Should I allow my mom to see the grandchildren? (page 4)

confusedandalone

She says that I know she has to stand for jehovah and not me so if I dare to put her love for her grandchildren before jehovah they will lose... I hung up on her. This is fucking ridiculous...

She has made her own decision she has to live with the consequences. Never ever conspire with another persons efforts to hurt you or your family. Tell them they are inexcusably wrong and you do not undetstand.

Like many more have said invite her to share with your entire family. It is her decision that has caused the problem not yours.

Comatose

Think how psychologically damaging it would be for your children to see that your own mother despises you and won't speak to you. Do you want your children growing up thinking that that's okay? The only possible way you could allow her to see them is if she could act like normal around you and enjoy being with them. That is part of necessary family business, seeing and being with your grandchildren. She is a moron and you are better off without her. Although I don't pretend to think that this makes it feel any better. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

AudeSapere

It has *got* to be embarrassing to try to dance around explain to non-jw's how a grandparent could possibly not be involved in their grandchildren's lives - especially when they preach to others about how loving they and their religion is.

By having just a little interaction with the kids, she gets to retell the same story of the 30 minutes she spend with them over and over again for 6-12 months. That way she can save face among her friends and potential converts. She can also tell her JW friends how big a test of faith she endured all for the kingdom's sake.

I may be mean and jaded about this, but I would not allow unsupervised visits at all. Not so sure I'd allow supervised visits either if said grandparent would treat me cooly in my own home. It makes me uncomfortable and kids pick up on the 'vibe'.

It's a tough situation. Not sure what I would do in this situation. But boy, oh boy! From what you've told us, your parents are wackier than most. They scare me.

-Aude.

kaik

I agree with others who mention that she can misuse your children against you. JW are skilled in deceiving other people and they do not hesitate to lie to prove their point or having control of the situation. I will be very wary to let her mother interracting with your children and create disunity and division in your family. Your mother made a decision to cut you out, you have a responsibility to protect your family.

jwfacts

The way I was able to have some association with my parents was to allow them access to my son when I was with him.

My mother wants me to leave my 6yo son with her for a few days. If she asks again, I will ask if I can spend a few days looking after my JW nephew and neice. I am sure the feeling of horror that overwhelms her will help her clearly understand why I do not want her alone with my son.

Julia Orwell

I've heard of a little kid crying because her mum is not jw and will die at Armageddon cuz her jw grandma has had her over for weekends since she was young. Non jw mum let the girl have relationship with jw grandparents and ended up becoming jw herself because of pressure not just from her parents but from her little daughter as well. Your mum will weaponise your kids and they will absorb her cult rubbish and spew it at you. Marketing calls it pester power. You won't give into it of course like my friend did, but do you really want to deal with that? As everyone says here, supervised contact will force your mum to behave herself or else reveal to the children what a hypocrite she is. Young kids can often pick up vibes like that. They may even decide they don't want to see nana because she makes them uncomfortable.

Paralipomenon

I had the same decision to make as well and much of what people have posted here were factors in my decision. (I am also not DA/DF and heavily shunned)

I told them that love needs to be unconditional, how can you say you love your grandchildren when you don't show love to your children. My mom just blubbered that I had taken a stand against Jehovah and that it was my doing. It was all me, I was doing this to them.

I also realized that at one point my sons will not live at home and very well might look up their grandparents curious about "the other side" so I make a point of once a year inviting my parents over for supper to see us and the kids. If the kids ever ask, I will tell them that for 7 years so far, their grandparents have refused invitations to come and visit and I suspect that will last for the rest of my life.

If my kids look them up, I would like them to explain to my children why it was so important to turn down years of invitations to come visit them. The Watchtower is all my parents know, they see me as the villian, to them it is so clear why they can't come and visit. It is my hope though, that the Watchtower explanation will sound (rightly) insane when offered as an excuse to my kids should they ever ask why they never accepted the invitations to come visit with the whole family.

nonjwspouse

I agree with para. The children need to see by example the love for family. They need to see their parents reaching out, they need to never be unsupervised with those grandparents if the grandparents choose too be around. They need to see love from their own parents towards their grandparents,and when or if the grandparents the respond with coldness. That is one of the biggest testimonies against the WTBTS I can think of.

Children learn the greatest by observing. Observing the family shunning JWs in action is the best lesson against the JW there is.

Scully

Your JW parents should NEVER be permitted to have access to your children while at the same time they actively shun you.

It sets a terrible example for your children to see you being disrespected by your own parents - let's face it, shunning (being treated like you don't exist) is the ultimate form of disrespect - so unless your JW parents are prepared to behave like normal human beings, they should NEVER be allowed to have access to your children. Frankly, I have come to the conclusion that for as long as my JW parents remain JWs, it is psychologically abusive to allow my children to be exposed to their grandparents' disrespectful behaviour.

The only times they've seen my kids in the last 15 years have been when other non-JW relatives are present. They go out of their way to appear as normal as possible in front of the non-JW relatives and they wouldn't dare attempt to shun me or Mr Scully in their presence. They don't want to Bring Reproach on Jehovah™ by being an honest representation of how JWs really act. I think they're actually embarrassed by the possibility of having to be strict with the rules in front of non-JW relatives.

Should I allow my mom to see the grandchildren?