When do you say enough is *enough*?

by Tinkerbell4125 19 Replies latest watchtower scandals

• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  Like many of you, dear friends, I have several j.w. siblins. I've come to a point where I'm thinking about completely cutting off all association with them. As of now, we have this civil/one-sided/uncomfortable relationship. I have some j.w. siblins that I have no contact at all with and some that I exchange email with. When I'm around my j.w. siblins,they act sad, as if I'm sick with cancer or something, it's like, a forced conversation/about a family matter of course/no conversation on when we're getting together for lunch or anything like that/just a conversation of a nessasary nature. It's not a matter of questioning that there is love there. It's a question of *is this a healthy relationship*. Here on one end, this j.w. thinking that by shunning me, they are showing me the importance of my position. I'm this betrayer of Jehovah. Here I am, to me, I'm this person that feels, hey beleive what you want, I don't believe it, don't agree with it, not gonna be controled by them, but don't turn your back on me because I don't bow my head cocked the same way you do! My siblin's and I were born and bread in the mist of j.w. civilation and I think some of them still believe it deep down, even though they don't live it, it would be a disloyalty to my deceased j.w. mother. I know they say, never say never, but I know that I will NEVER go back to the org. I think my j.w. siblins feel that I may someday come back, but if they knew how I really felt about the org. they wouldn't even acknowledge me. I would become the Feared Apostate!!!! Now I'm at a point where I'm tired of the Bullshit. That's what I call it. Bullshit. Maybe it's a turning 40 kind of thing or something. I love my family, but our parents are gone now, and it's just us to salvage through what's left of the rest of our lives. Life is short and I don't want to waste it on something that's not there. What's not there???? It's a relationship with my j.w. family, which is NOT really a relationship at all!!! Does that make sense???? I find myself feeling empty and going nowhere with dealing with them and I feel it's just not healthy. I almost lost myself many many times in trying to hang on to a relationship with my mother, which was always controlled by where my status was in the org. Do I plan to do it with my siblins? Do you do it with your j.w. family, or have you said enough already, and cut the ties, because you feel you are going nowhere?

  I know, I know, it's crazy. Fixtion isn't this crazy!

  Tink =;o)
• 

  noidea

  Adopts Tinker as her sister because I value the love and care that you have to give because it's genuine!!! Love you {{{Tinker}}}!!!

  ~~~Noi~~~
  ***********

  Member of the: I have ~No-Idea~ class.
• 

  avengers

  "I would become the Feared Apostate!!!!"

  ALLRIGHT!!!!!!You are now on the side that's winning. You can be sure of that.

  We may lose a battle, but the war will be won.
  It's just too bad it costs so many lives. But then which war doesn't?

  Or would you rather be assimilated. NOT ME!
• 

  Xander

  if they knew how I really felt about the org. they wouldn't even acknowledge me

  Ummmm...it sounds like you are just passively dealing with their attitude?

  Why not bring up all the stuff in the news? 'Hey, look what was on the front page of CNN two days ago!', 'Gee, I was doing some research on the UN at the library, and you won't believe the connection I found with the WTBTS', 'If Jesus said to keep doing this is remembrance of me until his return, and he returned in 1914, why are we still celebrating the memorial?', etc.

  You don't have to come out and claim you're an apostate or something, just force their hand. Keep feeding them information at a rate they might not be comfortable with. Maybe some will see the light and leave, and maybe others will stop talking to you altogether.

  Either way, though, you'll at least have some closure, and you might do some good of it.

  Xander F
  (Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America - Ohio order)

  A fanatic is one who, upon losing sight of his goals, redoubles his efforts.
  --George Santayana
• 

  flower

  I know exactly how you are feeling. I've got 5 bros and 3 siss and we were born and raised in the org. A few of my brothers are no longer witnesses but the rest are along with my parents. After years and years of a half ass-ed, non-caring, emotionally draining relationship with my family, I recently decided that it was holding me back way too much from growing and moving forward to continue living like that so *I* was df'g *them*.

  As long as my family members are cult followers, my son and I will have no contact with them beyond that which is necessary for family business. This approach may not be right for everyone but my family was mentally, emotionally and spiritually abusive and there is no way I would ever be able to become the person I want to be and heal from the abusive cult years.

  My healing is crucial to my sons happiness and future and so that takes precedence over anything else.

  good luck with doing whats best for YOU.

  flower
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  I don't mean to sound like I'm whinning, it's not like I'm really upset, crying and all that. I've just come to a point in my life where I can love them, but if the *quality* of the relationship isn't there and we can't totally accept each other, it's a constant state of fustration. Why do it? It's screwed up! I'm too old and tired to do it anymore, ya know what I mean! I want a full life with people that upbuild not make me feel guilty for living.
  What's the old saying.....
  One true friend is far worth more than 1000 relatives.

  Love ya too Noidea! Say hey to sis! Tink =;o)
• 

  beckyboop

  {{{{{{Tinkerbell}}}}}

  I had to write to you about this because I feel the same way. My parents, 2 brothers, and a sister are still in the borg. Whenever I'm around, it's very stressful on me. I feel totally drained! I went thru a long bout of trying to decide how much association I wanted to have with them--even contemplating if any. I too had mental, emotional, and some physical abuse, and I had to determine if I could deal with that emotionally again. I finally came to these conclusions:

  1. When I choose to associate, I limit my time, and try to be there (for now) when other outside non-jw family members are around also. That way I am not overwhelmed by the jw's, and can enjoy the other members of my family. I am still enjoying their company but without the stress of staying overnight or over long periods when the "mood" of the gathering could change.

  2. I mentally prepare for being there, by reading things to affirm my current state of being. (ie. Steve Hassan's "Releasing the Bonds", "Entering the Tao" by Hua-Ching Ni, Oprah Winfrey's magazine "O"--it always contains very positive and forward-thinking articles) Most importantly, whatever YOU NEED to feel positive and to gain much needed self-esteem.

  3. I unfortunately in the past have gotten into religious debates that go nowhere--so I now try (as hard as possible) to AVOID those discussions, and try to focus the conversation on things the individual members like that has nothing to do with the religion. I am now remembering the things that I had in common with each family member--things that have nothing to do with the religion (like a fondness for old cars or a love of different types of food). This is helping me to build a new, healthy relationship with each one that isn't based on negative destructive behavior. (and although we will never FORGET the harm done in the past, it is possible to get beyond and past those memories and forge a new beginning)

  4. I am ME!!! Whether I'm angry or sad or hurt etc. I don't hide myself anymore (which is how I get myself into trouble with some of the discussions). I don't necessarily tell them the minute details of my life that they would not agree on, but they see the real me. And believe me, they don't like it most of the time!

  5. I admit mistakes I made and apologize for past wrongs. This has been crucial in my healing process with my family. For example: by the time I hit my teens I had completely withdrawn into myself, and excluded the rest of my family emotionally, mentally and verbally. I have since apologized--even though the behavior was directly related to being raised a witness. By my ability to admit past transgressions, I set the stage for an honest relationship in the future.

  6. When I'm around the outside non-jw family members, I let them know little things going on. The judgemental, conditional love that my jw family shows to ANYBODY that doesn't subscribe to their way of thinking--even judgement and shunning of me. My "other" family members now are fully aware of how my family has treated me and my ex-husband for leaving the borg and choosing to live a happy, healthier lifestyle--even if that meant divorcing and my living with my boyfriend w/o marriage.

  The way I personally feel is that although I would love to have a much healthier and happier relationship with my family, if I want to be around them and STAY healthy and happy it has to be on my own terms. So by trial and error I figure out how much I can handle, and adapt from there. It will continually change, and I'm preparing for that now.

  I want to keep the contact open with them so that maybe someday I will play some kind of part in their decision to leave the borg! I am currently the only one in my family that has left and is in opposition to it--so I recognize my unique position, and want to keep things "friendly". But this is how I deal with MY family. I'm not you, and can only hope that maybe something that works for me will maybe work for you, or something that someone else says.

  But above all else, it has to be your decision. If you feel like it's too much for you to be around them, then so be it! Only you can decide what's right for you and any children you may have, and I believe many feel that for now they have to focus on their immediate family and not associate much with the jw relatives. I hope that whatever you decide, you'll have people to support you and back up your decision even if they don't necessarily agree. You can email me at any time!

  Remember--we only go forward by trying. Try different things, test yourself to see how you feel, and determine your next move after that. If something doesn't work, recognize it, admit it, change it, and try again. And please don't hesitate to ask for other's experiences--so many here have gone thru similar things and something they have tried may work for you!

  I wish you well in whatever you decide! Best wishes,

  Becky
• 

  myself

  (((((Tinkerbell))))))

  I can relate to your feelings, but things have gotten better, now 4 out of 5 of my siblings are xjw's with no intentions of going back.
  There is always hope, and with Noi, i extend the invitation to be our adopted sister, you are truly a gem and we appreciate you. I know first hand the frustration of the situation, but I became tired of the onesided showing of family affection. I am now contented with my life for the first time in years. Be true yourself and things will sort themselves out. Thank you for the support that you have shown us.
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  So many replies! So much support!!
  Who needs a therapist when you've got this board!!!
  Thank-you all for your input. So many things that I read was like it was snatched right out of my head!!!!

  It's something to know that, so many people are going through the exact same thing! I will read all the post again and then think on it some more.

  I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I'm tired of giving and getting nothing back. I realize that you don't do for someone with the intent of a payback, but when it's always one person that is taking the initiative. It's getting old folks. It's been old.

  I also don't want this to sound like I'm this lonely, depressed person, I'm happily married with many loving people, family and friends in my life, I just want to distance myself from toxic people. The whole j.w. thing. The j.w's are on a whole different plain from me! I just get tired of dealing with it.

  I love this place. It's my soft place to fall.

  Thank's everyone for your support!
  Becky, I'd be glad to email you! My new friend! =:oD
  Noi and Myself, we'll do lunch soon, you never can have enough sisters!!! Love ya!

  Tink =:o)
• 

  Carmel

  Tinker,

  I know it is difficult to let go of the family ties. I too had six siblings who chose to shun me, in fact not too long ago I discovered one on Classmates. He refused to acknowledge me, and this is over 40 years after I was Df'd. If I were you, which I'm not, I'd celebrate your reality by hosting a family reunion. Invite them all and give a witness to them (those that show) about how happy you are not being under the heavy yoke of worshiping an organization, that your yoke has indead become lite as the bible confirms and that they need not fear you as you are no threat to their desire to continue their religious practices of pushing literature that is not the bible.

  Well, good luck. I doubt what I've suggested will work, but if you catch the drift, I'm advocating finding new spiritual family to replace the blood family that isn't acting like a family should.

  best regards,

  carmel