I have been trying to engage and talk to my mother and her "natural" personality as much as possible. She has obvious concerns about the JW's, and we do discuss issues almost every time she visits. We didn't see her for long stretches (months at at time, and suddenly a year had gone by...) We have now both committed to a minimum of a monthly visit, and we will work toward more. She currently still works part time, lives over an hour away, and I have to drive my husband to and from work each day. These circumstances limit when we can get together.
Email has become one of our main forms of communication. I intend to make more phone calls and get more time actually speaking to her. Email and text have made our relationship much more impersonal and strained.
Here is my recent observation. She used to have this sarcastic wit, that she would use to cope with life and daily situations. This was a big part of her personality, and I definitely got this trait from her. Now she makes strange attempts to be funny, but is joking about more deep and hurtful (in my opinion) topics. She's running out of material, because she is limiting her exposure to the real world so much.
Here is an example, and it probably won't really have the impact on a stranger who doesn't know her... but my mom has always had a quick and smart-aleck type of wit, with comebacks and sort of rude ways of joking around with people.
She visited us 4 weeks ago, and had scheduled another visit on April 11. I texted her early last week, and asked her if she was still coming. She replied by text that "she had to postpone, and would email me later tonight." I never heard from her. I figured she was probably out peddling memorial invitations. At least we knew we didn't have to wait around for her. We had a good weekend, and then I emailed her and told her stories of bike riding with my kids, and asked how she was doing. (no reply)
Several days passed, and I sent her a text to confirm if she was coming this week April 18 or not. (no reply)
Now I'm starting to get irritated and slightly paranoid (following memorial). I sent her another text, asking her: "Hi Mom, Haven't heard from you. Is everything ok? Is something wrong, or are you just avoiding me?" (given the situation of my sister's irrational rejection of me, I figured that would hit her hard enough to get a reply).
When she did not reply all day, I asked my other sister if she had visited my mom. They usually see her on Wednesdays. I was trying to confirm she was still alive. (I know, not funny...) She hadn't visited Mom, but had received a reply to an email that she had sent about the same time I did. Now I'm getting ticked... WTH! She IS avoiding me!! But I am like a dog... I give her the benefit of the doubt, and continue to be patient.
Finally, about 24 hours after I had sent her the text, my mom sends me an email. She is trying to be funny here, but it is very evident to me that she is losing her reasoning and humor capacities. (Does she think she is funny)?
V….No, I am not avoiding you. If I were avoiding you, I would tell you, because otherwise, what would be the point? And it would be hard to avoid you if I was telling you, so…………………………… Just kidding. I have had the hang-on cough for weeks now, and it is just wearing me out. Plus, I have been working some extra hours, so have not had much time. By evening, when I get home, I am so tired I just go to bed early. Sorry I have not been in touch. Also, I am working this Friday for Barb so she can go to Wisconsin for the long weekend. But, the good news is that I am for sure retiring the end of May. Barb and I have discussed it, and when Delaine goes on maternity leave, we will be expected to work full time while she is off, which would be all summer, and we are not going to do that. I really will call you one of these days when I can talk for awhile. Right now, I am just trying to get rid of this cough and hang on to what sanity I have left……. Love ya, and would never avoid you…….I love you and always will ; Mom
I know I analyze things too much, but when my mother only throws me scraps, it is hard not to chew on them over and over and try to get everything I can from them. We used to be very close, as I am her oldest daughter and we talked a lot about her concerns and mine. It is starting to feel like we don't know each other. I think she is scared. She knows things have changed, but her attempts to reclaim her old humor fail miserably. She thinks a joke about avoiding me is funny, because she knows it is a possiblity in my mind. I know she is being instructed to shun me, so why would I find this funny? My dad is avoiding me, but he is not telling me... he is just doing it, and my mom will not even answer my questions about his behavior. Also, about her plans for retirement: I find it interesting that she is conspiring with her job-share partner, to just quit on their boss without notice. I know she has been unhappy with their taking her for granted, but she has worked there for over 10 years. I find that bizarre and a poor example to set, especially as JW. She is going to cast the organization in a poor light (with her employer and coworkers) when she does this. I think I will ask her the question: "If you walk out your job, are you still going to bring magazines to the people who work there?" (maybe the proper protocol, is to send someone else to call on them... not sure how that works??) Her motives for retiring are also in question. I would love to see her more (as she seems to be promising), but she has already expressed her desire to "pioneer." "I know it sounds crazy, but it really is FUN going out in service!!" BLAH. I'm not buying it, but since she has lost all sense of reality, maybe she thinks she will get some social connections out of this. Sadly, my kids have learned they can't really count on Grandma's promises or plans. They don't get any unconditional love from anyone outside our immediate family. Today is my son's 6th birthday. It's actually probably a good thing she isn't coming over, since his 7 year old sister got him a fake SWAT team set. He is having a blast, running through the house and firing his automatic rifle. hahaha... My mom has a very overzealous negative reaction to all guns, even those cheap little plastic squirt guns.