I agree with Jeanette. The reason why they shun in the first place is because they think that you're going to affect them and their spirituality in some way. This just makes them paranoid and so they dont even think about the fact that they're shunning their own child. So really by acting normal as if nothing happened, they'll let their guard down and see that you're no different to when you weren't df'd.
I am DF'd now... Decisions, decisions...
by Comatose 34 Replies latest jw experiences
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Comatose
Thanks. I'm thinking the solution may exist but depend on them not being cultish wackos... :)
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LisaRose
I agree with truthseekeriam, a normal relationship is going to be nearly impossible. I don't know how you could ever be sure they wouldn't try to put the JW nonsense into her head, I would not trust them with unsupervised visits. I would carefully weigh the benefits to your daughter against the possible harm that could come to her. Grandparents are great for a kid to have, but not necessary for happiness. I would stick to facetime, that way you can monitor the discussion. I don't know how old your daughter is, but maybe when she is over ten or so you can explain the situation and think about unsupervised visits.
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Mum
How old is your daughter? If she's a toddler, I think you should behave as if everything is normal. I would take them to her grandparents' house and behave normally, but I would not leave her to them because, as I heard Dr. Laura once said to a caller with a JW mother-in-law, to them ultimate salvation can only come by being indoctrinated.
If she is older, does she believe the JW doctrine herself? Does she want a relationship with her grandparents? If she has not been duped by the JDubs, I would instruct her to let her grandparents ramble, to tell you what they said, and then instruct the grandparents to back off if they want to see their granddaughter. Your daughter's feelings need to be considered. If she doesn't want to be preached at, I wouldn't force her.
Most of all, educate your daughter about brainwashing, cult-think versus real thinking. Help her to have an open mind and to accept people where they are and not try to change them, but, at the same time, not allow them to change her. Encourage her to reach her career and educational goals and offer her what help you can. If you can't help her when she is having a problem with school or psychological issues, please get outside help.
All the best for a happy future! Welcome to freedom!
Mum
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Oubliette
Comatose, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You seem to be doing pretty well, in spite of it.
I agree, your daughter should have a relationship with her grandparents and they with her. But you absolutely must not let them determine the parameters of that relationship. That is just further enablng their abusive, manipuling ways.
Can you try and treat like you would if religion was not an issue? That would mean sometimes you all visit as a family and maybe sometimes they visit without you. This is what normal people do.
You are within your rights to prohibit them from trying to indoctrinate your daughter about their beliefs. If they protest, put the onus firmly on them for trying to control you.
If they refuse to visit with their granddaughter with you present, then I suggest you make it clear that they are the ones that are being stubborn and unloving and are causing irreparable harm to your daughter because of their unreasonableness.
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label licker
This is so sad. Comostose, do you know what is worse than your parents not talking to you? Your daughter watching your grandparents not talking to you. Your daughter only knows you the most as her rock shelter of refuge and anyone hurting you will also hurt her. She does not need these headgames in her life. It can not become normal for her to see people hurt those they are suppose to love. She might one day think you will do that to her just by watching that this kind of behavior is allowed. Or one day have to fight her feelings and be torn as to who she is to be loyal to. Grandparents behavior or mom and dad's. This religion's manipulation of even the innocent and naive has got to stop!!!!!!!!!!! No one has the right to divide or play mind games on any family.
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AnnOMaly
They say they have to see her without us.
Ridiculous. That'll mess up your daughter's head. If they want to be in your granddaughter's life, then they should act normally (at least civilly) with you and not play games.
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Comatose
Agree... Feel badly though. They are so deluded. They will say its me causing the pain and believe it. My mom just after saying I was the same as dead, said to remember I made this decision not them.
I can't let them be alone with her. I know this... She is 7. I can't let that precious impressionable mind be messed with. Although she would probably surprise them. My daughter says she likes being without a religion. And no one religion can be right. She says maybe they are all right, or maybe they are all wrong. Just be a good person.
Proud of her.
JW is the cult that keeps on giving.
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Comatose
Label licker... wow. You are right. I have to stick to my guns though its tough. They are welcome in my home. It's their choice. I can't let my daughter see that and think its okay.
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bigmac
take total control of the situation. tell your parents they are most welcome to come to your house to visit their grandchild--and you. but--under no circumstances will religious propaganda be allowed. tell them its entirely their decision. then play the waiting game.