I am DF'd now... Decisions, decisions...

Comatose

So I was DF'd a couple weeks ago. I live in a place where I didn't really have new friends at the KH, so my day to day life isn't changing. I'm just me living life like I was 2 weeks ago and 2 years ago. Of course the major change is my JW family. Parents will Facetime with my daughter, or reply to a picture if I send them one of us doing something with my daughter, but of course they won't talk to me. They reply like they are talking to my daughter. It is not a shock. Not a surprise. I knew it would happen. But, its still sad. Who wouldn't be sad.

It's funny that they visited and stayed with us and talked to me fine even when they knew I was not a JW and when I was fighting the DFing, but now that its official suddenly I am dead. The day before I was announced I was in their state and town and had dinner and spent the night. The next morning they woke up ealry and cooked a big breakfast. Then the next day I was dead. Weird cult.

I'm actually okay. Besides the normal and expected frustrations or sadness I am okay. I wish I could talk to my dad about the new contribution arrangement though. Curous what he thinks. But, I'm sure he is on board fully and blessed by Jehovah about it.

I don't want to deprive my daughter of a normal and loving relationship with her grandparents, but they won't come here with us to see her. They say they have to see her without us. So, still figuring that one out. I have to come up with a way to preserve my daughters realtionship and not let them indoctrinate her (which they would). So, we will be talking about that before long I am sure. They will want to come stay in our town in a hotel and see her. Wish there was a good way to solve this easily. But, its going to be a pain in the ass.

Better yet my brother is dating a JW and I'm sure will get married based on the quick way things are procedding. So being excluded from the wedding will suck. Thanks JWs.

How have you all handled the Grandparents problem?

The Searcher

Make a good life for yourself and family - you're free!!!

Comatose

Thanks buddy. I will. It is very nice to be free. I don't care now about people seeing me in the cigar shop etc. Life is good. I know a year and a half ago I wouldn't be saying this, but now that I am out and not mind controlled, it really does suck that a decision you made as a young teen that you really didn't have a choice in can be held over you for the rest of your life.

ABibleStudent

Hi Comatose, I'm sorry that your parents' cult personas are behaving so unloving and that your parents' authentic personas are not strong enough to critically think for themselves.

You have more power than you may feel that you have right now. Either your parents accept you for who you are, for what you believe, and include you in all activities with your daughter, or they can follow the WTBTS's unloving shunning practises towatds you and your daughter. Under no circumstances allow your daughter to be left alone with JWs unless they can critically think for themselves, are not "unduly influenced" by the WTBTS, and follow your rules about not indoctrinating your daugther with the WTBTS's BITE control techniques. Child abuse can be mental and emotional as well as physical.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

DATA-DOG

That's horrible. What did the Eldumbs DF you for??

Also, even though it's hard, I would tell my parents that they can face-time, but if they can't come to my home then they have made their choice. I would make sure they knew that the Shepherd book says that they cannot be df'd for having necessary association with family.

It will be hard for them to not physically see your child, but too bad. As time drags on and the WTBTS's promises fail to come true, your parents may regret THEIR decision to shun. It may sound mean, but they chose to follow the GB. Also, how can your kid have a "normal" relationship with parents who abandon their child for a cult? It might be a civil relationship, but it is not normal, and they WILL indoctrinate her.

They WILL paint you as a bad guy. There is no getting around it.

DD

scotsman

Can I ask why you think the relationship between your daughter and her grandparents is so important?

Comatose

Well, first thanks everyone for the replies.

I just know a relationship between grandparents and grand kids is a good part of growing up and normal. I'd like my daughter to have that if possible. I do realize the problem I face with the indoctrination. Also, I am bothered about my daughter seeing as she gets older that its okay for them to not talk to us and shun us. I don't want my daughter thinking we are so bad that my own parents won't talk to me. I don't want that coloring her perception.

I agree that having them come here to see her is the best. I am going to push for that. But, I know them... I think its going to be a problem.

I'm just trying to find a solution that can preserve her relationship with them and work for us. I do not intend to let her go off with them alone. But, I hope to find a work around situation. I spoke with a childhood friend to let him know I was being DFd. He was really cool about it all. But, he urged me not to deprive my child of her grandparents. He didn't get to know his grand fathers growing up because of the religion. He made me think I need to find a way to make this happen. I don't ever want my daughter to harbor resentment for losing them. Of course as you mentioned it is their decision.

scotsman

I'd agree that a good relationship with grandparents can be good for kids but a highly conditional relationship with grandparents who shun a parent doesn't sound... healthy. If you are going to police their relationship that is going to have a toll on you and you're well being as a parent is far more important than a relationship with grandparents.

half my grandparents died before I was born, it did me no damage: it's great for grandparents to see their grandchildren but I'm not convinced it's as important the other way (apologies for offending grandparents!).

Good luck navigating this, it's not easy, but look out for yourself.

Jeannette

I have read so many of these heart-breaking stories of these tyrannical bastards breaking up families, and I always thought "if I was in a situation like that, I would act perfectly normal. I would take my child over to see the grandparents, say 'hi Dad, hi Mom, what's going on?', then I would tell them I was over only for 20 minutes or so, and if they needed anything done, let me know so I can do it now. Ask them how they are feeling. Act like you are alive, and, there is not a parent on this green earth that does not have a longing for their child. Beat the damned protocols!!

truthseekeriam

I'm sorry to tell you there will be no healthy way for your child to have a good relationship with your parents if your not involved. I say this, after trying for years to keep close to our JW families.

Sadly when you leave you and your children become their new mission. They will take anytime they have with you and your daughter to speak religion. Your daughter will be confused and feel judged as she grows into her own, with her free mind. I've seen it happen with my kids.

I wish you and your family the best!!

Enjoy your new normal

I am DF'd now... Decisions, decisions...

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