Has growing up as a JW affected my ability to forgive ?

by troubled mind 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  troubled mind

  I really don't understand the concept of forgiveness . Lately in my life several people have thrown that term around so easily ,and I am confused . Is it because we were taught to cut people off so easily as JWs that I find it hard to forgive ?

  My Christian friend is always telling me we must forgive others .....and I my answer back to her was WHY ? I understand the concept of not harbouring hatred because it can affect your health . But why do I need to forgive someone if I think they are dispicable ? If you treat me badly ,I usually do not give you another chance . For example she had a relative that cheated and mistreated his wife ,and the family said they had to forgive him ,and give him not a second ,but third chance .To me that seems like your just setting yourself up to let him mistreat her again .I had a hard time understanding why they would do that ..

  Another example is of a man that was estranged for yrs from his son .This man had physically abused his son's Mother in front of him when the son was a child .Finally they divorced ,and after the divorce he went on to physically abuse his next wife .He never was abusive to his children ,but the son resented what the Father had done to his Mother . Years went by ,and the son ,and Father never saw or spoke to one another . Decades past ,and now the elderly sick Father is seeking sympathy from the son . Is it wrong that the son no longer has feelings for his Father ? Isn't it his choice whether or not he goes to him now ? He has been told that the past is the past ,to get over it ,and to do the right thing because this man is family ... But I think family is not just family because you share DNA ,I think family has to remain deserving of respect .....is that because I am brainwashed from JW days ? I ask because that is exactly what I was told from other family members .

  Do you understand what I am saying ?,sorry if it is not clear . What do you think ?
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  KateWild

  Forgiveness is subjective, so sometimes it's not appropriate to forgive if the person keeps on hurting you. In other circumstances if someone has turned their life around they have proven they desrve forgiveness. Some people forgive more easily than others and can actually be vulnerable.

  Kate xx
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  blondie

  I feel there cannot be forgiveness where there is no trust. Has the individual admitted what they have done and how they hurt others, do they make excuses for their behavior or try to blame you or others for what they did. Time has gone by but has thinking or behavior changed? Have you seen changes they have made which will take time.

  I think you can let go of your own feelings by not seeking revenge. If the person hurting others in the same way? Why enable that?

  Blondie, grew up with an pedophile father who was lying and molesting other children years later....
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  happy@last

  JWs have a strange view of forgiveness, whereby a pedo can be forgiven but someone who doesn't believe in the teaching of 1914 cannot be forgiven!

  People do make mistakes and do so often, minor issues can normally be forgiven. If there is a pattern of the same mistake/indescretion then this becomes another problem entirely, you cannot forget and therefore forgive. Or you might make an exception if it is a minor issue but not forget, you can learn from it.

  If someone has lifelong difficulties due to another persons actions, as in the example you gave, then nobody has the right to tell them to forgive the perpetrator. Anyone who does something to deliberately upset or cause harm to another person cannot expect forgiveness. A person needs to work hard to be respected and not assume forgiveness.Of course there are also some very serious actions that people choose to make that simply cannot be forgiven, and I would put pedos into that category as well as others.

  In answer to your question, I hope growing up a JW has not affected your ability to forgive, I hope that morality and reason affects your abilities.
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  Laika

  I think it's important not to seek retribution against people who have hurt you. I am upset at my former JW friends for shunning me for example but I wouldn't take any glee in them facing the same shunning were they to somehow rebel, and I would welcome them back in my life if they wanted me back. My forgiveness however doesn't extend to me going back to the JWs and pretending nothing is wrong.
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  OneEyedJoe

  This is an interesting topic. I'm a born-in as well, and I think I'd agree with your feeling that there's no reason to forgive someone who's just going to keep being a terrible person. But then, I'm also an extreme introvert and I take pride in my self-sufficiency. Combining those two things means that I get very little from relationships (I don't connect well with people, and I almost never ask anyone for anything) and so I find it very easy to move on if people treat me poorly.

  On the other hand, my mother-in-law (also born-in) is basically a doormat. Litterally all of her friends take advantage of her constantly, only to treat her poorly later. They're happy to ask her to host a party (and then assume that she's going to cater it as well) but then a week later they'll exclude her from something else. She continually forgives everyone only to have it happen again. She needs the social interaction, and is willing to put up with a lot to get it.

  So, while it's hard for me to be 100% objective as a born-in myself, I'd say that it's probably more to do with your individual personality type than anything else. If you have a strong inner need for social interaction, or if you're sentimental and place intrinsic value on relationships based on relatively arbitrary qualifications (i.e. you'd forgive your estranged father for something that would cause you to cut ties with a mere aquaintence) then you're more likely to see a high value in forgiving people. If you're already at or above capacity on social interaction, and you have no sentimentality (like me) you place a lower value on relationships and are therefore less likely to forgive. It's all about the comprimises that strike the right balance for you personally, do you often feel lonely or socially deprived? Then you need to lower your standards a bit. If you tend to always feel exhausted from the pressures of having to interact with too many people? Then you can afford to cut off the folks that treat you the worst.

  Edit:

  I should probably add that I mean none of this to say that I (nor should anyone) continue to harbor ill-will toward anyone. I tend to be quick to forgive in that sense, as there's no point in dwelling on anything that you're not going to act on. Since I know I'm not going to seek revenge, why dwell on it? I'm also not talking about cutting people off entirely like the JWs do when they shun someone. But I won't seek out association with someone if there's not a high likelyhood that it'll be a positive experience.
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  Separation of Powers

  Forgiveness is for the forgiver, NOT the forgiven.....when you forgive...you let go off the burden of resentment...It's hard, I know....
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  cofty

  Marking for later. It's a question that I have puzzled over as well.
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  Simon

  Forgiving people is like excercise - everyone knows it's beneficial and makes you healthier but it can be just so ... difficult !

  I have found it easier to be forgiving since leaving the WTS and to be honest, I feel pity more than anger at most of the JWs who negatively impacted my life because ultimately most of them are victims too. Some choose it and delight in it though so I don't feel sorry for them but I'm not going to waste my life being angry.

  We've all seen steryotypical 'apostates' as the WTS portrayed them - walking round with banners many years later and making whatever problems they have in life that the WTS may have contributed to much worse by still focusing their energy on that instead of living life. That's something to avoid.

  I think the WTS experience has probably made me more critical and less likely to suffer fools or people trying to jerk me around.

  How do you know the real you and what the real you should and could have been?
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  Simon

  BTW: Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you have to then welcome them with open arms. In the examples in the OP I think it would be quite reasonable for someone not to be angry and to forgive someone but still not want to have anything to do with them.

  Forgiveness doesn't negate being wary of people based on past experiences and chosing to limit our interactions with them because of it.