What my mother should have done.

LovelyEunie

This is somewhat of a rant but every time I think of it it just pisses me off.

I never understood why my mom would never switch to another hall or whatever when she knew how I was treated by the people who were supposedly the 'best' association around. My older sister also, because neither of us really had any JW friends because for whatever reason I guess we were pegged as the baddies because our dad wasn't witness (still isn't) and my mother stayed sick a lot so she wasn't able to do half of whatever was required.

First neither one of us were allowed to have a social life in school because everyone was bad association and my mother had this thing where she felt like we didn't to see the people we did talk to after school or need to talk to them on the phone because we saw them at school all day, which in itself was stupid coming from the woman who saw her best friends at the meetings and yet would come home and get right on the phone with said friends and gossip loudly for half the night. Then the people who we were supposed to want to associate with never wanted anything to do with us because all they did was bluntly act like we were not worthy of their time. My sister and I were unhappy, and yet what did my mother do? Sit there and use that pathetic excuse of 'imperfection' and not lift a finger to make our experience better, because hell, she was comfortable where she was, what did the happiness of her two daughters matter? Not to mention that it was hell in school because I was already pegged for being different because I wasn't allowed holidays, couldn't hang out with the people who actually did seem to care about my life since they were 'worldy' and therefore bad, which just made most of them hate me too.

It was hell in school for me as well as in the kingdom hall, and when I try to tell my mom that to this day, she tries her hardest to give them all a pass. 'Well they were just imperfect', or 'just give them a chance we all learn from our mistakes'. No I gave them chances and I still have the scars to show from it. Thanks to my upbringing I basically have Social Anxiety and bouts of depression and I'm extremely needy for attention because I didn't get a lot of it, not even from my own parents because there were things more important to them. Really, my mom wouldn't even come to my choir concerts when I was in high school because 'she was going to the kingdom hall because putting god first is what she was supposed to do.'

Like I don't know if she thought she was setting a good example for me when I was fourteen because all that did was make me hate being a JW kid even more than I was already starting to. And it made me dislike her. Like who puts a religion before their kids? Who? I'm 22 and I know that whoever I end up having kids with, NOTHING OR NO ONE is coming before my child's happiness I don't care how devout I am in something. If my kids aren't happy with it, then I'm not going to constantly ignore all the signs of unhappiness just to keep shoving a religion they didn't even choose down their throats because 'it's the best way of life'.

I was never happy there, and my mother doesn't seem to get that. Even when I try to hint at that now, she still doesn't get it, or just likes to pretend that I'm just confused and I'll come back to the fold someday. I can't go back. Why the hell would I ever go back to something that only gave me bad memories? Why would I go back to something that made me feel like I was unworthy of God's love because I disagreed with most things being fed to me? Why would I go willingly sit in a place that tells me God will kill me for loving who I love? Why? Why would you think I would be happy sitting there while feeling guilty because I know none it ever sat well with me. Maybe I'm tired of constantly saying things I know my mother wants to hear just to make her happy so I can be honest about my own feelings. Maybe I'm tired of hiding my true self. Maybe I want to be able to say in my mom's face that hey, I'm a resounding agnostic, I will not believe in something anymore just because you and a bunch of other people claiming to be the 'mouthpiece of god' tell me to. And hey, if a big 'D' day does happen then I'd rather die with the knowledge that I was happy with my life than unhappy and only doing things out of obligation.

TL;DR: If my mom wanted to keep me as a JW, she should have done a lot more to accommodate me than to just shove a bible in my face and tell me to deal with 'imperfection'.

Iown Mylife

Hi LovelyEunie, your description of your mom hits me where i live because i did the same things to my little daughter. Her life is getting better and better now, and we do have a good relationship now. But I really don't deserve it because I did not go to her school to support her education, the effing Truth and meetings and fs were always more important.

After i woke up and realized the whole mess is just a huge mind-controlling cult, and I began to try to make amends, we've been able to get more normal and have good times together.

I can totally understand where you're coming from! You are so right about making a plan ahead of time how you will raise your future children!

Love to you!

Marina

p.s. there were a lot more crappy things i did besides just not supporting her education but that is bad enough right there.

Jeannette

You really had it tough, no doubt about it. I just hope that someway, somehow you can bury your past so that it won't affect your future, and do happy things. Festivals, etc.

troubled mind

Thank you Eunie for sharing your story . It brought tears to my eyes ,because I felt the same way growing up ! My Dad too was not a JW so I never fit in at the hall or school .Same exact senario ....

Thank goodness you are young and know your own mind . You can break the chain ,and make sure your future children have a quality life you were kept from ,in the process you will find joy too. Before you have children start the healing process for yourself .Join in something fun that you enjoy and make friends . Are you going to college ? That would be an awesome place to start .

Your Mom did what she thought was right ,no matter how much we know IT WAS NOT ! I blame the cult and its influence on peoples thinking . I know deep down my mom loved me and wanted me to be happy ...she just had this religion twisting her natural affection and holding her real personality hostage . I was in the religion and raised my own children in it ,so I understand . She just didn't have the strength in her to take a stand against it ,she really believed it was Gods will......one of the reasons i am now agnostic . I reached a point of breaking and was able to leave with my immediate family .Thankfully we are all slowly learning how to be happy !

Good luck to you and to your journey ...it is yours to take and you can go down any road you choose .Be happy ,be free and don't let the past drag you down .

zeb

pm from Zeb

losingit

Your story is the reason why I left and will never return- - I don't want my daughters to ever feel like you did growing up or to feel like you do now toward your mom. I made a commitment to be the best Mommy to my girls. And that's what I'm going to do.

zeb

another pm from Zeb. i had an attack of computer gremlins it may not have gone through please let me know.

luna2

LovelyEunie,

I was that parent. Its not that you don't love your kids, its that you are brainwashed into thinking that its all persecution from Satan trying to push you away from Jehovah and its your duty to accept, persevere and forgive those in the congregation that do you wrong. I didn't wake up until my oldest son died in a motorcycle accident and I saw how hollow the Watchtower was....and its not that there weren't some very kind sisters and brothers, its just that the counsel from some of the elders just wasn't comforting. Or maybe the shock made me look at things with clearer eyes.

I hope you can learn to forgive your mother.

kaik

LovelyEunie, I would recommend leaving her and start your onw life and family. The cult is desctructive and is not good for you. Tell her why are you leaving and tell her she will not continue such behavior to you anymore. You are 22 and you can be on your own, get job, school, and do not worry about her's abuse.

sarahsmile

You described my mother! "The truth" was more important!

Most JW mothers hide behind the WT! It is not a way of life, it is a way to COP out of life and society. School activities and sports or whatever!

I always thought it was strange how they preached about a new world order and a happy family life that would never happened.

Yet most of us children were miserable and unhappy. The need to socialize was completely taken away. Phone or socialize with school mates, wow how dare we want normal. I compared my mother with the mother from movie "Carrie."

Did any of the JWs girls ever get together in groups! Not much and when they did someone would do something and it was done away with. Well kids screw up that is life unless your a JW. Mainly it was mothers who blew things up to something more. Basically it was for their own power and lack of attention.

We were suppose to be the perfect children to set examples for the world or others.

I think we could write a book,

How to raise your children to never have a Happy Family Life! Just tell them how everyone is imperfect and the future will be a paradise.

Meanwhile, the majority of those evil wordly people are having a now paradise life and training their children the importance college life.

By the time JWs leave the Borg they are starved for attention. It was like the borg made it impossible for us to leave and find normal lives. Most of us probably went out party hardy.

I guess we were lead to believe the future was going to be a paradise.

How can you have a paradise if Nothing is planned! How can you have a Happy family life if it was Never taught! Always future or after one is dead!

Who wants to plan their lives after they are dead!

Oh that is right we were to be perfect JW examples of how not disobeying God! :-)

I will vent with you! You Go Girl!

What my mother should have done.

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