. They had promised a study for me, but it never materialized. Two months into this mess, I started cutting my arms. The elders involved came to the conclusion that I must be demonized and we were moved to an elder's home. I'd previously posted about the exorcism they concocted, which sent me to the hospital two times in an ambulance. They burned and smashed all my belongings and those of my girls. Hubby joined in and burned the baby pics of my girls along with other treasured things. One day, they picked me up and took me to a woman's shelter and told me I had to stay there. I lost it. I didn't 'fix' so I was 'given away' again. (hmmm.. never thot of that until I wrote it). I didn't stay. The owner of the ambulance took us in.
This brings me to the era where they followed me, critisized me for working on the ambulance and living on the funeral home grounds. (they didn't like the owner who was a brother at the time). They lied to me about articles coming out in the WT. I went to another town for my EMT course and was followed. When I got home, my childhood came back to haunt me. During the course I had volunteered for a scenario involving a drug user. I made a mistake and the trainer came at me with a knife. The look on my face made them stop in their tracks, and the trainers put me in the shock position.
Flashbacks became the order of the day. I started to see therapists and the elders didn't like it. Hubby was working overtime to make me 'submissive'. Rumors started going around me, and the congregation stopped talking to me. I was being abused by my boss, but hubby was telling them it was an affair. I was too afraid to speak up. I was alone again. My doctor put me on tranquilizers to deal with the onslaught of elder interrogations. One day, I stopped talking, and signed myself into the hospital. I spent three months there, with only 2 visits from anyone in the congregation. While there, all they expounded on was how well others were doing. During this time, I confided in one elder about the abuse I had at the hands of another in the congregation who 'got off' on my flashbacks. He handled it well. I'd moved before leaving the hospital. I'd also filed for divorce. The elder who handled my confidence, told the original elders to stay away from me for a few weeks so I could get back on my feet. They called the night I got home. They said they'd arranged a meeting that week and that if I didn't go, I'd be df'd. It was the final straw. They were being nosy pervs. I didn't go. They came to my door to tell me I'd been df'd - and I calmly told him that they had df'd me a long time ago in their actions, and quietly closed the door.
After that, hubby told my young girls every single day that I was going to die. He quit his job so as not to pay child maintenance. (that divorce is another story). During this time, I was crushed that I had been abandoned by my 'family' again. It was quite awhile before I came to understand the whole thing was illusion. Since that time, I have remarried. I helped my step-son through the abuse he faced with his former step-mom. The legal problems that woman caused us for 6 years straight broke our marriage. We are now separated, but working it back together. I worked to keep hubby #1 in my girls' lives. That paid off. He is finally a father to them, now that they are turning 18 and 20yrs old. Better late than never. I helped both my girls through nasty drug phases with counselling and very long nights. I'm in recovery from self-mutilation. I tried to kill myself once. I'm ten years out of the borg, and can finally breathe clean air. It took alot to let go of that imaginary family. Though this is certainly novel length - it scratches the surface. I am a person in pieces; my heart holds a graveyard, but giving up is not in my DNA. I feel blessed to have found this site. Btw, I attended Al-Anon and found more spirituality there in two months than I did in ten yrs with the borg.
Everything happens for a reason, and I strive to take positive lessons from even the most negative experiences. I refuse to be bitter. I've become a student of the human spirit, and I now know how to speak up - and I know when and how to say 'no'. I've taught these things to my children. Perhaps my life is all about breaking many viscious cycles in my family. That makes all the pain and lonliness worthwhile. Positive results out of negative experiences.
Thanks for listening.
My story: pieces of me
by Mimilly 22 Replies latest jw experiences
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Mimilly
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BeautifulGarbage
Mimilly,
I am rendered speechless from reading your story. I am always in such awe of those individuals that can survive such horrible abuse from others, especially a parent, and still manage of come out of it with their humanity.
With your childhood, I think it no suprise that you saw in the WTS a family that you never had. And a very conditional family they are.
I'm glad you are here. Thanks for sharing your story.
Andee
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ITrustJoy
Hi Mimily,
Your story is heartbreaking. I am currently trying to witness to a Jehovah's Witness and you have been an inspiration to me to persevere. I hope that you know that you are loved. God loves you so much that he sacrificed his son so that you may have a personal relationship with him. He is a loving and merciful God.
Feel free to email me if you would like me to pray for you or help you in any way. If you have never asked Jesus into your heart I could show you how to receive the free gift he gives to all who believe and simply ask him. (or just look up Romans 10:9-10) Remember he will never leave you or forsake you.Your friend and sister in Christ,
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Joyzabel
Wow Mimilly,
I too am rendered speechless.
I am glad you can see the "cycles" that you are having to break now. That is the first step and usually the hardest.
I'm glad you have found this board and may it help you to further heal and enjoy your life ahead of you.
Hugs,
j2bf -
Dutchie
Oh, Mimilly, for the first time I actually cried when reading someone's story. My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing your history with us. I hope that you stay and become even more empowered by posting here and reading the stories of others. Doing this will help you to realize that there is indeed life after the watchtower and that your experiences are not totally unique.
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Angharad
Mimilly, I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through.
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Double Edge
Mimilly:
I thought I was having a really bad day until I read your story....now it seems like piffel. Thank God the past is just that ... past. We all have 'things' to go through in getting thru life, but it sounds like your measure was a few extra heaps. I'm glad you came to this board - your life experiences will add a great perspective and people can learn alot from what you have to say.
WELCOME..... (now I'll go and count my blessings instead of grumbling on what a crappy day it WAS).
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Matty
Mimilly
I'm at work, and everyone in the office is asking why I look so tearful. Nothing I can say to you now can express how I feel right now. My heart goes to you so much. Some of the posts today have hit me like a truck, yours the most. I've got a lot of thinking to do this weekend about my continued association with the JWs. How can I justify to you, after all you have been through, why I continue to be an active witness? I can't.
Love
Matty -
Mimilly
Gosh, I wasn't expecting these reactions, yet thank you for being touched by my experiences.
Matty - you cannot and must not use my experience to justify or deny where you are in your own life. I do not see pain as something that can be compared. I lock horns with the saying 'there's always someone worse off' because pain is individual. We all have different strengths and weaknesses.
When I worked on the ambulance as an EMT, I saw alot of pain - different kinds of pain. Every day was a reminder of how precious life is, and how fast it can all change. I never compared my patients - I learned from them. Those years as an EMT were food for a lifetime of thought. The problem with the WTS is that 'individual' is taken out of the vocabulary and we're taught to compare ourselves constantly to the pioneers etc. They also removed 'pain' and replaced it with spiritual weakness. I loathed that.
I don't hate JWs. I hate the doctrines that allow abuse to thrive. There are good and 'bad' people everywhere. When we stop comparing and start seeing individuals in the context of their own lives, the generalizing will cease - but I'm not holding my breath for that. You have to choose what's right for YOU Matty, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally.
Thank you all for the warm welcome.(I'm way too busy pulling rafters out of my own eyes to be bothered with the splinters in the eyes of others)
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BobsGirl
You, my friend, are a woman or wisdom, spirit, and strength! I am grateful that you have shared your story and honored to associate with you on the board. Raising a glass of my favorite beverage ..... "Here's to the future"!
BobsGirl
"May the work of your hands be a sign of gratitude and reverence to the human condition." - Mahatma Gandhi