JW caregiver married grandfather with dementia

by Paige2014 18 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Paige2014

  I am so angry and I need to vent. A JW who was hired to be a caregiver for my grandfather in the early stages of dementia went and married him over the objection of family, the GAL and the VA social worker. This happened several years ago. My mother was initially made the guardian of his finances.

  However, a year into it the "wife" moved to be made the financial guardian and it was approved by the court because they were concerned that my mom lives up here and my grandfather lives in Christopher, IL.

  Over the last 2 years the "wife" has effectively gone through my grandfather's money. He gets around $4,000 a month through various things and the "wife" currently gets 1,200 that the court does not require her to account for and she is asking for another 1,500 a month. My mom cannot afford an attorney and she is emotionally and mentally spent.

  So I am now stepping in to try to prevent the women from taking over half of what my grandfather gets per month. My grandfather is a JW, as is my mother. My mother went to the elders in this woman's hall when this first happened and they said it was not their business. She then went to the elders in my grandfather's hall and they said it was not their business.

  I find all of this BS in light of the fact that the elders will hide in bushes to catch you doing bad deeds and then hall your @$$ into the back room for a lecture and possible punishment. But a woman who only knew my grandfather for 3 months and then marries him, has him transfer all his property into her name and now is spending all his money each month, yet the elders say that her actions are not their business.

  Get this though, they did tell my mother it would bring reproach upon the congregation if she sued the woman.

  WHAT!!!! Seriously these people are evil.
• 

  Vidiot

  Anna Nicole Smith would've been proud.
• 

  talesin

  My grandfather married a 50YO "sister" when he was 75, and moved several hours' drive away. She LOVED him ...... *rolls eyes*. She also LOVED the family silver, my grandmother's jewellry, and his $$$$$$$$$. I never saw him, nor was able to get him the phone (she always said he was lying down when I called) until the day he died.

  Such a wonderful Sister who married him (greedy *****)

  tal
• 

  metatron

  I'll take a risk here and comment.....

  Have you investigated your state's laws with regard to Medicaid? What are the liabilities involved?

  Look, ........ if your granddad is in good health otherwise, he may continue to live for many years along with mental decline. This means he may be forced into full nursing home care at some point. Even a cheap facility can cost $11K PER MONTH.

  MEDICAID may look back 5 years or more for assets and his wife might not escape getting hit with extreme expenses. Depends on your state laws.

  Does she take care of him in a kind, competent fashion? Is he happy?

  Could this dispute be futile, financially, because of a nursing home outcome?

  Like it or not, these things need consideration. Life is hard and let me add one thought that comes directly from a legal professional I know personally:

  Quote: "The caregivers always die first". That's her experience and she wasn't joking. The stress and hopelessness is too much.

  You need to consider what practical outcome you can reasonably hope for in this.........

  metatron
• 

  Paige2014

  Metatron -

  Those are all logical points. And yes, we have considered that regardless my grandfather needs care. He is a Vet, so he gets care through the VA. And yes, I know all the problems the VA has but the VA residence in Christopher is a relatively nice place. Not saying that we want him there either. Our issue is the fact that we were paying her as a caregiver, so clearly we understood the need for paying for his care. We were not concerned about his finances because we were able to manage them and get him the care he needed. The family's complaint is that this woman came in and married him so she could get full access to his finances. Yes, she feeds him and bathes him. She also makes sure he makes it That is immoral and unethical. To me this falls under Elder Financial Exploitation.

  Now let's talk about the emotional aspect of it. This woman has preyed upon my grandfather. She claims to be a good Christian woman. She is willing to volunteer her time going door-to-door, using the money that she gets from my mentally disabled grandfather to bring her beliefs to others without charge. But she is not willing to voluntarily do the things that a wife would do for their husband. JWs like to quote from the Bible, what do they say about the capable wife. Was the capable wife looking for additional pay. What do JWs say about the love of money and how does this not apply to this woman. When I called one of the elders in my grandfather's hall, I told him that as soon as my grandfather passes this woman will look for her next husband so she can continue the cycle. She may not be physically abusing my grandfather, but at the end of the day, she is also not a loving wife to him either.

  So you will have to forgive me if I do not feel that we should embrace her and give thanks that she does not abuse him. She is a crook and should be exposed for the fake and fraud she is.
• 

  gda

  start documenting everything. . Call agencies for elder abuse since this happens, so he can at leaste have an advocate that might possibly have links for a lawsuit against the agency that sent her. Press charges to get things rolling, NOW!!!!. Social services will have to step in and make an investagation and in the mean time you might be able to freeze his assets.
• 

  gda

  OH yeah.....leave the congregation out of it since they are mostly cowards and offer no help to hardly any soal
• 

  metatron

  I am not inexperienced in this area....... I used to wake up each morning thinking about how death wouldn't be so bad and spent nights struggling with legal/medical issues. It's over but it was horrifying and I didn't know if it would ever end.

  No one is all good or all bad. Sometimes great good comes from very bad people ( LBJ and Civil rights/Medicare) and sometimes great harm comes from good intentions. C'est le vie.

  This sister may be rather sincere in a way that you would not appreciate at present. You have to be physically intimate with a naked old man with bathing and putting on clothes, at a minimum. She may reason that being married to him is the right thing to do, within her religious frame of reference.

  You don't have to embrace her emotionally. Marriage for the sake of romance is a rather modern concept and many societies function pretty well with unions based on practical considerations, even today.

  I remember writing checks for thousands, week after week, with no end in sight. If I am correct, you are getting a live-in caretaker for about $16 an hour/8hr day - actually much less than that because it is 24/7 - or $2700 per month.

  So, if it cannot be grasped emotionally, at least some satisfaction might be gathered by feeling mercenary about it. It sounds to me as if she is accepting a boatload worth of liability in this, whether she realizes it or not. Yes, Medicaid can leave you with nothing, estate-wise.

  You may be completely correct that this woman will 'go on to the next' if he should pass away. However, if your grandfather is content or happy at present, within his diminished state ( Best Wishes to Mr Next Up!), then that must be weighed however harsh that may seem to family. Getting old sucks and regrets are many. A friendly face and helping hand can feel very good to those otherwise unaware, even if purchased.

  This is not to say that you want to off load him - but you may see this episode differently at a future time - retrospectively.

  There is much to be considered....

  metatron
• 

  AlphaMan

  I can see this happening. This person probably followed the Watchtower's counsel, and now finds herself with no husband or retirement. Now, she sees putting in a few years with an older husband in order to have a roof over her head and some income & posessions in her old age. I can see a family getting upset about this, but I can also see JW's marrying this way.

  It even happens at the other end of the spectrem when a mature JW man marries a young sister 20-30 years younger than him. More than likely it's for the security they may provide. Not saying it's right or wrong.....it just happens.
• 

  Paige2014

  Metatron - I'm sorry you have had a personal experience with this.

  I guess my hang up is that I have paid my own way my entire life. I've had financial stresses and managed to work my way through them without marrying an older man with dementia so I can take over half of his monthly funds to go door-to-door and try to get people to join my religion.

  When you have a group of people setting themselves apart from everyone else as closer to holy/perfect in order to gain a foot into the paradise, then yeah, I'm holding her to a standard that I promise you they all hold everyone else to. JWs are hypocrites and she is the poster child for hypocrisy.