Consequences of the cult? FEAR and PASSIVITY - anything else?

by BluePill2 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  Bruja-del-Sol

  BluePill2 said:

  My girlfriend says that she observes in me traits that foreigners show if they are in a unknown country, only that we have them towards EVERYBODY. The whole planet is foreign to a Witness.

  I can relate to that. It's exactly what I've told my husband lately about how I feel. Now we're living in Spain, trying to learn the language and the local customs, we know we will always be 'foreigners', no matter how hard we try. We're not the same as people who were born here, we will never completely grasp their way of thinking, the things they've learned and seen from their culture all their lives. And that is exactly how I feel after I've left the WTS! I'm living in the world, I'm doing my utter best to behave and act like other people, I've taken up their customs like celebrating lots of things, I've married my first love who never had any religious beliefs and I'm trying to make friends whenever I can.

  But after nearly 12 years of trying and giving it all I've got, even had therapy, I'm still struggling with these mental and emotional 'disabilities'. I'm still a foreigner, an outsider who tries but never seems to really get it. I'm living this life among all these people and just don't seem to fit in. Like a foreigner who speaks the language well, knows all about the food the locals like to eat, even joins them in celebrating their holidays and doing all he can to adjust to their cultural behaviour, but after decades everybody will still look at him as 'import', not genuinely 'one of them', although they will accept him, but every now and then they will shake their heads and whisper to each other 'you see, that foreign part is still there... we don't understand this person'.

  And even with my husband I have such moments. I'm really f*cked up when it comes to sexuality, and no matter how hard I try, there's this part of me that doesn't know how to break loose of the ties the WTS has put in my mind. I really hate that! I'm reading Kyria Abrahams 'I'm perfect, you're doomed' right now and it's actually sort of a relief... Her story could've been mine. But it also hurts, 'cause it brings a lot of garbage back into my memory...

  So yes, BluePill2, I recognize your story. I married at 18, thinking my only purpose in life would be to wait for Armageddon and in the meantime be a wife and have kids and go in Field Service. I had no goals, no ambitions, and up until today I have a hard time setting goals and working towards reaching them. I'm 45 now and longing for friends who will not abandon me or just forget about me as if I never existed (lost a couple of friends because of our emigration, a loss I didn't actually see coming, another thing to mourn)... it's a struggle sometimes.
  
  But having all of that said, I still am A LOT happier than I was as a JW and I would never at any price trade my insecurities back for the so called 'security' of the witnesses. So to end this in a positive way: I know I will get by someday, it just takes a looooooooot of time.
• 

  LongHairGal

  Flipper:

  What you describe about yourself is something I have a problem with: "...somewhat oversensitive about being told what to do or feeling that people are trying to control me - when in fact they may not be..."

  This is something I have to work on. Like you, I can overcompensate. I am usually okay unless I am dealing with somebody who doesn't respect boundaries and the like. In rare cases, somebody needs to be told off. In many cases, this is another woman. Of course, they won't like me and I'll get the "bitch" label, but that's a price I am willing to pay. A woman in the world has to take a stand or else she ends up a doormat. You want everybody to like you? It isn't possible.

  These past unpleasant dramas that play out in our heads sometimes can cause a problem in present day relationships if we aren't aware of what is actually happening. And I was not born-in, either.

  BluePill:

  What you said about JWs behaving as though they are foreign visitors who have trouble functioning - anti-social and what-not (in their own country, no less), is really a good example of how stifling intellectually the JW religion is to a person and this is really no good for society in general.
• 

  Oubliette

  BluePill2,

  Learned Helplessness and the Victim Mentality are two traits which abusers in codependent relationships studiously cultivate in those they abuse.

  Translation: You feel the way you do because the cult of Jehovah's Witnesses programmed you to feel that way.

  The good news is you can re-write your own programming, although it isn't easy. It took time to become their obedient little mindless slave, it'll take time for you to be a fully-functional, independent, thinking human being. Time and a hell of a lot of hard work. But it's worth it!

  First read up about codependent relationships. Understand what they are and accept that you were in one. You were the abused enabler. I know, it sucks to learn this hard truth, but ya' gotta' face it if you're ever gonna' get over it!

  Learn about Learned Helplessness and the Victim Mentality. Recognize yourself in these descriptions and choose to change. Take control of your life.

  Next, stop focusing on your negative past. True, it'll always be there. But you don't drive your car down the road looking in the rearview mirror. It's there for reference. Safe drivers keep their eyes on the road up ahead.

  Here's a helpful article I just read on taking control of one's life. It's really on target for ex-JWs and those that want to be:

  • Successful People: The 8 Self-Limiting Behaviors They Avoid

  Keep us posted. Let us know how your doing!

  Oubliette
• 

  Crazyguy

  No Motivation is another one. I have noticed specially in the generation after mine I'm 45. The younger guys are not too motivated to do anything but sit on their arses. Dont get off their butts and work don't try to excel and anything just pretty much lazy with a capital L.
• 

  RunAsFastAsYouCan

  Ambient Abuse. Lots and lots of ambient abuse. The most dangerous and insidious form of abuse.
• 

  Oubliette

  CG: The younger guys are not too motivated to do anything but sit on their arses. Dont get off their butts and work don't try to excel and anything just pretty much lazy with a capital L.

  Can you blame 'em? Who wants to get "promoted" to more volunteer service?
• 

  Crazyguy

  I'm talking about anything in life. The Wt destroys people motivation to do anything in this system of things, so they don't get educated , go after good careers and even follow their passions, turns people into drones, lazy unmotivated zombies!!!
• 

  yadda yadda 2

  Excellent thread.

  Definitely FEAR, that's the no.1.

  Not so sure about passivity though. JW's and their children are taught to get outta bed in the weekend and get out in all weather knocking cold turkey on strangers doors. That is not passive but requires quite a bit of proactivity and boldness. They are also trained to stand on stage at the congregation nd give bible talks from early childhood. And answer up in front of a big congregation. They are brainwashed as children to be brave about being different from all the other kids, to stand out from the crowd and make a defence when asked why. That is hardly passive conduct. Perhaps passive aggressive is more apt.

  I would replace passivity with distrust bordering on paranoia. I've noticed with myself since leaving the borg I have a deep-seated distrust of "worldlings" and struggle to form lasting friendships with those worldly people who I was brainwashed from infancy to believe were blinded by Satan and practitioners of all manner of dishonesty and sin.