I was raised a witness and spent 15 years of my life trying to make my parents proud of me. I was baptised at 11, aux pioneered, was on assemblies etc etc and I succeeded in being the spiritual daughter they wanted. I left at 15 and this meant leaving home too. I guess it all began when several members of the congregation came forward regarding my uncle (the wolf) and made sexual allegations ranging from child abuse to rape. He was of course diso'd to protect god's fold but was reinstated not long after. I couldnt understand the hypocrisy shown by the elders and myself and my older sister(one of the children abused)decided to leave.We werent prepared for the real world in any way, I trusted everyone just as I had always been taught to do and this led to me being abused myself and a year later...raped. When I went to my parents, they didnt believe me and i went through it alone..in fact,the first time my father came to see me after Id told him about it, he brought an elder with him and a clipboard with a series of questions to catch me out. Only recently have we sat down and discussed it..a full 8 years later....and one of the things they admitted was that they did 'sell us out' because of the name they had within the congregation. Dad is very prominent and well known so I sort of understand that the reflections of our actions would have no doubt been used against him but it has left me not knowing where I belong in this world. I know I will never be a JW again but I dont seem to be able to find a place in the world either. I spent so long being what my pareents wanted me to be, then someone who other people in the world wanted me to be.....I dont know who I am anymore. I dont think Ive ever known. I guess I just want someone to tell me its okay to be who I am,whatever that is. That i deserve to be loved and I havent spent my whole life being a disappointment to everyone who knows me. I just want to be happy. People say this to me all the time but I cant believe them. I dont think i deserve to be loved. People criticise me for being open about sex but thats all I know. Having a judicial comittee and feeling forced to tell all leaves you without dignity and the one area of your life that maybe should be private, is the one area I have no problem in discussing. Im not a slag, i dont sleep around, the opposite in fact, maybe I just feel that thats all I can offer people and thats all they ever seem to want from me anyway. God knows what Im trying to say here, it just gets a little lonely sometimes when you feel your the only one in the world as screwed up as me. Thanks for listening....you can WAKE UP now!
One more lost soul-boring story,dnt bother reading
by kat7302 13 Replies latest watchtower medical
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Angharad
(((((Kat)))) Sorry for what you have had to go through.
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dungbeetle
Sometimes a place for us cannot be found. It must be 'made' becasue we are so unique...you know, one size fits nobody!!!
(((( Kat ))))
BEFORE YOU TRY AND REMOVE THE STICK FROM MY ARSE, REMOVE THE TELEPHONE POLE FROM YOUR OWN ARSE.
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LoneWolf
No, Kat, I didn't need to wake up.
It's okay to be who you are. The problem is that throughout most of your life you've been trying to be the person that others think that you should be, and as a result you have never discovered what the real you is underneith. It is not wrong to be different. Did not Jehovah create a vast variety of things? That alone should convince you that he does not want all people to be clones of one another.
What is there around you that is interesting? Learn more about it and become expert enough in it that other people will come to you for advice concerning that subject.
Go back to school and allow your mind to open up like a flower to the sunshine of knowledge. Don't be afraid to examine the unknown.
You deserve to be loved. But don't make the mistake that many do and confuse love with sex. Sex can be a part of love, yes, but then again it can have nothing whatsoever to do with it. Don't look for good looks and prestige. Look for someone who loves and tenderly cares for his mother and sisters. How he treats them is how he will treat you.
He should not look for your faults, but neither should he be blind to them. Rather, he should gently fill in the discrepancies, sometimes without you even knowing. In this manner trust can be built, which is one of the most critical ingredients of true love. Remember, this has to go both ways.
Don't look for a 50/50 arrangement. Rather, make it a 60/60 one. The atmosphere is completely different, and wonderful. Sex under these conditions can be exquisite, totally refreshing, and fulfilling in ways that cannot be described.
Don't spend your whole life being a disappointment to everyone who knows you. Don't waste time with judgemental ones. Find those who care enough to give you the room to inquire and grow.
Herein is an irony though. Sometimes when you finally get fed up, look your criticizers square in the eye and tell them to bug off, they will then cease viewing you with disappointment. They may be very mad at first, but when tempers cool, they will have respect for the courage you've shown. No one likes or respects a coward. Even if this doesn't happen though, you will have gained respect for yourself. That is a huge start in the right direction.
Perhaps biggest of all though --- you are NOT stupid. Give yourself a chance to prove that to yourself. Stupidity has nothing to do with failing at something, but usually has something to do with refusing to try again.
Keep your chin up, kid. (But not your nose. ) And keep in touch.
LoneWolf
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NeverReallyAWitness
Hi Kat,
I'm a woman who was born and raised in a Witness family, got baptised, all of that, so I understand a lot of what you have gone through. You know, after reading your story, it seems to me like it was your family that disappointed you, not the other way around. You were emotionally abused, Kat, by lots of people you had every right to trust. You did absolutely the right thing morally, and got slapped around emotionally by the people who should have stood by you. It's no wonder that your self-esteem is a bit low.
There is a place for all of us in this world, but LoneWolf is right, we have to make it. It isn't easy, but it is satisfying. Give yourself some slack, some time, some compassion, and a good swift kick in the butt when you think you need it and you'll find your way.
The Witnesses are right about one thing: the truth will set you free. And the truth is you have been through severe psychological, emotional, and spiritual trauma, and you need time and help to heal. You're not bad, not lazy, not loose, not immoral, not stupid, not a disappointment. You are hurt. Badly. And you need time to heal.
Give yourself a chance. A rich, full life is out there waiting for you.
best wishes!
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Mimilly
Kat - look at your title hon. 'One more soul-boring story..' ??!! Don't minimize yourself like that - please. Everyone's story is unique, just as each person is. After being so abused, you'll go through periods where it consumes you, where you run from it, where you're so angry you could punch holes in concrete, and where you find some peace within yourself.
They damaged your spirit. You are given the task of finding your way back to 'you'. I use to get so mad because they put me 'here' and I had to deal with the crap all over again in it's various stages if I wanted to find some internal peace. It's a long fight Kat, but it's SO worth it.
And you have to do this for yourself. After so many years of people telling you to ignore your feelings etc, it's hard to acknowledge them isn't it. Own your pain Kat, and own your healing. Don't minimize what you've been through - that's 'them' talking.
Thanks for sharing your story kat. One day at time hon.
((((((((Kat)))))))))
Mimilly -
docpalo
Kat, I read your story and wasn't bored or put to sleep, rather I was angered and saddened to read yet another story of a persons life being ruined by this soulles and Godless organization. I too am a victim of sexual abuse. When I was 10/11 years old I was raped repeatedly at Bethel and my parents house by Bethelites. I was then terrorized into silence. My parents did translation work for the Society in the Finnish language. My father was also a Bethelite for 13 years. I lived a life thinking it was MY SIN. My parents died never knowing. I turned to alcohol for solace. I disassociated myself from the LIE 12 years ago. But I have been sober 8 1/2 years, but I lost a marriage of 21 years, a home a business,and a family. This was a small price to pay for my sanity and sobriety. When I went public about the rapes I was called apostate, demonized and insane. Oh the love the princes among men showed. Kat, you are not alone, there are thousands like you. It may help if you contact two people. First is Bill Bowen at [email protected] and Randy Watters at [email protected] these two people have helped me and countless others see the light and come to love themselves again. Do not despair, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I made it and you can too. Marco Polo
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Sentinel
Oh Kat,
((((HUGS))) to you.
You want what we all want, and that is to love and be loved. Sometimes, in searching for the right kind of healthy love, we are so desperate, that we find ourselves having sex as a way to accomplish that. We do these things because we just don't know any other way.
Sex is beautiful in it's rightful place. But sex is so multifacited. It's so much more than just the "act" of two people connecting physically. When everything is right in a relationship, the sexual pleasures are just an added plus. Even as we grow older, the connection may not always be physical, but the connection is just as strong as ever.
You were so young when you were baptised. Then you had to go through the abuse situation. How terrible! My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like not to be believed. ( I too, suffered some personal tragedy in that same aspect with my own dad. It took years before the real truth surfaced and I could truly understand and come to terms with so many things.)
I used to be very shy and nieve. That caused me to be taken advantage of many times during my life. When I was out "in the world", having newly left JW's, I thought that if someone wanted my body, that they really wanted "me", that they "loved" me. But, no, they just wanted sex. I was not a lose woman, but I just made a couple wrong turns and got with the wrong men. It only took a couple times to wake me up to reality, which was really a harsh slap in the face. Don't be in too much of a hurry. Enjoy your life and make good friends. Good friends are worth their weight in gold. They will be there long after some of our relationships with men.
The Bible, as well as all of history, tells the stories of the relationships of men and women. There say there is nothing new under the sun, and it's so true.
I married the first man I had sex with, thinking it was love, and it didn't last, but I tried to hang on because I didn't want to fail. After I was widowed by suicide, I married my second husband. We've been together and shared some of the happiest times of my life, as well as some of the saddest. No fairytale here, and reality is sometimes tough, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Marriage is commitment and lots of hard work by both parties. I highly recommend it.
Because of my upbringing, even before JW's, it took me a long time to learn to relax and be able to express myself the way a woman is meant too. Don't be too hard on yourself right now. But, please take care of yourself. Your body is "you". So, love yourself, and love your body. Treasure the "gifts" you have, and keep them for the right person. You don't have to be a virgin to do that either.
Sex is just one of those areas, where a mistake can get you a desease, or a pregnancy, or just a messed up life if you aren't wise to life. It's terrible when an adult takes advantage of a younger person, especially if they claim to be a christian. I always tried to teach my son to be happy and do things that made him happy, but to remember that he is responsible for his actions, and he will be accountable for his mistakes. Thats the way life is. No easy way around it.
You are a worthwhile human being and you have your whole life ahead of you. I don't believe that you have disappointed "others" as much as you have disappointed yourself. You are very hard on yourself. Go easy. Be good to yourself. One day at a time.
Love and Light,
Karen/Sentinel
Edited by - Sentinel on 9 July 2002 20:39:38
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sOOner
Hello precious Kat:
I did not go to sleep reading your post either.The statement you made about not bothering to read is what said "sOOner~ you must read this post"
and so I read and I felt your pain...
Seems your story is so much what we see here.Being practically raised as a JW,well since my 12th year...I am 53 young at this moment.
Anyways I myself have felt like a social malfuntional person.I was LOST and wondering if I would ever find that glow,that sparkle of wanting to LIVE.When you are taught at every turn that if you don't do this and you don't do that and IF you do these other things you will surely be doomed~well you know these things.
I had plenty of attention from the opposite sex as I also was very forward and outspoken on anything that had to do with sex.It all interested me,not just as a normal human desire but as in REBELLION because of the way we were taught about it in the BORG.
If you read my profile you will notice that I was disfellowshipped not just once but 3 times.Actually I dissassociated the 3rd time on my own.I didn't need a crew of elders asking me all those personal how,when and where questions just so they could get there feel goodies.
I have enclosed a poem for you,it is lovely and speaks volumes.
This is the poem Rev. Casper read at my 2nd wedding....May 24th 1997
I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you.I love you not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me. I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the frivolous and weak things that you can not help seeing there.You draw out into the light all the beautiful radiant things that noone else has looked quite far enough inside too find.I love you for ignoring the possibilities of the fool in me and laying firm hold of all the good in me. I love you for closing your eyes to the discord in me and adding to the music in me just by listening.
Before my wedding I looked into my mirror and read these words to myself.
I then said "I love you"
Love yourself~
Be gentle with yourself~
See,I listened to you and I saw good ,positive qualities.You are as a rosebud, waiting to bloom.Sometimes,you don't get enough care and you may wilt a bit.But then someone says just the right thing and wala you are blooming.
It's all in the balance.
The yin-yang~
We are all a part of this.
You are not alone.
Espavo,
IAM sOOner
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be
understood.
The best way to understand people is to listen to them."
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ItsJustlittleoldme
Hi Kat,
I guess I just want someone to tell me its okay to be who I am,whatever that is. That i deserve to be loved and I havent spent my whole life being a disappointment to everyone who knows me. I just want to be happy
I'm telling you, it's okat to be who you are, and you deserve to be loved.. You are one of God's children, and he loves all his creatures, goto him (directly) and he'll help you... You will find one thing outside of the organization that you didn't find inside; Unconditional love and acceptance!!!! By your very comment, "I want someone to tell me it's ok to be who I am" you think you need to win someone's acceptance for them to love you!!! Wrong, people will love you for who you are, be yourself, and you'll find yourself... Have faith in yourself, and in God, and your faith will guide you... Allow yourself to make mistakes, allow yourself to be loved, and know that the love you'll receive on the outside is alot more like Jesus' love (unconditional) than anything you've ever had on the inside!!!
God bless, peace be with you, and hugs!!!!!!
