Schizophrenia

by thedog1 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  LisaRose

  I feel your pain. I have been out for a long time, but I still remember the feeling of being trapped, of doing things that seemed to have no meaning, but not knowing what else to do. I had myself trapped in the circular reasoning of the Watchtower. I still believed in God and the bible and I reasoned the dubs were the closest to what the bible taught, so I thought what else can I do? It wasn't until I absolutely couldn't do it any more that I really examined what I believed.

  When I did, I realized that of the many predictions they made, not one of them came true. They had added so many rules and requirements that were not in the bible, that it made it a burden to be a JW. I couldn't imagine God wanted his people to live like this, if he even existed, which I was beginning to doubt. Matthew 11:30 says "my yoke is easy and my burden is light". What is easy or light about the the life of a Witness? I was also bothered by John 13:35, By this all will know you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" . I don't know about you, but didn't describe any congregation I had been in over my thirty years as a dub.

  Then it just hit me, there was absolutely no proof that any of what the Witnesses taught was the truth. They talked a good game, using current events to show this system was ending, making things seem very dire, but the reality is the world wasn't getting progressively worse, it was bumping along as it ever had from the beginning of history. It was all just lies, just like that the scales fell from my eyes, I lost my faith in the Watchtower.

  I don't know your circumstances, so maybe you can't leave, but I think you need to start making plans. Once you know TTATT, it's very hard to go on pretending to believe something you don't. If you leave, make sure it is on your terms.
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  Robdar

  I have a little empathy for your plight but not much. You are going to feel schizo until you work up the courage to leave. It's that simple and good luck.
• 

  Phizzy

  I agree with Robdar, and will add that it is very bad for your mental health and well being to continue in the position you are in.

  You need to leave for your own good. Away from the Org lies happiness, the freedom to be your true self, and to be comfortable with yourself.
• 

  Frazzled UBM

  My wife skipped KH last Sunday and went on a family trip I had arranged but then got depressed in the evening but didn't give a reason. So yesterday she said she is going to an Assembly tomorrow all day. So I asked her whether anyone had contacted her and given her a hard time about not going. She said they had called to ask her why she hadn't gone. I asked her whether that had made her feel guilty. She wouldn't answer. So I suggested to her that they had no right to be calling her up and asking her why she didn't attend and that it wasn't school or work so attendance wasn't compulsory. She didn't answer. I told her I felt sad that she felt that she didn't have any freedom to say no to these people. She didn't answer.

  So, thedog1, I can really relate to your comment ' despairing internally at the prison we have locked ourselves into as members of the group.' I am sure that is the way my wife feels but she would never admit it. I really want to help her to break free but feel she is incapable to see the bars of her cell. You don't have that excuse, so what is holding you back from busting out?
• 

  bemused

  I can only assume that your prison walls are ties to family and friends, otherwise I can't see what could be holding you back. It sounds like you are in turmoil and, for the sake of your mental health, that can't continue for long. Unless you can somehow reconcile yourself to your life as a JW then I think you have to leave.

  Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
• 

  KateWild

  thedog1,

  At present you are holding to two condradictory beliefs. Going out on the service is the right thing to do, being in prisoned by imaginary bars is the wrong thing to do.

  This is called cognitive dissonance, I mentioned it on the other thread you started. Look it up it will help you understand your stress. I sufferred with CD a lot before I left completely. It messes with our mental health and can be very dangerous. Many commit suicide, you need to stay healthy for your wife.

  I hope you are feeling better soon and decide what you will do. Talk to your wife thedog1, tell her something I am sure she loves you dearly and will be there for you. She may be suffering with CD herself and will be refreshed to understand it.

  Love Kate xx
• 

  thedog1

  Thank you for all the comments. Those who made comments about this being bad for my mental health are correct. I have family and friends involved with JWs so these ties are very powerful. I was thinking of the slow fade, starting with resigning as an elder for family reasons (partly true) and then gradually fading away. I think family would be reasonably sympathetic, as I don't see so much of them anyway as we have moved countries but we see them at holiday time in the summer. One family member through marriage had a very bad experience with a JC a few years ago which has shaken their trust in the org. Am friendly with all the local bros here but no special friends so it would be easier to do it here.
• 

  KateWild

  thedog1,

  Very good plan indeed. There are many former elders that can help you to resign in an appropriate way. In my opinion I think saying your wife needs you as she has health problems is a noble way to resign without raising any eyebrows, but I am no former elder so others can give you advice also.

  Once you have resigned the CD will not be as severe, planning a fade will be easier and helping your wife to see what you see will be easier also.

  All the best with your exit plan keep us informed how you and your lovely wife are getting on.

  Take care Kate xx