This is by far the best post I have seen on this board maybe because I can relate to it the most these days. You are all very encouraging but at the same time I am so envious of all of you. I am stuck in this awful situation that most all of you have already endured. My wife and I were up late last night discussing my anger and doubts and just not knowing which way to go or what to do. All she could do is cry. We just got back from the District Convention in on Sunday. It was all I could do to maintain my composure for three days. Wouldnt you know that our guest speaker from would be none other than J.R. Brown. I had been very critical of the Society in their handling of the Dateline and Child Abuse issues prior to the convention and said some things to my wife and children that no doubt caught them off guard. This was the wrong approach but had been building for months. I quit going to the Book Study awhile back and felt it was time for my kids to know why. I told them how I felt and made them along with my wife watch the Dateline special. I told them about my research and what would happen to me if I presented it to the Elders. It was too much for them at one time. I did more harm than good. My wife has shut me out and now gives 200% of her attention to our children. This does not bother me because her relationship with them has blossomed beyond my wildest dreams, however it leaves me lonely and feeling guilty for the overall situation. I feel like my family is slipping right through my hands and it is frustrating. It seems that no approach is the right approach. What do I do? Do I go to the meetings for the sake of my wife and children for now or do I just quit today. I vowed that the convention would be my last meeting. But after reading these posts I am not so sure. Some who have posted here have met me and I made a comment to them that I wanted to go out with a BANG and I certainly could, but now I wander if it is even worth it. They advised just fading away and maybe under the circumstances with my wife that would be best for now. Maybe patience is the best option. Unfortunately my personality is very similar to yours megadude and as you have shared with us all, yours was not the right approach and I see myself getting into a similar situation. The last thing that I want on earth is to cause a division in my family. I love my wife and children very much and would lay down my life in an instant. I try to keep reminding myself that I have done nothing wrong although I am perceived as a danger. I know that daily it is getting more difficult for me to cope. My wife is a basket case. She has lost 35 or 40 pounds and went and got on depression medication without me knowing it over this whole issue. It is terrible to say, but I am so angry that I wish the Watchtower had gone down instead of the . I dont for the life of me know how to make my wife see the things that I have been seeing for years. She out of a sincere heart is truly blinded, a true victim. My situation is so complicated because of our children. We both have the need to protect them with what we believe in our hearts to be right. I fear that ultimately it will be harder on them than it will be on us. Choking back my tears I make this post and I pray for guidance. Thank you for this encouragement. May all of you be blessed!
Couples that leave the JWs together.
by MegaDude 33 Replies latest jw friends
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Mulan
For Olympiad: Everyone is so different. What we did worked for us, but your situation may not be the same as ours............isn't. Our children were all nearly grown, and we only had one son still at home (16).
I lost 35 pounds in 3 months, but that was good. I was wayyyy overweight. I felt it was letting go of all the guilt.........and the pressure of the past 5 years was finally gone. I still think that was why I gained the weight and why I lost it. All JW related. I loved being a size 10 again. (of course some of it gradually came back............stress seems to follow me, and I know I am a stress eater)
I am sure you will work it out. Continue to be patient and loving, as you seem to be doing.
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Simon
I first started having doubts and seeing that things weren't right but it was a while before I managed to convince Angharad. It was a *very* frustrating time and put a strain onour relationship.
Ironically, it was the shepherding call by the elders that finally convinced her that what I had been telling her was true - they were unable to answer the points I made and were not at all concerned with 'the truth' but just threatened us not to tell anyone else.
I'm glad Angharad left too as I think we are much happier together now than we ever were as JWs and the kids have a better life too. It would have been aweful to be in a divided family.
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beckyboop
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Olympiad)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are in the worst part of the situation right now. And like Mulan said, what works for you may be different than what worked for us. I would like to say this though, if it helps at all: No matter what, life is much better once you're out! It's not easy, because you have to learn how to deal with a whole new set of problems (LIFE w/o the borg!). But in the end, it's better because you're FREE to think and choose what's best for you.
I hope you can learn how to have the PATIENCE to deal with your wife and family, because that's what it boils down to. Pay attention to the things your wife and children say that bother them, because it will show the cracks in their beliefs. Ask for help, anywhere you can, and try different things to break through to them. When something doesn't work, try something new. And definitely learn from those who don't make it out together--you don't know how things are going to turn out, so just DO YOUR BEST.
I was the wife who cried for many months also, but thanks to the patience of my now ex-husband, I am free. I honestly doubt I'd ever gotten out without his help! If you feel strong enough about your relationship with her, keep up the effort. If she is like ANY of the jw wives I know, the things that may get to her more will be on how people are treated. The injustice got to me way before I even allowed myself to think about doctrinal issues; and when I finally did, that was the end for me to see the lies in their own literature.
Good luck, and remember we are all here to help you!
Becky
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Xander
if you are already having problems outside of the usual witness problems, it may be a bad marriage simply because of incompatability
Just a word of warning in this line. The Watchtower gives you pre-packaged faux happiness. You and the SO get similar goals for free, get similar plans for how to live your life, similar priorities, etc.
Make sure, before you leave, that your relationship can stand on its own without that 'third cord' that completely surrounds the other two and squeezes them together.
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Tinkerbell4125
Mulen, Megadude, Olympaid, thank-you for sharing your post! I've enjoyed reading your experiences.
Olympaid, I just want to give you a big hug. My heart goes out to you so much right now! Hang in there buddy!
Tink =:o)
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obiefernandez
My exit with my wife took over two painstaking years of pure mental anguish. We were married young and not really prepared for the type of problems that we would face, especially not the stress of leaving the cult. Here is the condensed version:
I had not ever been a strong witness, and after getting married (Sep 1995) I "was my own boss" as head of household, and I was able to miss meetings and service without anyone riding my ass about it. I also lost my good job a month after getting married. The odd jobs and night work that I had to endure, and also starting my own company awhile later led to many missed meetings. My wife was concerned but not outright critical. I think she and the rest of my family just thought it was a phase I was going through. I became involved in JW websites in 1996, just as AJWR and H2o were just getting started. So that was my introduction to "apostate" information. My wife didn't want to hear any of it.
I took the hard approach, which was to comment on every little thing that I saw wrong with the organization. I also did not hesitate to discuss the same things with all of my family members. At the same time witnesses.net was starting to get popular and I always presented an online persona of a loyal JW. My wife saw this as the utmost in hypocrisy and hated that the site was detracting from my attention to her. I gradually became extremely inactive and would only occasionally attend meetings. And when attending we generally did not pay much attention. The comments and jokes during the meeting made it pretty obvious that I thought it was a farce. Luckily my wife loved me a lot and had a pretty good sense of humor. Most of the time she was annoyed but other times she joined in. We also had a baby which meant most of the time we sat in the library by ourselves and could comment openly to ourselves about the meetings.
The lack of love shown to her in the congregations is what finally started turning the tide. Here she was with a baby and trying to be a good JW and the elders and congo members couldn't do much except tell her how evil I was. She was becoming extremely discouraged. We moved congregations to my original congregation where I had grown up (Hackensack Spanish, NJ). This was a suburban congregation with a totally different outlook about service. A huge contrast to our old congregation in Passaic, NJ arguably one of the worst ghettos in the "Garden State", where sisters were getting assaulted while out on service and the people didn't have much except their faith in the new system. Hackensack was totally different. The PO was college-educated and the CTO of Hackensack Medical Center (a large regional hospital) and made very good money. The congregation members were pretty well-off for the most part. Service consisted of riding around in a car for about an hour or two, not working house-to-house.
My wife hated it. She felt it was pointless. Eventually she started sliding into inactivity as well. I think some of the doubts were starting to sink in. She saw the hypocrisy and stupidity demonstrated by almost every JW she knew, especially our parents. We decided to move away from them, and hopefully regain some happiness. During the last two years we had argued non-stop with disastrous results on our mental health. We were exhausted. We had probably brought each other close to nervous breakdowns on multiple occasions. We planned and executed and move to Atlanta almost 900 miles away within a few weeks.
Once here in Atlanta, we decided not to go to a Kingdom Hall right away. Or I should say -- she agreed to it because I was ready to leave it for good. I contacted Ray Franz to get a copy of CoC. He agreed that I could just come by to pick it up. Not like I lived that far from him anyway. So one fine weekend I make the drive over, with wife and baby in tow. I pull up into Ray's driveway and go to his door to get my books. Little did I know he would invite me in for lunch. I told him that my wife (Arlene) was in the truck waiting. "Well let's go get her then!" he replies.
Arlene was somewhat uncomfortable. The JW indoctrination was still present. Ray came out to the car and talked to her for a little while. I guess after she realized that he is a nice guy, she decides to come inside. We had lunch and a great conversation. That was really the beginning of the end for her JW life. Once she started realizing the doctrinal inconsistencies and the lies for herself, she was becoming angrier and angrier all the time. She read CoC. Eventually she didn't want anything to do with the JWs at all. Her mother blamed me and hated me. Threatened to never speak to both of us again. My parents were pretty much indifferent or didn't really do much about it.
For awhile we were a pretty happy couple. It's like we were learning to live again, together. That was over three years ago. Much has happened since then. Unfortunately, it led to the breakup of our marriage. We were really never compatible for each other even though we loved each other so much. We probably never would have gotten married except that we were young JWs in love. I don't regret my life so far but so many mistakes have been made. I advise anyone who is trying to convince their spouse to leave the cult READ Steve Hassan's books. There are so many ways to influence your loved ones that don't involve coercion.
If anyone is interested I can develop this into a much more detailed story for the Personal Experiences forum.
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JeffT
I had had doubts bubbling along under the surface for a number of years. In 1982 we moved from our first hall (both of us had come in as adults, we were married a year after we were baptized). After a couple of moves we found ourselves in a KH that was not nearly as friendly as the first on. During this time I become more focused on my doubts, and started finding excuses not to go to meeting.
In December of 1987 I told my mother (not a jw) that we had more or less left. In the spring of 1988 there was a circuit assembly that was particularly harsh on higher education. This bothered both of us as our two older children were very bright, doing well in school, and neither of us could see telling them they had to be janitors until the new system got here.
A week or so after that CA we were sitting at our dinning room table on Sunday morning trying to decide if we were going to meeting, neither one of us wanted to. At that moment the dam broke, both of us it turned out had been hiding our doubts from each other. Both of us had been doing our own research, and both of us realized we'd really needed to study what we'd been taught. We went to the district convention that summer, mostly to look at what was said with an open mind.
That fall we joined a support group for ex-witnesses, celbrated holidays, voted, and eventually started going to church. Our letter went to the society on March 18, 1989.
I guess I don't have any solid advice for those in a different situation, except be patient, and express yourself gently. You may find out you aren't alone.
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Amazing
I was the first to search and then break from the JW religion, followed closely by my wife and children - who eventually moved ahead of me in their break from the religion and healed sooner than I did. You can read how I helped them on and Freeminds site at: http://freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm The primary thing anyone can do is to not over-react or react too fast ... take things slowly, plan, develop strategy, and gently begin raising questions to stimulate your family to think for themselves. Be prepared for the worst to happen - being totally rejected and shunned - but also be ready for the best to happen, they join you in leaving and healing together.
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annalice
Ok here's my story- I slipped away from the jw's three or four years ago . My husband still claims that he is now and will always be a jw and that know one will EVER get him to turn away because he knows that it is the TRUTH . However , he hasn't been to a meeting in the last few years himself except for the memorial and the conventions that he goes to with his family.I've given up talking to him , it only get us into fights.So we don't bring up the subject. I just keep hoping that he'll come around. I hope its soon , i want to start having kids and he still says that they will be raised as JW's.Over my dead body is all i have to say to that.I just could not stand all those two faced people anymore . I think it was easier for me to leave because the only other family member i had in the org. was my mother and she wasn't very strong in it herself. My husband however has his entire family in the org. His parents , brothers, sisters, aunts , uncles ,and all of there offspring. I wonder if thats why he seems to still hold on to it.Ididn't loose anyone when i left . If anything I gained back all those relatives I never associated with and i now have a wonderful family support group all aound me.But for him to leave he would loose them all. I feel bad for him but at the same time I wish he would MAKE UP HIS MIND.Thats all . I have to go calm down now. MY frustration has resurfaced.