by MegaDude 33 Replies latest jw friends
For married couples who ended up leaving the JWs together, which spouse broke from the JWs first?
What was your reaction to your spouse leaving at first?
What made you decide to finally leave with your spouse?
I am posting these questions because there are some on the board who are married to JWs and could use your experience and insight.
I remember my hubby warning me of *apostate* sites!!! Looking back, it still blows my mind. I was first to go then hubby right behind! I can not imagine if I were out and he was still *in*.
Most of my j.w. siblin's have computer's. I wish, so much, that they would read and learn. You never know!!!
How about you Megadude! What was your situation? =:o)
Tink =;o)
Well, I left first. I got my wife used to the idea by just questioning things without offending. When she would say that something sounded apostate, I would just let things drop, but stand by my point. Most of the time, I was subtle, though, and eventually she left as well. Now, I can't get her to be quiet about how crummy the Witnesses are.
I was out about two years before she, and I just made sure that I commented on the people in the congregation, and how the Witnesses were supposed to be the happiest people on earth, but never seemed to have a good home life, no matter how many Watchtowers they studied together.
She noticed the difference. She also noticed how much easier it was for our relationship to flourish when there wasn't five meetings a week to contend with. With being able to go to the beach on a Sunday morning, saw how my friends 'in the world' were generally so much more honest, or at least, not as sneaky and underhanded as many witness friends were.
I always would play devil's advocate, and eventually, she got the point.
At one point, she said, "Ashi, I want to go back to meetings."
I said, "I will go wherever you go."
She said, "But, you hate going to the meetings."
I said, "Yes, but that won't prevent me from supporting you."
She dropped it. A few months later, she made the decision to never go back, no matter what. One day, her mother lambasted her for not going to the meetings, and all this while her brother was being physically abused by her parents. When she saw how I had no problem with letting a 17 YO invade our lives to escape the control-abuse of her parents, she knew that the witnesses had to be wrong. The witnesses told her to send her brother back, and she in good conscience couldn't. They marked us. Then she knew what the score was.
I think that any loving couple can leave together, but if you are already having problems outside of the usual witness problems, it may be a bad marriage simply because of incompatability, and all of the fights about Witness Spirituality are just a symptom of another problem, and no amount of objectivity will ever get them to leave with you. Count your losses and move on.
Just my two pence.
ashi
Edited by - Simon on 17 June 2002 2:16:56
I was feeling very tired of the whole thing. I too noticed disharmony in the cong.
I noticed A LOT of things wrong with Witness lives. Lack of love etc. My
husband and I used to talk about how annoying some of them were and how
biggoted some of the talks were. He was an MS and we'd pioneered etc, but
after a few years we came to see the hypocrisy. I remember one nite on a long
car drive, telling my husband that I had serious doubts. We talked a lot but
the bottom line was that he felt the same. He saw different problems with the
Org to me. He'd just been sitting on these thoughts, but was willing to share
when I expressed my thoughts. So our doubts doubled after that. I took on
his doubts and he took on mine. We kept going for a couple of years - going thru
the motions but it took the birth of our second child to give up entirely. We knew
we couldn't raise our kids in a religion we no longer believed in.
If I was in a relationship with a dub, I would get them out like ashitaka said. I would
go along with it, but always talk about the negatives. I'd play it by ear, and back off
if the partner wasn't keeping pace. Timing is everything. Just keep up with all the
things that are wrong, but never mention leaving. Make like you are happy to be a
dub, but a,b,c.............xyz.. bother you. Eventually, the partner will start to see all
the problems and hopefully make the connection that their religion isn't the truth,
it's a cult!
Marilyn (been out for over 20 yrs and had a wonderful life)
Good questions, Megadude.
But what will help one couple escape may not have any effect on another.
I liked some of Ashis comments. Especially by just questioning things without offending. It is hard to bring up questions to get someone to think and not be offensive about a subject as touchy as their religion. It sure takes a lot of patience to do so.
Also, he said he had to be subtle. That is hard when many times once someone learns the tr00th, they just want to blurt out all the wrongs they have learned about, no matter what the effect is on the other person.
In my hubbys and I situation, he was the one that looked at the Internet first (after giving the service meeting part about the dangers of the internet). Then he would bring up subtle questions about different wrongs in the congregation. (I later caught on that these were experiences he was getting of the net and not just local injustices.) At first I was worried that he was leaving the truth with the questions he raised. He had drawn away from me with all the reading he was doing, so I didnt want to see what he was finding out. (I was too busy being a good dub ) I dont remember what exactly was the turning point for me, maybe after seeing 3 other elders questioning things along with my hubby got me to thinking that maybe there was something to look at what the wtbts was hiding. I had already reached the point that I was just hanging on to the jws because I didnt think there was anywhere else to go. (I know, I missed applied that scripture back then!)
So the $64,000 question will always be how to reach someone else with what you know?
I now watch 2 other couples whose husbands stepped down for conscientious reasons, struggle with their marriages as the husbands try to educate their wives on the wtbts. What a nice job the borg does in getting the women to think they are thinking for themselves when they are enslaved to an organization.
Ive recently talked with a fellow poster who is trying desperately to get her husband to see the tr00th about the truth. Do you set up a time limit or goals on where a marriage should be with a divided household? I dont know. I think each individual has to assess their own situation and make decisions for themselves. But I dont know how to get another person to get their blinders off when they have super-glued them to their heads!
Im looking forward to what others have to say on their experiences.
j2bf
Lets see.......Tim read some confliciting information regarding 1914 when he was doing some research....we did some more research...tried asking the elders...then one day he came in the bedroom while I was making the bed and said "Hey how would you feel about not going to the meetings anymore?" I said "Sounds good to me".....and the rest is history....
lol probably not much help, huh? We were both pretty much on the verge for awhile so when it came time for the break it was easy to walk away together.
Marilyn,
Very Good!
Everyone, go back an read Marilyn's advise again. The only thing I would add is I feel there is a real message in the Christian scriptures that can liberate a Jdub if presented from a Bible translation that can be understood and shown to be totally separate and different from the WT dogma.
If your mate does not 'feel the same' then be careful to avoid attacking the WT society. This raises flags and closes dialog. We, Joy and I, have several friends who's mates are not coming along. Hope we get more expressions that may help in this regard.
Jst2laws
I was raised in the religion. My wife's parents converted to it when my wife was 12. Before our courtship, I began developing doubts about the religion. I viewed my girlfriend as a true believer. At some point after I asked her to marry me, I told her that I had doubts about the religion. I was very nervous, because that admission could have been the end of our engagement. There was a long pause, and my soon to be wife said, "I have doubts also." We got married in the Kingdom Hall and had a fine wedding reception with lots of people there. Then, we faded away together.
Yes, looking back I think we'd spent a lot of time acknowledging the problems
from the comfort of our KH seats. If someone had tried to talk us out of it
we would have become defensive - but as things were we were able to take our time
to wake up. It took quite a while, at least three years. There was no apostate
literature or internet. We were on our own. All we had to guide us was the obvious
faults of the WTS. Years later we learned just how sick the whole thing was. It should
be easy to show someone how bad it is - but the problem is not having access
to witnesses. Where there is access, there is a good chance of helping someone "out".
all the best to those in this position.
Marilyn
Mine is basic. My wife stayed in for nearly a year after I left. I never once tried to talk her into leaving.
I knew it would be difficult for her to remain a witness without me there because I figured the gossip
would drive her nuts.
They couldn't help themselves. She didn't think of me as wicked and when the pioneer sisters kept
running off at the mouth about me, she finally had to leave.
