by Tinkerbell4125 19 Replies latest watchtower scandals
Carmel, I appreciate your advice!
Knowing me, I'll probably quietly fade away and just associate with my non j.w. family and see my j.w. family from time to time during family funeral's!!!!!
Thanks Carmel, I really enjoy reading all your post!!!
Becky, do you and Carmel live near Tennessee???
Tink =:o)
Having come from an alcoholic, physically and sexually abusive family, it is not hard to recognize the signs of co-dependency. Easier to recognize but hard to change. It is hard to find and fix your personal boundaries. But it can be done. There are so many good sources but here are some quotes that had meaning for me and still do.
"Codependency is a dysfunctional emotional and behavioral defense system. When a society is emotionally dishonest, the people of that society are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional."Codependency is:
at it's core, a dysfunctional relationship with self. We do not know how to Love our self in healthy ways because our parents did not know how to Love themselves. We were raised in shame-based societies that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong: with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. - then we were validated and got the message that we had worth.
In a codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel good about themselves. And, conversely, there is always someone we can compare ourselves to that can cause us to not feel good enough.Codependency could:
more accurately be called outer or external dependence. The condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources/agencies or external manifestations. We were taught to look outside of our selves to people, places, and things - to money, property and prestige, to determine if we have worth. That causes us to put false gods before us. We make money or achievement or popularity or material possessions or the "right" marriage the Higher Power that determines if we have worth.
We take our self-definition and self-worth from external manifestations of our own being so that looks or talent or intelligence becomes the Higher Power that we look to in determining if we have worth.
Sorry,
I'm about as far west one can be w/o moving to Hawaii! Far northwest tip of Oregon..
carmel
Blondie, I too, came from a dysfuntional family. Dad was a raging alcoholic and mom was a very co-dependant j.w. Need I say more!!!!
Thanks for your post. I can see where I relate in many ways. I guess it's something that I really need to work on. In the past I have let people use me and run over me. It's about time I started taking better care of myself and stop trying to fix and take care of the rest of the world!!!!
Carmel...you're moving to Hawaii, I'm so jealous!!!!!! Why the move there?????
Becky, I'm still going to mail ya that email, I promise!!!!
Tink =:o)
Tinkerbell,
What you posted brought back some memories for me. When I decided to leave the organization, I called the members of my immediate family and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I no longer wanted to be a part of it and would not appreciate attempts to bring me back into the fold. As you can imagine, my siblings did not have a positive response to this declaration. My parents were not happy about it either.
I really severed ties back then and I am sure I could have done things in a more diplomatic way. However, eight years later, my brothers have both seriously changed their views and my father has changed a lot of his views as well. None of them are really attending the meetings now and my brothers have been looking at ex-JW sites and finding that they enjoy going there. My mom is still pretty much still entrenched in the borg but I believe that she is beginning to secretly question her beliefs.
I guess what I am saying is...sometimes it is a good thing to make your new stand really clear to JW family members. I never thought, at the time I did it, that my family would ever accept me again. Over time, they have come to accept me the way I am NOW and love me for WHO I am...not dependent on my religious views, standing, etc. Even my mother has learned that we can agree to disagree on some things and just concentrate on the other aspects of life. I limit my time with those family members still in the org.
Anyway, good luck on whatever you decide to do. ;)
Banshee
Tink,
what would you do without your cyber-siblins!? We loves ya!
Hope things work out somehow.
TR
UADNA-WA
Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America- Washington Division
Tink,
Hey, hang in there. There is hope for us moron siblings who are such a-holes to begin with. The time in their lives just isn't right at the moment. I remember when my sister told me her feelings, I had my ex (the psycho-bitch from hell...we call her Satan) bending my ear about the need to protect our children from this bad influence, etc. I came to the realization that I didn't like having NO contact with my sister. For a while, I knew neither if she was alive or dead. It was a stark realization. I missed out on 2 years of a relationship that I can never get back. I am ever thankful that my sis was so forgiving of me for the way that I treated her. I have expressed to her the guilt that I feel for cutting her off when her need was at its greatest. I can never get those years back, but I can treasure our relationship that is not fettered by any group of men in NY and their edicts. As a matter of fact, I will tell you that my sis is a member of this site and has even participated in this thread. So, see? there is much hope.
PS...I live near Nashville, actually.
Coon
6. When I'm around the outside non-jw family members, I let them know little things going on. The judgemental, conditional love that my jw family shows to ANYBODY that doesn't subscribe to their way of thinking--even judgement and shunning of me. My "other" family members now are fully aware of how my family has treated me and my ex-husband for leaving the borg and choosing to live a happy, healthier lifestyle--even if that meant divorcing and my living with my boyfriend w/o marriage
this is very important in my view to let the nonjw family know why we treated them the way we did and how the jw truly treat folks
my wife and i called over as many of our nonjw family member to APOLOHIZEA FOR SHAFTING THEM ALL THOSE YEARS
WE JUST BROKE DOWN IN TEARS
after i finished telling them they all smiled and said DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT CAUSE WE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU AND today my nonjw family aunts uncles, grandparents, cousins are now tighter than i have ever been
they told me we felt so sorry for you james esp when you skipped college to go off to new to work in the book place-
i was amazed at how quickly and easily they accepted me back into the family
like i said they told me all those years we just felt sorry for you- and i told them i was feeling sorry for you cause all of you would have to die at armeggedom cause you all refused to listen my our message - it was so funny talking to them-
they feeling sorry for me while i was feeling sorry for them- smile
After many years trying to have a pseudo relationship with my mother-the-still-active-jw I gave up. The strain of trying to be something we weren't was just horrid. I hated being part of the living dead. The not-so-thinly veiled comments about returning that she wasn't supposed to talk about with me were enough to drive me up the wall. All the time watching her play both sides of the WT fence (going to the legion and xmas parties etc.)
I came from a highly dysfunctional family and it certainly didn't stop being dysfunctional after my mother joined the JWs and took us 5 kids in with her. My siblings all left without ever getting baptized. I was the fool and did what would make my mother happy and got dunked. And for that I pay. I often think that becoming a JW gave her permission to treat us the way she did.
At any rate I have found that in the last few years having almost no contact with her is easier than the bit we had. There is a price to pay but it really is small in comparison to the price I paid before.
I cam e to realize that whatever choices we make in life it becomes a matter of whether we can live with the consequences of those choices. For me -- this is easier than trying to fill a glass with a pitcher that is empty or sealed shut. It is certainly less painful although I will admit not painless.
Onnly you can decide what level of pain you can deal with. The nice thing is that you can experiment with different levels of association. The ball is really in your court. They drew the outline with the shunning policy but you can decide whaere you stand on the court
Coon, I have a feeling I know you! Do I? If you are who I think you are......then I hope that you and your sisters are doing okay. I've thought about you quiet a bit lately. I hope you are all doing good.
Make good memories for yourself and them!
