Last month, my best friend of four years and boyfriend of six months came home from a Jehovah's Witness convention. He'd been acting strangely the entire weekend and I knew something was wrong. I initiated a discussion and he said, "Essentially our relationship is wrong and I'm not supposed to be with you." I asked, "So do we need to break up?" He said nothing. I heard the unspoken, packed my bags and though there were tears amongst both of us, he let me go. This man was not the man that has asked me, six months ago, to pack my things and move to another state to be with him. This wasn't my best friend that I'd bonded heavily with over the years, who was my match in so many ways. This wasn't the man I sat down with and made a pros and cons list with concerning whether or not we should date and put our cherished friendship on the line. This man was spouting some doctrine to me about being unevenly yoked and letting me walk away. Hearkening back to our discussion of the pros and cons of our union, we specifically brought up our different beliefs. He's a JW and I'm non-denominational, after all. I didn't see a problem with us because I'm just not a bible-thumping, hot believer. I'm lukewarm. He said, "Our fundamental and core values are the same so I know our small differences won't matter. You're the only woman I could see myself having children and raising a family with." Because, he himself isn't an active believer, I accepted his words. Fast forward to him uprooting me from my life with empty promises now telling me that he wasn't supposed to be with me at all. He cited God and feeling whole as stirring up his newfound conflict but I knew that those weren't the real reasons. The real reason is that in his real life, he's a man that doesn't attend regular meetings, had a live-in, non-JW girlfriend, whom he regular had sex with, but to his very serious and active JW parents, he was a true Witness. I suppose the consequences of their discovering his duplicity were too much for him to shoulder any longer so he unceremoniously dumped me, his best friend and lover. Since our breakup, I've committed emotional suicide by listening to him tell me how much he still loves me, but also how confused he is, by having sex with him which was wrong because surely sex before marriage is frowned upon by his parents, and by basically allowing him to keep me hanging on while he keeps his family believing that he's "upright." He even confessed to me that his life is a front and we had a talk about him needing to decide the man he wants to be and be honest about it but still nothing. He says he's figuring it out but what is there to figure out? Either stop lying and be honest or fall in line. He'd become too accustomed to trying to have both. I'm basically writing this because I am confused. He never was an active witness. If he were, I'd never allowed a relationship. I care for him and wouldn't want to compromise him. He only marginally upheld his beliefs and customs. He went so far as to wear a beard, plan a birthday celebration weekend for me, support my decision to enlist, have sex with me, etc. I never asked for any of these things. I accepted his beliefs and customs and respected them. I thought we were on the same page but the one thing I overlooked was his lack of desire to tell his parents about us. They'd met me before when we were just friends but he would not inform them of our relationship. He said there would be a big deal about it. It annoyed me because he's grown and definitely not a model JW but I figured, in time, he'd be honest with them. He just wasn't ready. I had no idea that he altogether wasn't supposed to be with me and that telling them would blow this cover he'd built with them for years. Sadly, I see the relationship for what it is. I just would like some advice and encouragement on how to deal. My dad is a minister and when I left home, I introduced my ex to him and told him I was leaving to be with him. My Dad, knowing that no matter what, I'm going to be myself, said, "You've got to live your life and you want to move and start a life with him." I expected my ex to one day do the same. Instead, he threw it all away. I'm having a hard time with it because I truly love him and we made finite plans like when we'd get married, how many children we'd have and we even named them. He was my best friend in every sense and was always there for me. I still love him so much. I've decided to end all contact with him as it hurts too much to now realize that he's ok with having sex and carrying on with me without committing to me. I'm hurt because he's not the man I've known. He's a stranger now.
Perfect Relationship, He Still Broke Up With Me
by tiff21390 35 Replies latest social relationships
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Listener
Welcome 21390 and sorry to hear your story.
You can't have had a perfect relationship if he was living a lie.
It's possible that the person you know now is the person he always was. I doubt whether your partner has changed at all, it's just that you didn't see it.
Now that he wants to do the 'moral' thing has he already spoken to the elders and confessed? This should also help you to see what sort of person he is. If he believes it is the religion for him and wants to do the right thing then he will have confessed. This may mean he will be disfellowshipped and shunned by his family and friends for up to a year, it will be a horrendous time for him.
I think you are doing the best thing at the moment and that is to cut off all contact with him. This will give him time to decide how much you mean to him and how difficult it is to be without both a friend and a lover.
There is nothing at all that stops him from marrying you other than himself and his wishes. Although the JWs discourage this and talk about being 'unevenly yoked' if he were to marry you then there is nothing they would do about it. This makes me think that there are more issues here than he wishes to discuss and my first instinct is to say just give him up. However, time will tell.
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b00mslang
JW Alzheimers: "you forget everything except the guilt".
Have you considered the distinct possibility that he is just a weasel? You'll find out if he fails to confess to BOE/JC and then tries to worm his way over for a quick conjugal visit. He's going to get really confused, once the post-convention/theocratic blue-balls hits him.
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NAVYTOWN
Like I always tell non-JWs thinking of dating or getting into a romantic relationship with a Witness: RUN the other direction as fast as you can!!!! Unless the person fully sees the TTATT, it's best not to get or stay involved with them. They will always eventually feel guilty and drop you like a hot potato. There are millions of Non-JWs in the world with whom you are no doubt fully compatible. Start looking now for such a person. NEVER trust a Witness!!! They are very emotionally immature, as your boyfriend so aptly demonstrated.
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tiff21390
Thank you all so much for responding. No, he hasn't confessed and he isn't going to because it's not about the religion as much as it is the appearance. I see that now. Thanks for the support with my decision to cut contact. It's so hard.
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NAVYTOWN
Whatever fine qualities he had that attracted you can surely be found in someone else. Instead of dwelling on him and his decision to 'dump' you in order to maintain a fictional image to please his parents, get busy meeting new people. Take college courses, join special interest groups, see a qualified psychologist or counselor, volunteer for some worthy organization or charity, etc. There are countless ways to meet quality people. Just STAY AWAY from anyone who is involved with a cult-like group. Best wishes for a happy new chapter of your life!
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Witness My Fury
It's a cult. Read up about cults and cult mind control.
https://freedomofmind.com/Info/BITE/bitemodel.php
You saw the cult personality come to the surface, this is the danger in relationships with cult members or ex cult members who have not fully deprogrammed and still believe in it or are susceptible to be reactivated.
Finish the relationship and move on would be the kindest advice to give you.
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Dis-Member
Perfect relationship? Sorry but he sounds more like a coward and a liar and a hypocrite that just used you.
May I ask how old you are please? -
TableForOne
Thanks for sharing your story tiff, sad as it is.
It's interesting that he went a bit weird after the convention. Maybe 3 days of guilt-inducing talks messed with his mind? Maybe he thinks 'the end is near' and he needs to put things right with Jehovah? (Oh dear)
He sounds emotionally immature. I say that because he simply cannot be himself.
He is/was one person with you, and a completely different person to others (family, other JW's).
He hasn't decided yet who HE wants to be, who HE really is.
He sounds very unhappy now that your relationship has ended. I think he is in turmoil too.
He has the power to decide to walk away from the JW's, but he doesn't seem to realise that yet. Other people are influencing him. I think he (unnecessarily) feels powerless.
He clearly does not want or enjoy the JW lifestyle but is feeling pressure to conform, due to family ties.
From what you have written, you sound as if you could both be very happy together... except that freakin' cult is messing him up, deep inside his mind.
Bottom line: If he remains oblivious to the fact that he's in a mind control cult, you have no happy future with him.
Please let us know how things work out.
Take care.
TF1
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berrygerry
I feel very sorry for your situation.
There are a number of very kind, experienced females on this forum.
I would stick around for their posts.