My husband and I have been out of the Org for quite some time, but still find that old ideas and values come up and bite us on the ass.
Lately, I've been plagued by an increase in the frequency and severity of my nightmares (which have always been an issue,) so I've begun to dream journal. In just a few days, this realization cropped up. I can't save people.
I've been blogging again recently. When we first left the WT, I blogged pretty extensively, to help sort out my feelings and bleed off some of the rage I felt. That old blog was anonymous, and at some point I took it down and quit writing much about the process of cult recovery.
Lately, I've felt like I needed a place to process some of these things that follow me. My parents converted when I was still so young that my values were in a formative state. These are the hardest things to discover and change.
Intellectually, I know I can't save people, but it seems my subconcious has yet to get the message.
I've shared about 1/2 the post - the part that I think is common to many of us here - in the quote below. Be kind to yourselves, people.
One of the things I learned as a child was that my words had tremendous power. They could save lives, but only if I used them in exactly the right way. (...) If you are ineffective, that person, upon whose doorstep you are standing, might die.
Might die.
Because of you.
Because this may be their only opportunity. And if you don’t get it exactly right with your “life-saving” magic words, you will be Bloodguilty.
It’s difficult to determine at what age a child begins to understand complex communication like irony, sarcasm and hyperbole. Given the fact that very young children think in linear yes/no terms, it’s not surprising that this idea that “life-saving work” translates into “if you do it wrong, you’re killing them.” It turns out that “bloodguilt” is an easy concept for a child to learn, right alongside “shame” and general guilt.
I’ve begun keeping track of my nightmares. I have them nearly every night, and have had for as long as I can remember. These dreams are vivid and cinematic, often about people I know and care about. Very recently, they have been so visceral that I will come crashing into wakefulness with my heart pounding and my hand on my phone, driven by a need to check on the safety of the person I was dreaming.
This is one of the things my dream journal is showing me. Many of my worst nightmares are about something I have to do to protect, help, or save somebody I care about. And no matter how good or fast or smart or eloquent I am, I can’t save them.
In my nightmares, I’ve watched my friends being ridiculed, shunned, sickened, shot, beaten, drowned, emotionally distraught, tortured, or killed, and been unable to do a thing to prevent it.
I can’t save them. Just like I can’t save all of those people who deserve to Live Forever in Paradise on Earth, because of that one day I was having a bad day and made a bad presentation at the door, or the one day I quit service early and went to swim in the river.
A child can’t understand that if she reads a scripture without the proper inflection she won’t literally be killing the person she’s reading to. But if you teach that lesson of bloodguilt young enough, before a child can make a distinction between abstract ideas and personal responsibility, she will quite literally come to believe, at the core of her being, that she could be the reason people die, if she doesn’t get the message exactly right.