Wish I could claim this but I can't. Credit to Des Kelly of 'The Mirror' | |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ||
THERE are times when you just have to switch sides. There are times when it is okay to follow the example of turncoats like Kim Philby, Shaun Woodward and the entire Italian army. So I offer up this one plea. It might go completely against the natural order of things, but when Germany play the United States later this week it is your duty to cheer for the Hun. Forget that they are the traditional enemy of the English game, responsible for inflicting countless episodes of misery on the country's football. Forget that they dive, cheat and roll on the grass faking injury like the most despicable of cheats. Forget, even, that they are one of the luckiest teams in history and may again fluke a path all the way to the World Cup final. Because the Germans possess a redeeming quality the Americans patently lack. They love football. In the United States, "soccer" rates down among the deadbeat sports. It is as relevant to their everyday lives as korfball or lacrosse is to you. When nations gather for the World Cup, the globe's biggest sporting spectacle, America brushes the crisps off its fat stomach and sneers. A Time magazine columnist claimed recently: "If the world really wants us to watch their cute little no-handsy sport, they've got to make an effort. The world has done a poor job marketing this World Cup thing to us." Good. We don't want America to like football. We don't want their dumb, fat-assed opinion inflicted on us. Allow the USA to join football's top table and, before you know it, the game will be divided into quarters so they can get to the fridge more often. Far better they stick to their pastimes, like the one where fat men play rounders for hours on end wearing little caps. Or the game where lots of tall freaks run up and down and up and down putting a bouncy ball into a hoop. Only don't bother watching until the last two minutes as nothing interesting happens before then. Or you can enjoy the sport where a lot of steroid-ridden cons squeeze into lycra pants and shoulder pads and stand around for half a day. During the brief few seconds of action, they throw the ball from hand to hand and call it 'FOOTball'. Doh, as America's finest ambassador would say. Even when the USA beat Portugal, an upset that was deservedly recognised across the globe, one genius commentator summed up the mood back home. "Last week we pulled off a huge victory against Portugal. It didn't make us feel that great because there's not much Portugal is better at than us, other than making sweet wine and salted cod. This is a country that has been in decline since 1494. "Now that Russia isn't important, there's no one for us to get juiced about. The Taliban, unfortunately, don't even have a soccer team." Good grief. Most of all, remember the grotesque arrogance of this remark in Time magazine: "We'll watch the World Cup when we win the thing and not a second before." Reason enough to sing Deutschland Uber Alles this week, I'd say. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Hell yes!! Nic' |
Edited by - nicolaou on 19 June 2002 20:4:27