Quelly: I feel your pain! It is hard to go through trials and challenges. Sometimes it really DOES feel like the world is against you.
The good thing is that you have found support here, and that you can reveal your frustrations here. Expressing yourself, and knowing that someone else is reading them, really does help sometimes. You are not alone!
I am inspired by the OT story of Joseph. The trials he faced, and how he was refined and prepared for the purpose he had in life, really spoke to me. I am a Joseph. Whether you want to follow a Bible example, or one from the history books, there are many examples out there.
You're under fire. You're being refined. How you face these challenges will help determine their outcome. Sometimes I just want to give up! I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem my whole life, and I very easily fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself. I have been learning to look at trials from a different perspective... what can I learn from this? (Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right?)
The fact that you are actively making changes in your life, moving forward, is going to bring new challenges to the forefront for you. (Satan is not attacking you... you are in a process of change, which is usually uncomfortable).
This is not meant to sound like a list of complaints, but here is a short summary of the last 5 years of my life:
5 years ago, we had a serious auto accident. My husband's neck was fractured. This accident rewrote our history in a split second. It took 3 years & 3 surgeries before his neck finally fused and he returned to work. I had to take on a lot of his responsibilities around the house, including all the driving. My son was 16 months old, my daughter was 3 at the time of the accident (we were on our way home from a meeting). We lived in the car (almost literally) for 3 years, driving him to appointments for several different types of therapy (vision, voice box paralyzed, physical therapy, cognitive).
I lost 160 pounds during the first year of this time, after weight loss surgery, that I had prior to the accident. (Thank goodness... through this whole trial, I realized I am much stronger than I thought!)
My parents and sister have become devout Jehovah's Witnesses, and my sister is now shunning me because I decided not to join them, due to the results of our independent research. In short, our once happy, intact family has been ripped in half by the JW religion.
I still do all the driving for our family (which means that anytime my husband has to go anywhere: work, continued medical appointments, etc... the whole family goes).
I live in a rural area, and over 30 miles from any friends. I do not have anyone who will help me with child care, unless I drive 30 miles and pay for the time. I spend 95% of my time with my children, which is a reward and a challenge in itself.
I feel like I have no friends. When I talk to people about the issues I am facing with my family, they get this confused/glazed look on their face, like I am a raving lunatic. They really don't get it, and I feel like, if they were actually being honest with me, they really don't care. I don't like being a burden to people, and don't feel there is anyone I can confide in. Even my one friend who seemed to share my mission in reaching JW's, constantly questions me. No one understands!
No one understands! I guess it boils down to that one statement for me. I really feel so alone sometimes. I get it.
Keep posting. It helps you to release your feelings to the world, and it helps others who are struggling, to know we are not alone.
Take it easy on yourself!
