He’s in college and average college age, I assume. Isn’t it his job to do a bit of rebelling at that age? That is exactly why the dubs don’t want you going to college in the first place. I’d pat him on the back and say, when your kids are in college you can come back and tell me what a great job you did. Until then just know I did the best I could with what I had. I don’t think you owe him any sort of an apology over and above that and you definitely don't need to feel guilty. He should feel lucky he got out in time to take control of his life.
Argument with my Child "Why did I stay in the Organization so long?" Anger and Bitter Feelings.
by RottenRiley 28 Replies latest jw friends
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yadda yadda 2
Don't say anymore. You don't have to justify your mistakes to your teenagers and they shouldn't demand that of their parents. It's just life and they will realise for themselves one day.
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Frazzled UBM
I don't agree with yadda yadda 2. I agree with others who said you say sorry and explain how the organisation has developed over 100 + years very effective techniques based on fear, guilt and shame to manipulate and mislead people into staying in - it sounds like you were a born-in so this was stuck in your sub-conscious before you were old enough to critically evaluate it. You are a victim as muchas your son and as others have said you should find common cause with him on that. Subtly letting him know you are angry with the WBTS for their lies and manipulation may help. When I get frustrated with my wife I have to remind myself she is a victim of psychological manipulation by an evil organisation well-practised in this technique. I do agree though that you should not beat yourself up about it particualrly as you are one of the few to see through the BS and free your mind. Take care
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Pistoff
I would tell them that people in your life, your mum and dad, listened to men who lied and deceived them, that your parents didn't check the lies, that you didn't either and that you are sorry for it.
It is easy now to find out the truth about religions; you can get to the heart of it in hours, maybe minutes.
Now though you have; and you are making your way out.
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Faithful Witness
Everyone has different challenges in their lives, starting with childhood. No parents are perfect.
My parents chose to become JW's after they became grandparents. I'm not sure what their issue is, but I forgive them.
They made plenty of other mistakes while we were growing up. I forgive those also. When your kids have their own, and start making their own mistakes, maybe they will have more compassion for you.
Another good book: "Mistakes Were Made, but Not by Me."
Forgive yourself and forgive them. These sound like growing pains. You can move past them, but healing takes time. All the best to you!
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Band on the Run
I've told my mother that raising a kiid in the Witnesses is child abuse. My rage was explosive when I was young and making a sometimes awkward transition between having no control over my life and attending college. I overhear college students today and I cringe. They are opinioned but they have no nuance. Time may provide an answer. My mom admitted the Witness years were big mistake.
Sometimes material posted here will rev me up and I have tears coming down my face. My rage is greater than ever. The difference is that I can see that my mother was abused as a JW kid herself. You can never get those years back. I deserved better.
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LongHairGal
Rotten Riley:
You are part of an extended family and things got complicated. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Other people, such as myself, might have stayed longer than we should have because of friendships we thought we had.
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eyeuse2badub
Yep we all "believed" at one time that this was God's organization. The promises that God (aka gb) made to us about a perfect life in paradise was very seductive. As thos old German man once said "Too bad ve grow olt to zoon and shmart to lade".
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El Nunya
Both of my kids are grown now. It seems to me that the depths of damage depended on individual personalities. My son 35, who's the oldest makes the most negative comments. Sometimes I think he does it to get a rise out of me. I've explained it to my kids like this....and I continue to do so every time it's brought up. They seem to understand better now that they're parents themselves.
"When parents that love their kids are raising them, they make decisions based on what they think is best at the time. Every decision I've ever made where you're concerned was/is filtered through my unconditional love for you. I've always believed a spiritual foundation to be one of the most important things in life. I still do. The JW religion is what I was taught, therefore it's what I taught you. The exact moment I lost faith in that religion is also the exact moment I stopped teaching it to you or to anybody else. You were still in elementary, if you'll recall. I'm sorry now and I'll always be sorry and apologetic for the negative impact that religion had on your childhood. And I'm sorry you've carried the pain and scars into adulthood. As soon as I seen the religion for what it was, I got both you and your sister out of there as fast as humanly possible. I can't change the past. It is what it is. I'm sorry...."
My daughter has no problem whatsoever. She's gone on with her life and is very successful. My son is also successful. I think that it's more or less his way of just aggravating me now. Give it time. Time is a great healer.
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LisaRose
Just say "I did the best I could with what I knew and believed at the time, when I knew better, I did better. In addition, I did those things at great personal sacrifice to myself, because I loved you and wanted the best for you. I was mistaken, and I apologize for being misled, but at no time did I wish to harm you in any way. I also have been harmed because of this, but I am doing the best I can to move on, and I hope you can also move on. If you need help with that, I am here for you, but it is not good for either of us to hold on to resentment and negativity."