Apognophos - "I chose not to closely examine my religion for many years, precisely because I suspected it would not hold up."
Interesting.
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I experienced something similar in my 20s, but in my case, I assumed it would hold up.
Well into my 30s, however, it did finally begin to occur to me that at least some aspects of it might not, and like you, the prospect of testing the veracity of those aspects scared me, for similar reasons.
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It wasn't until well into my fade that I realized I didn't actually have to be scared, for two main reasons...
a) ...if the evidence really could refute the tenets of my religion, any negative consequences I could possibly experience for privately and honestly investigating that evidence would be, at worst, unjust (which I wasn't afraid of, because frankly, that would simply confirm my suspicions), or at best, nonexistent...
b) ...if the WTS leadership was so anti-"apostate" that they effectively forbid even considering any evidence that their critics might present, then logically, there must be something to that evidence; in which case, as a grown man capable of making my own decisions, I was perfectly entitled to investigate and consider what that evidence might be.
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And here I am, now.