Disfellowshipped for 3 years. One JW still persistent I will return some day...

TimothyTr

Hi everyone. For some reason I am not able to log in to my account so I have created this one instead.

As many of you may know I am a disfellowshipped gay. Here was my story for those who dont:

http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/watchtower/beliefs/215019/1/Living-as-a-gay-Jehovahs-Witness-My-Story#.U_MRcvldUvk

Im sure many know too that one sister has stayed with me for the past 3 years since being disfellowshipped. She has insisted to herself that one day I will return to the organisation. Since it has almost been 3 years now since I left, the other day when I saw her, she seemed to be in a bit of a mess and as she often does, she decided it was time to push me a little. She got very emotional and told me that time was running out and that I needed to come back soon because she could not live in a paradise without me. The words 'the truth', 'reinstatement', 'the organisation' were thrown out, however the whole time I thought, 'but this is not what I want!' In order to do all of this I would have to leave my partner of 3 years who has made my life absolutly perfect, and return to a religion which made me miserable. Since studying counselling I have become very strong and very little phases me, including the tears and pleas of an old friend who 'believes' she is doing what is best for me. I have become very tired of the emotional blackmail.

Over the past 3 years she often has these outbursts, and I am sure they will continue in the years to come. She did say that she wont abandon me, however I feel that over time she will realise that I am not changing and realise she is wasting her time.

What should I do?

Tim

LisaRose

There is very little you can do. It took you 13 years to accept that you are gay and will never change and that it's futile to try to pretend otherwise, she has only known about it for two years, so maybe in time she will get it. It's very difficult to overcome the cult mind cconditioning.

You should come up with something to say in these situations, then keep repeating it, eventually she might get tired of hearing it. What she is doing is emotional blackmail, so try not to let it get to you.

You could say "Look, I am sorry you are having a bad time with this, but the fact is I am gay, and I will never change. I cannot believe in a God who punish me for being who I am, so there is nothing for me to go back to, I cannot live a lie. I respect your beliefs, I only ask that you respect mine."

Stormcrow

I think you might have to be cruel to be kind. What is the nature of her strong feelings for you, which are clearly superceding JW edicts to ignore you?

Fernando

Hi Timothy, and welcome back.

She is definitely the one that needs to change.

It is not your job or anyone's to change another person, but maybe rather to invite them to develop a more full and rich perspective on life, with the view to growth.

Maybe she needs to research the answers to some questions so that she can form views that are her own for the first time in her life?

Why do JWs call themselves "publishers of the Good News"?

How long have you been a "publisher of the Good News"?

Do you love "the truth of the Good News"?

How many times does the NWT refer to "Good News"? (152)

How many of these are by Paul? (85)

How do you explain being unfamiliar with the "Good News" according to Paul?

BTW, she can't be allowed to indefinitely detract from your happiness, health and peace, or to indefinitely remain ignorant.

Amie Les JW

Hi,

I usually post over on JWR, but I lurk here sometimes, and your question was a good one I just had to weigh in, hope you don't mind.

Your question was- what should you do?

So, if you are thinking that you can remain friends and she will learn ttatt then you have to approach what she is saying at moments of less intensity- I'm sure you've read Hassan and how he talks about engaging the authentic self. At moments when she is crying like that she is totally in the cult mind. But, obvioulsy, she is attached to you and that is a real connection- so i'd persue that. Especially when she says she can't live in paradise without you- that is a bold statement. Yes, it's blackmail, and it's controlling, but man-o-man it's a bold statement against Jehovah's provisions.

So yes, she's messed up. The real question is can you stick around near her messyness?

xx Amie

Frazzled UBM

Maybe you could gently suggest to her that she needs to accept you for who you are and realise that you can never be happy in an organisation that dictates that you could not have a full happy and fulfilling love life. you might also gnetly suggest to her that you don't believe a loving god would require abstinence by homosexuals as he/she created you in this way and it would be cruel of them to deny you the happiness of a physical and emotional relationship with someone you love. So this has caused you to doubt whether the god portrayed by the organisation is the true god which has in turn caused you to question the prediction of Armageddon.

ruderedhead

Try using some of the knowledge from your studies in counselling. Happy to hear it has made you a stronger person!

When she starts the emotional trip, drop some nuggets of truth. If she becomes too emotional, tell her you simply cannot have a conversation with someone who is so emotional and unwilling to listen to an opposing point of view, but that you would be happy to have a conversation when she is calm and rational. You DO NOT have to have a conversation with anyone who you believe is trying to commit emotional blackmail on you, whether that is their intent or not.

bsand20

Oh boy:/ It's been 16 years for me and my mother cut all communication with me just this past January stating she had to until I return. I've been telling her for years I'm never returning and it's like she's not wanting to listen to what I have to say, almost like she thinks I don't know what I really want for myself and one day I'll "listen".

If your sister is still talking to you, I would take advantage of that and have a real converstation, one where you guys can talk honestly, as if you were a newly interested prospective member....why does she feel the only way you will be saved is by being a JW? What certainty is described in the bible about only JWs surviving God's end of days? What about the man on the cross that was next to Jesus who had no time to go door to door, or get baptized and yet Jesus promised he would be with him in paradise? I'm not saying the jws account of "paradise" is accurate, but you get what I'm trying to say here.

Stick to your convictions. They are having assemblies now where they emphasize how you should treat dfd ones and it's constantly being shoved down their throats about how people will die if they don't return or if they decide they want to leave right now out of the org.

Iown Mylife

i agree with Amie about Hassan books. Also bsand20, about the conventions this year, containing ramped-up insistence that d-f be more strictly shunned. Several posts all over this forum have described x-jw being surprised by intensity of loved ones confronting, after attending a convention.

Marina

skeeter1

I'm a little confused. Is this a biological sister or a religous sister? If it's a religious sister, then she is a little nuts and has the hots for you. Alot of women absolutely adore gay men, and "if only they were straight" they say! If it's a biological sister, then she's a mess in her mind, loves you immensly, and really beleives the WTS bullhocky. The WTS is whoopping up the fear factor right now.

Either way, you said that she "was in a bit of a mess . . " and then, immediately, began spewing her religion on you. I've seen that too. When the followers are in the worst mental shape, that's when they go all out preaching to you. It's as if they are unsure/unsettled themselves, and find some assurance and safety by changing the subject to their religion. Yes, it's emotional. It's becuase they were in an emotional state when they were "in a bit of a mess", but couldn't vocalize it. Now, given the religion's arguments and training, they can vocalize their emotions. And, by talking about religion, they get to a better mental state. I think her saying that you're going to not be in Jehovah's favor becuase you are disfellowshipped, gay, whatever . . . she is reassuring herself that she is in Jehovah's favor. And, she's doubly in Jehovah's favor becuase she's trying to convert you back. Now, she doesn't have to go back to face why she "was in a bit of a mess". The reliigon is her coping mechanism to something alot deeper. Plus, she put ALL of her internal guilt that was making her uncomfortable onto YOU. So, she probably was on a high when she left. Because, normal people don't act that way.

Next time it happens, assure her that she's a wonderful person and Jehovah God, if there is one, would definately put her in the best spot. He would be a fool to not see that. Say it once, and she likely won't go religious postal on you again. If she comes back with 'you're not doing x", then you can counter with: 1) she's judging and 2) God judges from within. If she comes back again on you about religion, tell her to see a shrink. She's using you as a guilt trip snot rag for her own validiation.

Skeeter

p.s. I've also routinely see JW relatives complain, complain, complain about the Kingdom Hall, WTS, treatment by other followers, etc. They will complain directly to me. And, whether i nod or change the subject or disagree, they follow their complaints with PREACHING to me about how wonderful the Borganization is! Then afterwards, they are so happy with themselves and the Organization. Their preaching, was really to themselves. Now, they are at peace, content, and ready to study their materials for the next meeting. Meanwhile, I'm like, silently, "This dude's elevator skips a few floors."

p.s.s. Being gay isn't a sin. If it was, then Jesus would have addressed it. Becuase, it was going on then.

Disfellowshipped for 3 years. One JW still persistent I will return some day...

Share this