The sound of a voice, the tone of a voice, can set the heart to racing.
You have to deal with your father. I had and still have to deal with my mother.
I wasn't df'd the second time around. I was trying to live a good clean "christian" life. I simply stopped attending regularly, and began living my life. I still had tremendous guilt. Every time I missed a meeting, I knew mom would call the next day to find out why I wasn't there. I would make up stories that I was ill, or that my son was sick. I really hated to lie to her, but I felt trapped.
She must have eventually thought that I was very, very ill, <grin> because I just stopped going altogether. We only lived about three miles apart, but she wrote me a long letter with very specific questions and directions for me to answer them and send it back. Being the good daughter, I tried to answer them honestly. After that, she totally "disowned" me. Mind you, I had not been df'd. I had committed no sin, other than to begin to think for myself. She treated me like the worse of sinners. You would have thought that I had committed murder. This treatment continued for twelve years! (She is a natural martyr at heart.)
By the time I got into my second marriage, my husband really wondered what in the heck was wrong with my parents. My dad finally showed up on two different occasions to visit us. (They had since moved a thousand miles away--to start over, and "forget" all the unhappiness their kids had brought to them>) Mom would never come with him. Then, gradually, he took her side, and during that time, I would always write to them, always let them know what was happening with me--but I would get absolutely nothing in return.
Once I did get a call from dad, but he was only informing me that in case they died, he had already arranged for "everything", and it would not be necessary for me to travel to offer condolence to the remaining spouse, or gather with family in grief. SO GUESS WHAT? I FINALLY SENT THEM MY OWN LETTER. I DISOWNED THEM. I TOLD THEM EXACTLY HOW I FELT, AND THAT IF THEY COULDN'T BE CONCERNED ABOUT ME IN LIFE, THEN THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO BE SHOWING UP AT MY FUNERAL, SHOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN TO ME.
I continued to have no contact with them at all for years. Finally, one Father's Day ( Guess that's why I am remembering this now, along with your message above....) my husband had encouraged me to send a card to my father, which I did. As soon as he got it he called me. Suddenly, BOTH of them were going to travel 1,000 miles to come for a visit! I figured something must have changed in the way the society was "dealing" with us heathens.~~smile~~
Today, my dad is gone. He died in Jan. of 2001, but my mom is still alive and kicking. Still judging us and condeming us. She has some wonderful children, good, honest, hard working, family oriented individuals, but she can't see past the borg. Well, at least she will speak to us and send us a letter now and then. I'm thankful that we have some communication these days.
Your situation is different, I know. But, when we have to deal with our loved ones who take it upon themselves to treat us so unjustly, and so "unloving" (I don't care how much my mother tells me she loves me. It's a conditional love.) It seems that we so often settle for "crumbs from the table".
Take care of yourself. Be honest with your own true heart. If you can't be accepted for who you are, they are the ones who are really losing out.
"The Truth Is Out There"
Karen/Sentinel
