3rdgen, thanks for this thread. I hope you don't mind if I vent.
I have changed a lot since I left the organization over three years ago. My husband left over thirty years ago and went about living his life, but was not mentally free for all those years. He became a work-a-holic while I raised our children in The Lie. I started challenging him on his indoctrination about a year after I left. He now posts regularly on the ex-JW sub Reddit. I post regularly on the YUKU forum. We often share what we read and post. We don’t often fight over ex-JW issues, but do have heated discussions.
My husband and I went to marriage counseling for several months until I pulled the plug. The counselor agreed that we were getting absolutely nowhere. My husband grew up with the WTB$ vilifying therapists and psychiatrists. He doesn’t value the process. I had to educate our therapist about JW doctrine. He was shocked by this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Wqzc2M8_MBA
I want an equal say in my marriage; I want transparency in communication and I want emotional intimacy. Early on in the process the therapist was able to identify that these things are missing in our marriage. The therapist gently and repeatedly cautioned my husband to be careful, that he was in jeopardy of losing his marriage unless he is willing to change.
The therapist told my husband that I am growing; I am becoming empowered. I am no longer depressed and in the role of the identified patient. We have discussed joint decision making and a more “democratic” marriage with little movement in that arena. I still struggle with knowing that my say is of value and carries equal weight. I second guess myself, my thoughts and feelings and my goals. My husband still believes someone in the family has to make the final decisions, and that is his role. He is strongly opinionated, and I have to fight to be heard. It is exhausting and at times demeaning.
The therapist stated that we have “strong ideological issues”, and that is true. The “theocratic warfare” mindset sickens me. My husband is willing to bend the truth and withhold information if it suits his purpose. I am of the opinion that the members of the GB know it is all a lie. My husband believes that they are lifers who have worked their way up the ladder as true believers. My husband accepts that he was unable to go to college. He likely would have pursued a career in science, but instead became a self-taught computer consultant. I am angry that I turned down a full college scholarship to ”full-time pioneer where the need was great” and that uninformed choice now limits what I can do with my life. College is no longer affordable to be as my husband is very near to retirement. My husband is thankful that he was a full-time pioneer and was exempted from going to Vietnam. Terry’s imprisonment and his treatment there makes me weep. I have no words for that. My husband went to Bethel, but was pretty much an outsider who did his own thing. He didn't last long (2 1/2 years) and didn't see anything there that troubled him. The fact that my in-laws shun my husband and children and yet they forgive a pedophile because “Jehovah forgives him” infuriates me. My husband makes excuses for them. I hold our local elders accountable for the way they handled things after our son’s suicide attempt. My husband’s exit was purely due to doctrinal matters. Mine was both doctrinal and highly personal. There is so much more.
The therapist asked my husband if he was willing to be vulnerable with me, to let me in and talk about his feelings with me. His answer—“No. I am not a woman. Feelings change all the time. I’m not going to talk about every little thing that bothers me. If something big comes up, I’ll let her know before I make any decisions.” All right then. At times we are both angry and confused. Neither one of us is really happy. I have hit the wall. Starting over at 56 years of age is terrifying. Living this slow death for the rest of the time I have on this planet is equally terrifying. That being said, we have stayed together this long, and I don’t want the filthy cult to win. I've read of other ex-JW marriages that have failed. I often wonder why and if they were struggling with similar issues.
Our adult children are both of the opinion that our JW life is in the past. They don’t want to talk about it and think we should move on with our lives. I am happy that they got out as young adults and have been able to build happy and productive lives for themselves, but I don’t think they understand the impact of a lifetime of indoctrination.